Its about laughing....

Quote from Sophie:  Mom, your cancer must be gone..you are laughing a lot more!

I've had to write some difficult pieces this year, so I'm making this post the last one of 2014. I know 2015 will bring some new challenges and despite the cancer returning, I am feeling so good these days, I'm going to be ready for them.   I've done all my Christmas shopping, which I am super happy about, and I know my kids will be too.

I did see the Dr to talk about next steps. We basically agreed that since I was feeling good, looking good, getting around on my own, that we are just going to leave things for now. The cancer hasn't shown any indication that it has spread. I'm not being held back by it at all....we decided just to let me be.  When my bloodwork spikes, or I take a turn for the worse, we start chemo again. I'm really happy with this decision. I trust my Dr, and I am just so happy I feel so good these days.

‎I've been guilty of hiding my emotions. I'm very careful not to give anything away. I don't want anyone to know if I am scared or sad, and I'm not sure why. I even hide my emotions from myself. I stopped watching movies, listening to music, and depending....reading. I'm afraid of a trigger, or something to set me off. Now that I've recognized what I've been doing, I will try and let my emotions come out. ‎I'm not sure how this came to be, I'm usually quite open, I mean look at look at the stuff I write on my blog. I just know I would turn off the radio for fear of hearing a song that may remind me of something or someone, or refuse a movie so I'm not watching something that will devastate me, the thought terrifies me. Hey wait....I just shared an emotion!

There is a little excitement around here. My hair is growing back. It's deciding where and when it feels like growing. I have one eyebrow, one eye with eyelashes, and.....black hair coming in.   Yes, you read that right, I said Black. For those who haven't seen me in awhile or for 20 yrs, I've always been dirty blonde or a beautiful bottle blonde. This black hair is puzzling, instead of straight hair, I'm wondering if I will get curls??

This year we are all piling to my mom's for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It will be a bit tricky for Santa to find us, but I am sure he will. My sister and her hubby and my beautiful niece will be there, I'm really looking forward to it. I remember in a post I wrote last year, wondering if I would be here for this Christmas, well here I am, and I have many more Christmas's to celebrate with my family, I will look forward to each one.

I want to thank each and everyone one of you who read my blog, your comments, support and love, for that, I am grateful.

I hope all of you have a Christmas holiday full of happiness and laughter..... I know we will

xo

s

.......and so, I fight on

Two posts ago I wrote about being in Remission. 

The last post I wrote, I was still in remission, but getting a check in with the Dr. to make sure things were all going well after  the chemo had done it's work.

Today, I have cancer. I am no longer in remission.

The tests came back, and they did me no favors. The tumors are back where they originally were.

About two weeks ago, I had had a CT Scan and some blood work done, I was going back to hear the results.‎ I was nervous to hear them, the results, of course, being newly minted into remission, I kinda wanted to stay there.

When my Dr told me the news,  I can't say I was shocked, I was a bit surprised. Even tho I had talked myself into the fact that I might hear it, I wasn't ready. I asked as many questions as my brain could muster.

From there, my Dr was going to take my scans to a team of Dr's. They are made up of Radiologists, Surgeons, other Oncologists, to try to figure out the best plan of attack.

I was very happy to hear that there was still going to be a plan.

I have my appointment today to hear what all the Dr's have come up with.   I've never been nervous before any of my appointments (maybe I have?), but this one has my stomach in knots, diet coke isn't working to make it feel better.

I'm scared.

{later on in the day....}

I have been to see the Dr, the appointment was ok. As it stands right now, there is still no plan. The team of Dr's that met, while each had their own specialty, wanted to help, none of their expertise would make a dent in the bigger picture.

My Dr is taking my case to Vancouver to present to the Dr's there. He is hoping that there may be a clinical trial I can be a part of. If not, then possibly a Dr or two there may have an idea or two on how to treat my re-occurrence.‎ Finally, if none of that pans out, I will be starting chemotherapy in Victoria, probably sometime mid-December.

I don't know what to think about all of this. Part of me is so mad that it came back, other parts of me are sad and this time I do feel the sense of fear....how could I not?

My pain is being handled well, I see a pain management team that helps me focus on where my pain is, how often it occurs and when I should be taking my meds for it. It seems as tho the pain is more so then it was before, regardless, my pain levels are high and that sometimes can put any plans to my day, right out the window.

And so.....I fight on....

xo

s

Remission.....

The word has so many strings attached. When I was told I was in remission,  I still felt well within the clutches of cancer. Maybe it's because I've still got chemo running thru my veins, and wreaking havoc with whatever it can within my body. That said, I don't find remission a comforting world just yet.

‎I'm all for giving the "world of remission" a break, but the real issue isn't the word remission. The important part about the word, is staying in remission.    

In general, as in right now...its been difficult, trying to go back to normal. I'm my own worst critic when I am down, and I am having trouble finding the foot work to bring myself up. I have a CT Scan coming up, as well as a Dr's appointment to go over results...no pressure there!   There really shouldn't be pressure, but for some reason I have let this really bother me.   So...I guess I am saying, I was cool when I had Cancer, but not so cool when I didn't? oh boy...I seriously need to give my head a shake.

I have been doing small things to pamper myself and my body. I treated myself to a wonderful spa day, Wow, I really really loved that. My skin is still soft like a baby's and I glow.   It made me very happy.

All the results I am waiting are coming in by the end of this week. So everyone, please keep your fingers crossed!!

xo

s

Today.....

October 7, 2014

It was a year ago today, that I was delivered the news that I had cancer. It's not like you see in the movies, where a kind Dr sits you down, and with a sad face delivers your fate. No, basically it was "you have cancer". The rest was a bit of a blur, but I remember the Dr wanting to get out of there fast, which she did. My mom and I just stood there for awhile,silent. I sent a text to a friend saying "it's cancer", I still have the screen shot. Then we left.

