Changes, things stay the same & new beginnings...

I've finally changed back to my Maiden name. Although, on some platforms I've been going by Sarah Russell for awhile, this time it's official. It says so right on my drivers license, right beside my fake weight, exaggerated height and blurry mugshot. I cannot wait to re-new my passport...

The more I shed from my previous life, the better I feel. It gives me strength, I am much happier and I am no longer afraid of what used to worry me. The sad part about all this, is that betrayal, disrespect and lies cut deep, and the wounds are hard to heal. Not so much for myself, but for my kids. Sometimes I wish my arms were longer, to wrap around them tighter so that I could stop the hurt that still comes their way. It shouldn't. It should have stopped a long time ago.

I need my arms, for my own self love too. I'm still trying to get better. I want to be living for my kids weddings, future accomplishments. That is what we should all be looking forward to, regardless of our stations.

I went to see my Dr yesterday, the Oncologist. This was the "big" appointment. I was nervous, resentful, agitated and very tired going into this appointment. Despite the fact that my mood would have rocked any mood ring off my fingers, it was extremely informative, and I can't tell you enough how great my Dr is!

‎As I explained before, there is another mass in my abdomen, specifically in my Omentum . They aren't able to identify it 100%...they have narrowed it down to two lucky winners, and those are: 

a) the mass could be necrotic tissue that is infected and inflamed, apparently this would show up on the scans like a cancer would. It's still trouble regardless, because of infection, and it's location.

Even if it's winner a, they still plan on treating this, as cancer.

 b) it's cancer of the omentum, cancer of the omentum on its own is ok (who says that??), but if it's cancer that has metastasized, that would be the absolute worst news we could get.

Be it lucky winner a or b, the conference of the Dr's is that they feel surgery would be the best option, to get it out, and get it out quick. My mom and I had a small trip planned, we asked if we could schedule the surgery around it, to accommodate our trip. We were told with a very straight face, and a stern tone..."that we should not wait".  The surgery will be difficult, mid-line gut and they may take out affected parts from the old cancer, but I am getting a head of myself.

I meet with the Surgeon this Friday. I will have more info after that.

And onto new beginnings....Congratulations to my wonderful cousin Kelly!! She just got engaged recently, and I am so very very happy for her!!

It's nice to have something to look forward to, and also have a goal to plan.....how is this?

I don't want to bring cancer as my date to her wedding ;)

xo

s

Silence has so many layers.....

Thank you all so much for your notes, texts and messages of concern. I know I have been off the grid a bit with my blog, and FB, and maybe life in general, but I appreciate everyone's concern, and warm thoughts.

Many things have happened in the last few weeks, good and bad. So...let me explain.

As I left off I was waiting for a PET scan and an MRI to check to see if the cancer‎ was gone from the areas that needed treatment. Specifically, the cervix, uterus and lymph nodes. The lymph nodes were of major concern, since they can carry the cancer anywhere, and the chance of spreading made me a high candidate.

The PET scan was un-eventful.   My mom and I travelled to Vancouver for it. Mom is now an old hand at being my chauffeur and taking care of where I need to be in Vancouver. It's funny, from someone who used to be so capable at doing pretty much everything, I still don't feel strong enough to get myself thru Vancouver traffic and to the hospital on my own. Again, thank goodness for my mom.

Once the scan was over, we had a nice dinner, and went back to the hotel room and crashed. Ok, I crashed. The next morning, we were up fairly early, early by my standards, late by my mom's, and off to the ferry. I had to get back to the island to have an MRI at the hospital that late afternoon. Also, I wanted to be home for when my sweet Sophie got home from school.

‎Next, I had the MRI. It was at a different hospital, so I knew I wouldn't run into my old friend from my last MRI. I was met with a wonderful woman tech who had a sing songy voice and was eager to make my MRI as pleasant as possible.

We got started right away, once again I was given a choice of music because the machine is so loud, I chose classical, it just really seemed like the safest bet....although, it is my personal goal to one day ask for The Sex Pistols.

The lovely tech got me settled on the table, ready to slide me into the machine. She put a few blankets on me, it was pretty cold in the room, so I didn't stop her, where normally I would. She also laid about 30lbs of film over my abdomen, and I was ready to begin. She closed the door, went into her control room, checked the mic to see if I could hear her, started up the machine, and started up the music....the Disney music. Snow White to be exact.

I thought maybe it was a bit of a joke, but nooo..uh huh...it was all the Disney princesses singing, in a more grown up classical way. Oh.EMM.GEE!

If that wasn't the worst, I had forgotten, that since all my treatments had thrown me into early menopause, if I get hot flashes, I get a few at night, around this time at night. So here I lay, listening to Disney princesses singing, I am also sweating so badly, I can feel drops trickling off my forhead!

I was kind of longing for Rob and his country tunes at that moment!

I'm kidding.

The test ran for about 45 minutes, but it seemed liked 45 hours.‎ I was so happy to get out of there!

As of Thursday, only the PET results are in. The very very good news is that the cancer in my cervix, uterus and lymph nodes...is all gone :)

The bad news is that they have found another mass, or affected tissue that is more cancer. It is localized, so as of today, I have been referred to a surgeon, as they feel it can simply be removed. 

That's all I know so far, obviously there is still more information to come, more tests, more boring pokes and prodes. I've done this before, and I can do this again.

I just want to say again, thank you all so very much for coming on this journey with me. When I started this blog in October, I expected a handful of people to read it, but as of last week, my blog has had over 10,000 hits! That's a lot of readers!

Have a very happy easter with your family, friends and loved ones!

xo

Waiting...

I've proven to be not so hot at updating everyone on the status of my waiting.....yes, I am still patiently (cough..NOT!) waiting to go for the PET scan on the 14th.

I've had to become a little creative to keep my mind off things. I've started to become queen of the PVR. I can't even brag I am recording good shows, trust me, I am not.

Obviously,  I'm not very good at this, I would like to know what is going on in this body of mine. I want to know that all of the radiation I went thru was worth it, and that it worked. I also want to get on with things...you know, like...living.

At night, if I can't sleep I compare waiting to life's small irritants....

Bare with me...

- like an itch that can't be scratched..

- like waiting for someone to text you back..

- the lyrics to a song being on the tip of your tongue..

-  a bad hair day..

Times these by ten....and you get Rob Ford. 

Ha! I'm kidding......

Thank you to everyone who's called or sent me a FB note, text or email. It's great to hear from you,   and I truly appreciate your thoughts.

Until the 14th I will be chilling as best I can like Spiccoli here and will update everyone as soon as I have news. 

xo

s