My chemical romance......

With any chronic and long term illness, you are bound to be stuck with prescription medicine.   Before that, there is the trial and error period, which is where you and your Dr try different medications to see what works for you. For some, this can be a long tedious, sometimes painful process. Not to mention expensive and time consuming. Having said that, it's extremely important to do.

I'm well aware that there are natural, organic and prescription free alternatives, but I'm not discussing that, I am talking about what worked for me.

Just before I was finally diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I had a Dr who basically threw pills at me. I was unhappy, in pain and he had the prescription pad, I must have been an easy patient. Truth be told, I didn't even really know what I was taking except that it helped me sleep, and helped with some pain.  Another truth, I loved my sleeping pills...I escaped to the bedroom to get away from so many fights in my doomed marriage. Unfortunately, I started to escape more and more. I soon realized I was on a slippery slope, those pills were getting me nowhere fast, they were not going to cure me, they would not solve my problems and they would not save my marriage.  Sadly, unbeknownst to be my marriage was already over, due to an affair. So I stopped the pills, cold turkey, a new me.

Four days later, the new me, had a grand mal seizure in the middle of a store...in front of my son, who to this day has trouble dealing with that episode, and I, to this day, harbour incredible guilt. When I fell to the ground, I hit my head so hard, I had a concussion. I came to in the ambulance, but apparently I was just sitting on the stretcher staring at nothing.

At the hospital, is where I was hit with news I never thought I would hear, not I. I was in withdrawal from benzodiazapenes. Serious medication, where you need to be tapered off slowly, the dosage I was on should have taken about a year to get off, possibly two. What had I done?

I was in the hospital for about a week. I spoke with several counsellors who were willing to help me taper my medication, and help me straighten things out. It was surreal for me, honestly to have gone through such a preventable episode, one where I could have died. There is no excuse to be so naive and careless with medication. I needed to rally back from this.

I found a new Dr, and all my medication was packaged for me in the pharmacy in pill packs. I knew everything I was taking, and why. I would have endless conversations about the pro's and cons of certain medications once I started taking more for my RA.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was of course upset but I got scared of the thought of more medication. I don't want more, but that's impossible when faced with a disease that could take my life.  

I guess my reason for saying this out loud is that once I am done with the treatments, and the cancer is gone, the illness a distant memory......will the pills be too?

Time...

Today is the anniversary of the day my father passed away. I still remember the feelings surrounding that time like it was yesterday, although they aren't as sharp, they don't cut so deep, the sting and pain is there, but it's not as breathtaking as it used to be.

Remembering that time, when he was in Hospice. Knowing he wasn't going to go back home, knowing, but not processing knowing. Seeing him deteriorate, but not seeing. Talking about it, but not saying "those words", he was dying. We were losing him.

This year is much different for me. This year, I have cancer. Cancer stole him from us, took him in such a brutal way. The irony that I basically have the female version of the cancer that he died from, is not lost on me. I struggle with the "why me" today. I haven't this whole time, but today, of all days...

Of course I will say, I will beat it, and I am strong and will kick cancers ass, and I want to...I need too, but I've also seen that cancer takes who it wants, when it wants. Fucking cancer. 

Time helps, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss his voice, or his guidance and advice. Just being in his presence, I miss. I miss him for my kids, I just really miss my dad..

After the I love you's at his bedside, when he could no longer speak, I thanked him. I thanked him for being the best Dad, friend, person in my life, I was so lucky to be a part of him and his life.

Thank you Dad, I love you and miss you every single day...

xo

Wish..

Sophie was filling out a school work piece. It was filled with many questions, such as what is your favorite food, what is your favorite animal....and the biggie..."what is your wish"

Reading that brought tears to my eyes, for many reasons. One other question on her work was "who do you most admire", she wrote "my mom".

For the most part I've tried to keep the worst of this away from Sophie. She has been shuffled from her Nana's (my mom) house, to friends houses when times have been rough. 

When Sophie asks about my cancer, I've always told her the truth. As with my other two children, I've never kept anything from them. You may notice that I also don't talk about the kids very much in my posts. The fact that I don't write about their reactions, or feelings is because it's theirs, and theirs alone. At times, I have asked if I could share things they have said or felt, but only if they feel comfortable.

Sophie doesn't miss a beat, I know she knows what is going on. I know her wish came from her heart, and she sent it to where the tooth fairy lives, where Santa is and where the Easter bunny is hanging out.

She knows when I need a little space when we are at home, but she always wants to be in the same room with me, never can I be out of sight for long. She is such a love, and she is what keeps me smiling day after day.

I don't need an alarm clock...she crawls into bed with me around 4 am every morning to cuddle. She says the cat keeps waking her up....but I know better ;)

Sophie....my wish is the same as yours, I love you

xo

You can call me...sleepy

This was my first week of a break. I am supposed to rest and let the effects of the radiation do its work. Also, rest from the side effects that radiation has had on me.

I was hesitant to go gung ho and make plans, or make lists of all the things I would like to catch up on. I didn't really know what I was going to be up against. My Dr's had all warned me, I would not have energy, to expect nausea, fatigue and that effects will take awhile to go away.

Well hello side effects and sleep. That's what I did....dealt with the nausea, and slept. One day, I slept thru the day and night.

It's been that kind of week. I had my ID ready in case my kids needed reminding who I was....kidding of course, I am glad they are understanding. I do know they would rather see their mom up and about, and it's hard for them to see me like this. They all have their own way to show their silent protest, when they are unhappy with our world the way it is now,  but we talk about it. It's a tough subject, but we need to keep it real....because it is.

Of course I had some waking moments this week,  not far from the back of my mind is my worry about my lymph nodes. I am hoping beyond hope that the radiation will do its job and kill the panda cells right out of there. Also the fact that there is more treatment in my future kinda bums me out. I know dwelling on this for the next month will do me no good, so I try to focus on the positive.

I've come this far. Even tho I have had some terrible side effects, it could have been much much worse. My original tumor has shrunk. I am responding positively to treatment so far. I have fantastic Dr's who are taking very good care of me.

Hopefully next week I will be able to get out more. Someone had a great idea for me, that was to plant a small herb garden. I think that's a great idea, and I will try and do that.

I would like to thank friends and family who help me everyday. Thank you for the cards and messages, they keep my spirits up and always make me smile. I love hearing from people who send me an email or a FB message.

Also, a huge thank you to Randy who offered to take a look at my car and tweak it, put a few bandaids on it to make sure it was safe for me to drive. Thank you Randy!

And a super special thank you to my mom and Aunt Judy  who showed up bright and early this morning, with cleaning supplies in hand. They made my house sparkle while I slept.....what an amazing feeling to wake up to!

Take care everyone

xo

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