Soon, I was adopted into the arms of the BC Cancer Agency. I remember one of my first posts where I was not pleased to be there, well of course I wasn't! ..but once there, you are in their care, and I don't mean that lightly. Every single step of the way, no matter what you are there for, you are cared for. My experience was this, the Dr's, nurses, volunteers, chemo nurses, radiation techs, receptionist, pain clinic nurse, they all knew my name and were all gentle and kind. I can tell you first hand, it's so important to have such great people on your team, especially given the circumstances. I was very grateful, still am.

Over the year, I've had 10 chemotherapy sessions‎, 35 radiation treatments, 5 boost - radiation treatments, and 6 braccytherapy sessions (internal radiation). I'm really lucky, because so far I have no visible signs or symptoms from the radiation or chemotherapy. I've had so much blood drawn from my arms that my veins have seized, the only place to get blood from me is from my hands. I've had CT scans, PET scans and MRI's, the CT scans were too many to count.  I've lost all my hair and  I've. lost almost 70 pounds.

Today, my cancer is in remission. I'm not scheduled for any treatments of any kind. I have follow-up appointments so my Dr can keep an eye on me.

Today, I can start the recuperation phase for my mind and body. Although I did say I didn't have any side effects or long lasting symptoms, I still have a long road ahead of me. 

Today, I can finally start to pick up some pieces of my life that got dropped, and I couldn't got back for them.

Today, I'm going to live my life for me and my family, and no one else.....especially cancer.

Chemo - Round 5

I'm writing this at the end of week 5. I'm also writing this on my birthday. I've wondered up until today whether I should place more significance on this day, maybe I should have taken on more of the invites to do something, instead of staying in and waiting for the kids to get home. I feel sorry for myself, the "me" from last year, I didn't know yet, I didn't know about the cancer. I would like to think I'm going to have a great year ahead, but I am cautious to expect that I will.

Chemo didn't leave me bedridden for a week or weeks, in fact, I did pretty good this time. I still am quite weak and slow moving, but that's been me for awhile now. I still have some nausea issues and some other quirky side effects, but all in all, coming back from my 5th chemo wasn that bad. Now...I just have one more to go....

I went on an adventure. My mom and I went to Regina for a book launch. More importantly, my father's book has been published and some of his good friends from where he used to work arranged to have a book launch. He was writing a book on the history of child and youth mental health in Saskatchewan, before he passed away. My mom and our family friend finished the book, edited it and got it published. We are all very proud. If you are interested in the book, it's called "Growing Pains" by Dr. Terry Russell, you can buy it on Amazon.

The book launch was a huge success, it was great to see some old friends of my mom and dad's, and it was really nice to see the hard work, that both my parents put into the book be recognized in such a great way. I'm so proud of both of them.

Regina was where I grew up, I have not been back there in 25 or so years. I had contacted a few friends before I went to see if we could do dinner or visit (thank you Facebook)....and there we were, the three of us, time played no part once we were reunited, it was wonderful. My friends, Lisa and Denise and I talking like we had just seen each other yesterday. I think I smiled thru my whole meal. We basically were the last ones in the restaurant that night, and since we still had catching up to do, we had lunch the next day. I loved it.

Before we got to Regina, we had a layover in Calgary. I knew a friend who worked near, so I thought I would check to see if there was a chance for a visit. I was lucky he said yes, Braden and I had about an hour to ourselves, not nearly enough time to catch up on everything, but it was so amazing to see a dear friend.

When we left Victoria, I felt discouraged almost right away. I was unable to walk any type of distance. I thought that would be the easy part, but I was so wrong. I needed a wheelchair for all the airports we were in. My Supermom pushed me everywhere. I didn't expect that...the wheelchair thing, thank goodness they were there.

I have my last chemo in 2 days. I hope my side effects aren't that bad. You will hear it if they are!

‎Special thanks go to my Supermom, my sister Kate, Laura C, Wendy S

xo

s

**Braden, Lisa, Denise...I am still smiling from our visits, no amount of medication could make me feel as good as I did when I was with you....thank you for the wonderful visits xoxo

Wiggling Out...

There I stand. I'm in front of the mirror and I don't recognize the person looking back at me.  Could it really be me? I raise my hand to touch my head, yup, stranger in the mirror does too. Staring back at me, is me...just different, just without hair. I still have wisps in some places, totally bald in other places, and growth in small patches....real cute.

I hide under a black touque at home full time now, it makes me feel safe and comforted, but it was getting to that point a few weeks ago that I had to start shopping around for wigs. Obviously I was not going to be able to rock a bald head during treatment, but kudos to those who do.

My mom and I went with a name she got from a friend. I was not looking forward to the appointment, I didn't want to try on a bunch of wigs to try and mask my hair loss, I just wanted my hair back. When we got to the studio, I was pleasantly surprised, we were given a lesson more on what type of wig we should get rather then try on pink mohawk wigs. From what I learned that day, there is no excuse for bad wigs people....no excuse.

Once we decided from the choices, hand sewn, machine made, laced panels, real hair, fake hair, we then had to decide on color. Since I still had some of my hair left, we were able to match my color perfectly, the selection of natural colors for the wigs were great, there weren't 5 to choose from, there were 25. I was really impressed. We decided on a rather universal style of wig, an inverted bob that looks good on everyone. I could have gone for longer, but why lug all that hair around if it wasn't mine? I was happy with my choice, happy with what I learned, even happier that I would have my new wig in a week.

When I went back, I was nervous of course. I was looking forward to "looking" like I had hair again, but I was nervous that it was going to look fake or just not me.

If you haven't heard the news of the hot blonde with an awesome hair do walking around Victoria....then you must be reading the wrong stuff!

I'm really happy with my new wig. It's something to get used to, that's for sure, but I'm really happy I have the option.  

Happy hair do's people!

xo

s

Chemo - Round 4

As much as I am happy with how low my numbers are, I've been down. I've had a tough time getting back on my feet from the last chemo, I didn't get my usual week where I feel great, and that's when I can get things done.‎ I start chemo number 5 in two days and I still don't feel well.

I've been down, of course when you aren't feeling well its hard to be cheery, but my mood has stayed low. I've missed summer completely, I've watched Sophie walk out the door, on her way to many adventures with others. I'm thankful for that, that she had things to do while I wasn't able to take her out, but I can't shake the guilt. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and that my main focus is for me to get well, I know this. I miss my life, I miss having a life, I miss a lot of things.

‎This is the first time I have felt apprehensive about going to chemo. All the other sessions I have been ok with. Maybe I'm just tired of being poked and prodded, tested and examined, questioned, and questioned some more. There is no break, no reprieve, even just for a little while. It's always there, cancer. I know I am in a fortunate position right now, I know it could be worse, I know this.

I will turn this low around, return to my normal goofy self....I always do, I just don't know when.  

Soon.

Thanks go to Wendy S, Emma G, Greg & Kim B, my Supermom and a very special thank you to Julie, your comment touched my heart, and I thank you for that.

xo

I have the BEST news......

I got a call from my Dr's fill in last Friday evening, regarding the results of my most recent CT Scan. The win is, the tumour on my omentum has shrunk, this is great news!

The not so great news was that he sent me to the ER because the CT Scan also showed that I have blood clots in my lungs. This is a side effect from chemo, it's not great, but treatable. I have to give myself injections in my tummy with blood thinners, until the clots are gone. The good news out of this tho, is that my blood oxygen level is high, and my breathing has not been effected. So, I will poke away at myself until the clots are gone.

Wait...it gets better :)

I had my usual check in on Wednesday before my chemo session that I had yesterday (8 hrs! blech..). I always see a nurse, then my Dr., then the pain clinic if necessary.  

The nurse and I discussed how bad I had it after the last round of chemo, she had some great suggestions, so hopefully I am going to be ok this time and not laid out for a week straight.

Wait, it gets better... :)

Then it was my Dr's turn, I assumed we were going to talk about how much my tumour had shrunk, and then about the blood clots. Instead, we were going to talk about my Tumour Marker. Meaning, thru blood cells, how much active blood cells with cancer are in my body. I was of course apprehensive to hear this news, it can be a daunting number...but, I am so glad I did.

In June, before I started chemo, my Tumour Marker was 50, at the end of July.... it was 3.7

Isn't that amazing news!!!!

Our plan now is to finish off the chemo sessions, after yesterday, I only have 2 more to do. I will have a few scans, then I will be set free for a bit.

Thank you all for your positive vibes, and thank you for reading my blog because all your positive comments keep me positive!

Happy Friday everyone!

Thanks as always to my kids and super mom, love you xox

SEE....told you it was good news!!

xox

s

Chemo - Round 3

I'm not even going to pretend that I was able to give chemo a fight this time. I didn't see the first punch coming, it knocked me down for 8 days straight. I'm guessing the more run down your body gets from chemo, the harder it is to come back from it. I can't wait until this is over.

The day it got me was a Sunday, I woke up and felt nauseous and achy, which is normal after chemo. My body did.not.want.to.move.....and from the way it felt when I did move it, I wanted to stay very still. And so I stayed like that for days, no energy, achy, sore, nauseous, sleepy. It was horrible.

 About day 5, I pushed myself to go downstairs. It was very difficult, I felt light headed, but at the same time I didn't feel that my body was strong enough to hold my head.  The whole adventure of going downstairs was exhausting, all I could do was turn around and go right back upstairs. When I got to the staircase..I cried. Hot tears ran down my face. I felt completely defeated and I had a pity party right then and there about....well, everything I guess.   I finally wiped away my tears, pulled on my big girl panties and made the slow trek upstairs.    Then one morning I woke up, and I knew that chemo had released me from its clutches, that I was strong again. I was right.

Suffering from the effects of chemo aren't always as cut and dry as above. I have mouth sores, which make brushing my teeth very painful, day and night. My hair, or whatever you want to call what's left of it is just a mess....i usually wear a touque around the house and when I go out....a touque in this weather. My nose! Holy 50 shades of snot (sorry)....it runs and runs all the time....and at the wierdest tiimes!   Ugggh Chemo!

I am better now. That is all that matters. I've gotten stronger and I know what to expect.

I had a CT scan this week. This scan will tell us whether the chemo is working, and whether the tumour on the omentum has shrunk. I was originally for scheduled for 6 chemo sessions, so if it does look to be working then we keep on with the schedule, if not....then I don't know.

My previous Dr wouldn't let me wait for results, I would either have an appt right away, or I would get a phone call, usually at night. With this new Dr, I don't have any of those things.....yet, I am hoping I still may hear from him by the end of the week.

This has been a very difficult 3 weeks, I think this update reflects that. I would not have gotten thru without my children, Jesse, Hayley and Sophie and my super Mom, and our wonderful friend Dawn. Thank you thank you thank you.

Also, friends who are asking what they can do to help, food is what is working the best, frozen meals or whatever works for you.

More thank yous go to Emma G, Wendy S, Dawn LB, Tegan C, and my super Mom

xoxo

s

Chemo- Round 2

Chemo - .5

Sarah - 1.5

Hair - 1

This time Chemotherapy took a lot from me. I guess that's what it's supposed to do, take all my good and bad cells, and destroy everything in its wake.

I've written parts of this posts at different times, but haven't had the strength to touch on how I felt, about...how I felt.

It's day 11 since I had the chemo, and I finally feel as if I can eat‎, possibly consider a wardrobe change, from tank tops and ladies boxers....to oh you know...."real clothes", I can't even begin to describe my sleep schedule.

For me, so far..the thing about chemo is that it makes you feel so sensitive. Everything feels like‎ the loudest rock concert right in my face. I ask people to speak softly, don't slam doors, tv's need to be turned down (that goes over well), I can't listen to music thru headphones, I can't concentrate enough to read, and that....truly hurts me. I love to read, I read everything,but sadly, right now...all my favorite books are piling up. An audiobook has been suggested, but that goes back to the sensitivity issues.

I do all the writing for this blog on my blackberry. The very idea of pulling out my Mac and having a bright screen staring at me...it just starts to hurt my teeth. In fact, I do everything on my blackberry, it's easy to manoeuvre in a way that if I feel a sensitivity issue coming, I can keep it at bay.

Even when I have mouth sores, I don't have a lot of issues with food. It's the sensitivity to it, the smell, taste, texture...all things to consider when I finally decide to eat. By the time I get thru this crazy list, I'm usually not hungry anymore.  I'm not keen on much these days.

Not the best subject to follow food but....you don't just lose your hair on your head with chemo, you lose hair elsewhere of course, but my biggest pet peeve...is losing my nose hair! hello! Got a tissue? Cuz I need 10. With no nose hair, there is nothing catching the boogers. I have the constant sniffles...like constant. I can't keep enough kleenex near me. It's the little things...

I started to lose my hair the day after my last post. It was exactly 2 weeks to the day of my first chemo, which is when I was told to expect to see some loss.

I was in the shower, it came out in my hands. I was trying to free my hands of it by hanging the bits along the shower wall. I'm going to remind you here, I had hair down to just past my shoulder blades. I'd never had it this long, but I loved it.

I didn't lose a lot in the shower, but my hair was in knots, so brushing out the knots just brushed out more hair. Even after I thought I got it all, I'd find another knot, kind of like a long rastafarian twist. This went on until it was dry, then for the rest of the week you could hear "oh gross mom"...that was someone finding a trail of the hair that just couldn't hang on. There is a lot of hair.

This weekend my dear friend who cut my hair for years came to my rescue. She's helping me transition from the long, to short, to...bald, to wig. She's cut for me now a cute bob that's just below my ears. I don't think it will last as long as I'd  like it to tho, I seem to be losing even more hair now then I was before.

Why so much talk about my hair? I don't know, I thought it was something I was going to be able to do well, be brave, but I am not. I don't feel pretty or strong. When I look in the mirror I see fear and loneliness, but I still see me beating this cancer....so that's something.  So far tho...with all the treatments, meds, needles, nausea...this has been the hardest part.  Sure, I could have shaved it off, but I would have dismissed my feelings, and I can't do that right now.‎ I feel silly about being sad about losing my hair, I know it could be so much worse. This is my journey, I will adapt and win.

It's all a tough process, and I just wrote 3 paragraphs about my hair....well, at least I can back that up by saying I always did have a great lid :)

I went out to the mall today with my girls. Sophie was iffy on me heading out without a hat on or something to cover my head. So I wore one of those beanies.  

The picture to anyone else would have looked like this: a weary mother obviously fighting cancer, shopping. In reality, the picture was this: two girls shopping with their mom,‎ who obviously was fighting cancer...but what you couldn't see?  The fight behind this mothers eyes, because she's not giving up shopping or anything with her girls for nothing. Ever.

Special thanks this month go to: Pieter and Karen V, Janet B, Dawn LB, Shirley M, Emma G, and my super mom xox

xox

s

Chemo - Round 1

Chemo - 0

Sarah - 1

Hair - 1

It's almost two weeks to the day, since I had my first chemo treatment. I have to say I'm feeling ok....

I should start from the beginning.

I received a lot of support since my last post, so thank you every one...it really means a lot.   

Before I started chemo, I was overwhelmed with very dire information...kind of like "oh shit I'm done" kinda info and even tho I was warned not to to do this...I did, I went there...I payed a visit to Dr. Google. It's really one of the worst things you can do, you can't verify the information is that up to date or correct, and really, everyone's cancer case is significantly different. When you have information that isn't great, it's only human to want to find something...anything, to turn it around to make it better. Dr. Google does not do that, if anything, it just makes things much much worse.

 My mom and I now have a deal, we don't visit Dr. Google, it's not worth the heartache. What I did do tho was meet with my Dr. again. I saw him the day before my 1st chemo. I asked him some pretty hard questions. I am glad I did. I felt a million times better, my attitude is back where it should be, and if I haven't said it enough...those Dr's at the cancer clinic are all freaking fantastic.

Onto Chemo....

My friend Wendy picked me up for Chemo, it started at 9:30. I wasn't nervous because I had done it before, I was more...‎in a really good mood. I was happy to get it started, the days spent waiting weren't fun, let's just get this chemo show on the damn road (she said on the first week ha ha).

The chemo room at the cancer clinic is a very large U shaped room.‎ There are about 20 comfy chairs around the perimeter of the room, all spaced a decent amount apart for privacy and room for a guest. Chemotherapy isn't like what it used to be or like the movies show it, no one is lying in agony puking all over the place. In fact, there are many different walks of life, hooked up to their respective IV poles and their magic potions, people either read, sleep or visit with a guest.

Once they hooked me up, they filled me full of hydration fluids‎, then some Benadryl in case I had a reaction to one of the concoctions, and an anti-nauseant. I was going to receive three different types of chemotherapy drugs, not all three could be given at the same time, so bag number 1 was first, and that was going to take 3 hours. It's a laborious process, I got there at 9:30 but didn't get out of there until after 4 that afternoon. It would have been longer if it was a busier day and the nurses took longer to get to me to change up the bags, or if I had had a reaction, which thankfully I didn't. The time did go by quick as I had Wendy there, she went on the diet coke runs, then a lunch run, and it was nice to catch up and hang out. Thanks Wendy!

I went home with a red folder with all the "what to expects", thankfully, I have had very little side effects to date. They said I would have achy joints, well I have RA, so check!, they said I would be feeling fatigued and/or exhausted...where do I start?...check!. They said I would have mouth sores, yuk..got those, and another wierd side effect is tingly feeling at the bottom of your feet...totally wierd..check!   I'm not complaining....because I still have my hair.  

All in all, besides being very tired and sleeping a great deal, first round of chemo I definitely won.

Another great in the books, is that we had a fantastic weekend with our friends Jacqui and her two daughters Cassie and Dakota, and Jacqui's sister Jodi. They came up from Washington and Oregon for a quick visit and we all had a blast. Good food, lots of laughs, a whole lot of talking...and then sadly hugs goodbye, but next time isn't far away. love you guys xox

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me and the kids, having any kind of support right now is appreciated, more than you know.

xo

s

Believe....in new treatments

I met with my new Oncologist yesterday. He was a nice man. I think you have to be a genuinely nice person when you are in the business of telling people that their lives may be in peril.

He began with telling me that he has been hearing "my story" for quite some time. At the Dr's conferences when they discuss the best options for the patients, this is where he's heard my story. Because the cancer has spread now, in my abdomen, I've got quite the team behind me. I still have the Surgeon, I still have my Radiologist Oncologist, and now I have him. He was very kind to let me know that they were doing their very best for me. That felt...comforting, but did little to ease the discomfort of the conversation I knew was coming.

He explained why the surgery would not benefit me right now.   I could have potentially undergone an extensive operation, weeks of pain with very little gain. The cancer would probably still be lurking. With chemo, the intention is to kill the crazy rogue cells, and tame the cancer that is there now.  

He explained my chemotherapy protocol, I will have it once every 3 weeks. Always one with the latest and greatest, all eyes will be on me as I become the first patient in BC to get the newest and best chemotherapy drugs out there.

He used words like "complicated cancer", and "prolong", and gentle words such as in "while you are in our care". I felt like parts of the conversation I wasn't there, then a loudness would come into my ears and bring me back to him talking. I know I heard everything, but, at times it was sureal.

Once I start chemo, I will have blood tests and scans and this test and that test...not to mention being knocked off my feet with it. The type of chemo isn't supposed to make you nauseous but, everyone is different, so hopefully I don't have too many reactions.

Yes.   I will lose my hair. Yes. I am terrified. Yes. That scares me more then the chemo does. No. I am not afraid to admit that.

I do not have the self esteem to rock a bald head.   I wish I did, but I don't. Sure, there are wigs and scarves, and yes, I will find something that works. I am simply terrified of feeling vulnerable, or that's how I think I will feel. Although, when I see a woman with a scarf or a hat on their head, vulnerable is the last word that comes to my mind. I think of strength, beauty, a warrior. I hope to get there for myself.  

All in all, I am glad we are starting the chemo soon, the waiting is really the hardest part. I start the chemo the week after next. Meanwhile, since my hair is the longest it's ever been...I will be taking secret selfies, I'm sure ;)

Today was my friend Lisa's Celebration of Life. It was a beautiful ceremony, although and of course incredibly sad. Those in attendance represented all of the communities that Lisa was involved in, mostly sports as all three of her children were very talented athletically. Her youngest sons whole baseball team was in attendance. It was a true testament to Lisa, and to her family as well‎.

**Hey Lis...there was standing room only when we said goodbye to you today, I know you would have been bashful about it but you deserved it, you touched a lot of hearts. I hate to tell you this...but someone was at your funeral, and they were wearing white shoes (!)...I know right!!?. Anyways my dear sweet friend, it's not goodbye, it's see you soon, but just not yet. I love you**

‎I have a favourite quote from Maya Angelou;

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel‎"

I would like to thank everyone who has sent me a note, text or email asking how I am or seeing if there is anything you can help with, thank you. Also, thank you to Dawn LB, Laura C, Lisa M, Janet B, Tegan C and Wendy S, I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe that I will do ok with the chemo. 

Bye for now!

xo

s

Believe.....and bad news

Update Below

(written early May 13)

I'm behind in my updates, my apologies to those of you who keep checking for something new, and I have delivered, well, up until now, nothing.

The last week and a half has been difficult.   I met with the surgeon, found I had lost a dear friend, and had a small surgery. I also found out that when it came time to try and write about my week(s), I had a serious case of writers block. 

For some reason, putting into words all that I learned from the surgeon, my feelings about the week, usually an undaunted task, seemed...overwhelmingly difficult.

‎I will start with something easy. The small surgery I had was to remove the Stent that was put near my bladder because the tumour was squishing my "pee tube". Since the tumour is gone (yay!), the Stent does not have to be there. It was a fairly easy day, although coming back from the anesthia is always kind of yucky, you would think I would be a pro by now.

‎My mom and I met with the surgeon at the cancer centre. He was very nice, knows his stuff and was very straight forward with what needed to be done. While my other Dr tried to reassure us that the mass in my omentum could just be necrotic tissue, this Dr spoke to it as if it was specifically cancer. When I tried to get him to speak to it being only the necrotic tissue, he said that, that would be great but we obviously need to err on the side of caution and treat it as if it isn't.   He also took a small biopsy in order to discount or confirm there being any small microscopic cancer cells roaming around. He told us this was not likely the case, but, if it came back positive, the surgery would not be a go. Having the biopsy be positive would mean the small cells are more of a threat spreading around, then what needs to be removed. This was worst case scenario, and he proceeded to tell us why.  As you can imagine, the conversation got quite difficult after that.

We discussed the effects of the old cancer spreading to the omentum, vs it being a new occurrence of cancer in the omentum. Basically any type of cancer spreading is bad news. Worse, cancer of the omentum can be fatal.

Despite everything I have gone thru, this appointment by far, although progressive, was one of the most un-settling for me. So much so, that I went and got a small tattoo on my wrist, it says "believe". I don't want for one minute to not believe I won't be at each of my children's weddings, or for when they have children. I believe I am going to keep living.

And then, I found out Lisa had passed away. Leaving behind two daughters and a son. My kids and I all took this news very hard. Lisa was always very good to us, we all adored her. I wrote about her, as a way to cope. She was particularly supportive of me since my diagnosis, both of us having a disease where neither of us had any control, but our lives were under its control. ‎ I will miss her dearly.

There is some good news, believe it or not! Hayley has moved home, which means that I have all 3 kids here with me. I can't tell you how happy that makes me!

The date of my surgery is May 28th. I'm expected to be in the hospital‎ for about 4 or 5 days after, and recoup time will be about 6-8 weeks.

***UPDATED***
(late evening May 13th)

I got a call from the surgeon this evening. He called to let me know that the biopsy that he had done, came out positive.‎ This was not the news we wanted.

This means that the surgery is off for now, this means that the mass we were hoping was simply necrotic tissue is more then likely cancer. This means that I start aggressive chemotherapy right away. This means that the cancer is/has spread in my pelvis, and there are no guarentees.

Now, more then ever I am very happy that all three of my children are with me at home.  ‎Chemotherapy will be difficult, and it will take its toll on all of us. 

I know people will want to help and support my wonderful little family. Whatever that looks like for you, we will appreciate.  

xo

s

‎

All our stars are silent...

On Thursday, May 1, I lost a very dear friend. Her name was Lisa. She contracted a heart virus at a young age, ending her career as a nurse, and starting a career nursing a bad heart. The bitter irony is that Lisa had one of the best hearts I've ever known.

We met at the baseball park‎, her husband coached my son. Over the years, our kids played ball together, or her husband coached, either way, we were always happy to be on the same team. Cheering on each others children, sharing our lives while spending our lives at the ballpark, was always a pleasure and a boatload of laughs when I was with Lisa.

As our kids grew out of little league, and onto other parks, schools and friends, we didn't see each other as often.  When we did see each other, it was as if time hadn't slipped away at all, Lisa always had the same greeting for me "how are you, how are your beautiful children?", along with a warm hug.

Lisa was a source of strength for many, obviously including myself. When I lost my father to cancer, she was supportive, even when I tried to shut the door on everything and everyone, Lisa found a way in. She wanted to make sure I knew, I was loved, I was cared for, and when the hell were we going to go out for a Gingerbread Latte?

‎A few years ago, when my marriage broke down, and I was also sick with RA. Lisa sent me an email with topless, oiled up firefighters that had some cheesy saying on it. It was laugh out loud funny because it was just so Lisa. When I got diagnosed with cancer, Lisa started sending me funny quotes, inspirational quotes, more firemen and pretty much anything you can think of, daily. She wanted me to keep my head in the game, and not give up.   She encouraged me to keep writing in my blog, and she would always find a catchphrase that she liked and use it when she wrote to me.

 Always a fashion "do" and never a "dont" was Lisa. When I shared with everyone that my cancer team was "going for the gold"...she shows up at my house with a gold handbag, and wallet...because yes, we are going for the gold and we were going to proudly show it, with fashion, of course.

With Lisa, you always knew her family came first. She was involved in all of her three children's sports, their schooling and whatever their interests you could tell Lisa supported them 100%. She's passed along her kindhearted ways to all three, and that's always been clear, from young ones to now, her children, are a true reflection of her, kind, intelligent, respectful, all with big hearts.

Never was that more clear to me, than when I had that painful conversation with her oldest daughter just a few days ago. Kristina called to tell me the awful news, she bravely told me what happened, while we both cried. Towards the end of the conversation, when I asked if there was anything I could do, ever her Mother, Kristina did not think of herself, she thought of me. She told me how much her mom loved me and cared for me, and the thing that I should do is to beat this cancer, that's what Lisa would want me to do.

I will miss Lisa dearly, memories of the ballpark, her laugh and her wonderful friendship will always have a place in my heart.

Changes, things stay the same & new beginnings...

I've finally changed back to my Maiden name. Although, on some platforms I've been going by Sarah Russell for awhile, this time it's official. It says so right on my drivers license, right beside my fake weight, exaggerated height and blurry mugshot. I cannot wait to re-new my passport...

The more I shed from my previous life, the better I feel. It gives me strength, I am much happier and I am no longer afraid of what used to worry me. The sad part about all this, is that betrayal, disrespect and lies cut deep, and the wounds are hard to heal. Not so much for myself, but for my kids. Sometimes I wish my arms were longer, to wrap around them tighter so that I could stop the hurt that still comes their way. It shouldn't. It should have stopped a long time ago.

I need my arms, for my own self love too. I'm still trying to get better. I want to be living for my kids weddings, future accomplishments. That is what we should all be looking forward to, regardless of our stations.

I went to see my Dr yesterday, the Oncologist. This was the "big" appointment. I was nervous, resentful, agitated and very tired going into this appointment. Despite the fact that my mood would have rocked any mood ring off my fingers, it was extremely informative, and I can't tell you enough how great my Dr is!

‎As I explained before, there is another mass in my abdomen, specifically in my Omentum . They aren't able to identify it 100%...they have narrowed it down to two lucky winners, and those are: 

a) the mass could be necrotic tissue that is infected and inflamed, apparently this would show up on the scans like a cancer would. It's still trouble regardless, because of infection, and it's location.

Even if it's winner a, they still plan on treating this, as cancer.

 b) it's cancer of the omentum, cancer of the omentum on its own is ok (who says that??), but if it's cancer that has metastasized, that would be the absolute worst news we could get.

Be it lucky winner a or b, the conference of the Dr's is that they feel surgery would be the best option, to get it out, and get it out quick. My mom and I had a small trip planned, we asked if we could schedule the surgery around it, to accommodate our trip. We were told with a very straight face, and a stern tone..."that we should not wait".  The surgery will be difficult, mid-line gut and they may take out affected parts from the old cancer, but I am getting a head of myself.

I meet with the Surgeon this Friday. I will have more info after that.

And onto new beginnings....Congratulations to my wonderful cousin Kelly!! She just got engaged recently, and I am so very very happy for her!!

It's nice to have something to look forward to, and also have a goal to plan.....how is this?

I don't want to bring cancer as my date to her wedding ;)

xo

s

Silence has so many layers.....

Thank you all so much for your notes, texts and messages of concern. I know I have been off the grid a bit with my blog, and FB, and maybe life in general, but I appreciate everyone's concern, and warm thoughts.

Many things have happened in the last few weeks, good and bad. So...let me explain.

As I left off I was waiting for a PET scan and an MRI to check to see if the cancer‎ was gone from the areas that needed treatment. Specifically, the cervix, uterus and lymph nodes. The lymph nodes were of major concern, since they can carry the cancer anywhere, and the chance of spreading made me a high candidate.

The PET scan was un-eventful.   My mom and I travelled to Vancouver for it. Mom is now an old hand at being my chauffeur and taking care of where I need to be in Vancouver. It's funny, from someone who used to be so capable at doing pretty much everything, I still don't feel strong enough to get myself thru Vancouver traffic and to the hospital on my own. Again, thank goodness for my mom.

Once the scan was over, we had a nice dinner, and went back to the hotel room and crashed. Ok, I crashed. The next morning, we were up fairly early, early by my standards, late by my mom's, and off to the ferry. I had to get back to the island to have an MRI at the hospital that late afternoon. Also, I wanted to be home for when my sweet Sophie got home from school.

‎Next, I had the MRI. It was at a different hospital, so I knew I wouldn't run into my old friend from my last MRI. I was met with a wonderful woman tech who had a sing songy voice and was eager to make my MRI as pleasant as possible.

We got started right away, once again I was given a choice of music because the machine is so loud, I chose classical, it just really seemed like the safest bet....although, it is my personal goal to one day ask for The Sex Pistols.

The lovely tech got me settled on the table, ready to slide me into the machine. She put a few blankets on me, it was pretty cold in the room, so I didn't stop her, where normally I would. She also laid about 30lbs of film over my abdomen, and I was ready to begin. She closed the door, went into her control room, checked the mic to see if I could hear her, started up the machine, and started up the music....the Disney music. Snow White to be exact.

I thought maybe it was a bit of a joke, but nooo..uh huh...it was all the Disney princesses singing, in a more grown up classical way. Oh.EMM.GEE!

If that wasn't the worst, I had forgotten, that since all my treatments had thrown me into early menopause, if I get hot flashes, I get a few at night, around this time at night. So here I lay, listening to Disney princesses singing, I am also sweating so badly, I can feel drops trickling off my forhead!

I was kind of longing for Rob and his country tunes at that moment!

I'm kidding.

The test ran for about 45 minutes, but it seemed liked 45 hours.‎ I was so happy to get out of there!

As of Thursday, only the PET results are in. The very very good news is that the cancer in my cervix, uterus and lymph nodes...is all gone :)

The bad news is that they have found another mass, or affected tissue that is more cancer. It is localized, so as of today, I have been referred to a surgeon, as they feel it can simply be removed. 

That's all I know so far, obviously there is still more information to come, more tests, more boring pokes and prodes. I've done this before, and I can do this again.

I just want to say again, thank you all so very much for coming on this journey with me. When I started this blog in October, I expected a handful of people to read it, but as of last week, my blog has had over 10,000 hits! That's a lot of readers!

Have a very happy easter with your family, friends and loved ones!

xo

Waiting...

I've proven to be not so hot at updating everyone on the status of my waiting.....yes, I am still patiently (cough..NOT!) waiting to go for the PET scan on the 14th.

I've had to become a little creative to keep my mind off things. I've started to become queen of the PVR. I can't even brag I am recording good shows, trust me, I am not.

Obviously,  I'm not very good at this, I would like to know what is going on in this body of mine. I want to know that all of the radiation I went thru was worth it, and that it worked. I also want to get on with things...you know, like...living.

At night, if I can't sleep I compare waiting to life's small irritants....

Bare with me...

- like an itch that can't be scratched..

- like waiting for someone to text you back..

- the lyrics to a song being on the tip of your tongue..

-  a bad hair day..

Times these by ten....and you get Rob Ford. 

Ha! I'm kidding......

Thank you to everyone who's called or sent me a FB note, text or email. It's great to hear from you,   and I truly appreciate your thoughts.

Until the 14th I will be chilling as best I can like Spiccoli here and will update everyone as soon as I have news. 

xo

s

The Breakfast Club.....

The PET scan has been booked for April 14th in Vancouver. The MRI is on April 15th back in Victoria. Thankfully the MRI is late in the afternoon so we won't have to take the first ferry back from Vancouver.

These scans will be the ones we bank on for the best information on the cancer. The PET scan will show any trace of cancer, and the MRI will show any mass, and it's size, if at all.

This is all good. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible with those dates looming.   However, I was rocked a bit when I found out that the appointment to get the results, wasn't until April 28th....no, no, no. I can't wait that long. I called the cancer centre to see if I could get in earlier, and was told no. My Dr. was all booked up.

Sadly,  I kind of started to feel my old friend anger seep in. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being tired. I just want to know what's going on....so I can go on, know what I mean?

Anyways, I am trying my best to stay positive, but it's not easy.

Now for the good stuff.....

Did you know that on March 24th, the movie The Breakfast Club will be 30 years old.   Are you finished doing the math in your head? Yes, it's been that long, and yes, we've gotten older.

This is probably my favorite all time movie. I can recite most of it word for word, I know all the insults from Bender and I still remember my high-school boyfriends favorite quote.

The movie was/is so easy to relate to, no matter how old you are, regardless of whether you are male or female. Ok, maybe the guys didn't relate to the princess...or maybe some did, that's cool too.

I guess the reason why I am feeling overly nostalgic, is that what you took away from the movie was the feeling of belonging to a group where no one belongs.

That's kind of how I feel right now.

In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, we are:

....a brain

.....and an athlete

......and a basket case

.....and a princess

......and a cancer patient

xo

Rolling in the know....

I was back at the Cancer Centre today. First time since I was sent on my 6 week vacation. I was nervous, and let's face it, very tired considering I had two hours sleep.

I really wasn't sure what to expect from this appointment. I knew I would be poked and prodded, asked a million questions, but, because so much of the information they need is thru scans and Bloodwork, I knew we wouldn't walk away with a ton of information.

My Dr. was happy with my progress, which is great news. There seemed to be no sign of the tumour by feel, and that is a great thing. All that radiation has paid off!

I still have to go for an MRI and another PET scan. The PET scan is the important one. This is the scan that shows even the tiniest of specs of cancer in the body. This is the scan that picked up that there was cancer in my lymph nodes. We need to make sure that the scan comes back "Negative". That will then confirm that all of the cancer/panda cells are gone gone gone!

I won't be going for those tests for about another 6 weeks, that kind of bummed me out. There is still a possibility that there is inflammation from the radiation in my body, and we do not want any false positives in any of my scans. So, again, it's a waiting game....

Despite the great news, I left the appointment unsettled. I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps it's the waiting and the worry about the lymph nodes...or maybe, again,  it's the feeling of my life being on hold. I don't know...

Anyways....thats the news!

xo

Life on pause...

I've been doing well on my "vacation" away from treatment. Last week, I had a particularly good week, it started off with a pedicure (thank you Lizzy boo) and I had two long overdue visits with good friends. I also bought some new clothes to go with my ever dwindling frame. I spent some wonderful time with the kids, it seemed as tho they were all here everyday, which I didn't mind one bit.

Most if not all of my side effects are gone.   I can't quite shake the nausea and food thing, it's weird. I can't "make" a meal, but I could probably eat it if someone else made it. To put a meal together also requires stamina, which I don't quite have yet either. It feels like I am describing the days when I was pregnant!

Feelings wise, I am doing ok. I've had my ups and downs. I've put a lot of pressure on myself, on my body to be well again, to be a medical mystery maybe. I hope the tumour has shrunk to the size of a smartie, that way it will be easy to get rid of, then voila...I will be cancer free. I know that's not how things work, I get it but I hope that I don't let everyone down if there isn't an improvement.

My appointment with my Oncologist is next week. I have been looking forward to this appointment, and dreading it at the same time. Again, I have worries about how well my body and the radiation have gotten rid of the cancer, but also looking forward to it so that I can get out of this holding zone. I liked that I had a break from treatment, but I haven't really been able to plan anything or really do anything until this appointment.   Depending on what happens next week will dictate potentially how I may spend the next 4-6 months...or not.

That's the hard part, not knowing. There is a lot of that in the cancer world...

xo

My chemical romance......

With any chronic and long term illness, you are bound to be stuck with prescription medicine.   Before that, there is the trial and error period, which is where you and your Dr try different medications to see what works for you. For some, this can be a long tedious, sometimes painful process. Not to mention expensive and time consuming. Having said that, it's extremely important to do.

I'm well aware that there are natural, organic and prescription free alternatives, but I'm not discussing that, I am talking about what worked for me.

Just before I was finally diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I had a Dr who basically threw pills at me. I was unhappy, in pain and he had the prescription pad, I must have been an easy patient. Truth be told, I didn't even really know what I was taking except that it helped me sleep, and helped with some pain.  Another truth, I loved my sleeping pills...I escaped to the bedroom to get away from so many fights in my doomed marriage. Unfortunately, I started to escape more and more. I soon realized I was on a slippery slope, those pills were getting me nowhere fast, they were not going to cure me, they would not solve my problems and they would not save my marriage.  Sadly, unbeknownst to be my marriage was already over, due to an affair. So I stopped the pills, cold turkey, a new me.

Four days later, the new me, had a grand mal seizure in the middle of a store...in front of my son, who to this day has trouble dealing with that episode, and I, to this day, harbour incredible guilt. When I fell to the ground, I hit my head so hard, I had a concussion. I came to in the ambulance, but apparently I was just sitting on the stretcher staring at nothing.

At the hospital, is where I was hit with news I never thought I would hear, not I. I was in withdrawal from benzodiazapenes. Serious medication, where you need to be tapered off slowly, the dosage I was on should have taken about a year to get off, possibly two. What had I done?

I was in the hospital for about a week. I spoke with several counsellors who were willing to help me taper my medication, and help me straighten things out. It was surreal for me, honestly to have gone through such a preventable episode, one where I could have died. There is no excuse to be so naive and careless with medication. I needed to rally back from this.

I found a new Dr, and all my medication was packaged for me in the pharmacy in pill packs. I knew everything I was taking, and why. I would have endless conversations about the pro's and cons of certain medications once I started taking more for my RA.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was of course upset but I got scared of the thought of more medication. I don't want more, but that's impossible when faced with a disease that could take my life.  

I guess my reason for saying this out loud is that once I am done with the treatments, and the cancer is gone, the illness a distant memory......will the pills be too?