Chemo - Round 3

I'm not even going to pretend that I was able to give chemo a fight this time. I didn't see the first punch coming, it knocked me down for 8 days straight. I'm guessing the more run down your body gets from chemo, the harder it is to come back from it. I can't wait until this is over.

The day it got me was a Sunday, I woke up and felt nauseous and achy, which is normal after chemo. My body did.not.want.to.move.....and from the way it felt when I did move it, I wanted to stay very still. And so I stayed like that for days, no energy, achy, sore, nauseous, sleepy. It was horrible.

 About day 5, I pushed myself to go downstairs. It was very difficult, I felt light headed, but at the same time I didn't feel that my body was strong enough to hold my head.  The whole adventure of going downstairs was exhausting, all I could do was turn around and go right back upstairs. When I got to the staircase..I cried. Hot tears ran down my face. I felt completely defeated and I had a pity party right then and there about....well, everything I guess.   I finally wiped away my tears, pulled on my big girl panties and made the slow trek upstairs.    Then one morning I woke up, and I knew that chemo had released me from its clutches, that I was strong again. I was right.

Suffering from the effects of chemo aren't always as cut and dry as above. I have mouth sores, which make brushing my teeth very painful, day and night. My hair, or whatever you want to call what's left of it is just a mess....i usually wear a touque around the house and when I go out....a touque in this weather. My nose! Holy 50 shades of snot (sorry)....it runs and runs all the time....and at the wierdest tiimes!   Ugggh Chemo!

I am better now. That is all that matters. I've gotten stronger and I know what to expect.

I had a CT scan this week. This scan will tell us whether the chemo is working, and whether the tumour on the omentum has shrunk. I was originally for scheduled for 6 chemo sessions, so if it does look to be working then we keep on with the schedule, if not....then I don't know.

My previous Dr wouldn't let me wait for results, I would either have an appt right away, or I would get a phone call, usually at night. With this new Dr, I don't have any of those things.....yet, I am hoping I still may hear from him by the end of the week.

This has been a very difficult 3 weeks, I think this update reflects that. I would not have gotten thru without my children, Jesse, Hayley and Sophie and my super Mom, and our wonderful friend Dawn. Thank you thank you thank you.

Also, friends who are asking what they can do to help, food is what is working the best, frozen meals or whatever works for you.

More thank yous go to Emma G, Wendy S, Dawn LB, Tegan C, and my super Mom

xoxo

s

Chemo- Round 2

Chemo - .5

Sarah - 1.5

Hair - 1

This time Chemotherapy took a lot from me. I guess that's what it's supposed to do, take all my good and bad cells, and destroy everything in its wake.

I've written parts of this posts at different times, but haven't had the strength to touch on how I felt, about...how I felt.

It's day 11 since I had the chemo, and I finally feel as if I can eat‎, possibly consider a wardrobe change, from tank tops and ladies boxers....to oh you know...."real clothes", I can't even begin to describe my sleep schedule.

For me, so far..the thing about chemo is that it makes you feel so sensitive. Everything feels like‎ the loudest rock concert right in my face. I ask people to speak softly, don't slam doors, tv's need to be turned down (that goes over well), I can't listen to music thru headphones, I can't concentrate enough to read, and that....truly hurts me. I love to read, I read everything,but sadly, right now...all my favorite books are piling up. An audiobook has been suggested, but that goes back to the sensitivity issues.

I do all the writing for this blog on my blackberry. The very idea of pulling out my Mac and having a bright screen staring at me...it just starts to hurt my teeth. In fact, I do everything on my blackberry, it's easy to manoeuvre in a way that if I feel a sensitivity issue coming, I can keep it at bay.

Even when I have mouth sores, I don't have a lot of issues with food. It's the sensitivity to it, the smell, taste, texture...all things to consider when I finally decide to eat. By the time I get thru this crazy list, I'm usually not hungry anymore.  I'm not keen on much these days.

Not the best subject to follow food but....you don't just lose your hair on your head with chemo, you lose hair elsewhere of course, but my biggest pet peeve...is losing my nose hair! hello! Got a tissue? Cuz I need 10. With no nose hair, there is nothing catching the boogers. I have the constant sniffles...like constant. I can't keep enough kleenex near me. It's the little things...

I started to lose my hair the day after my last post. It was exactly 2 weeks to the day of my first chemo, which is when I was told to expect to see some loss.

I was in the shower, it came out in my hands. I was trying to free my hands of it by hanging the bits along the shower wall. I'm going to remind you here, I had hair down to just past my shoulder blades. I'd never had it this long, but I loved it.

I didn't lose a lot in the shower, but my hair was in knots, so brushing out the knots just brushed out more hair. Even after I thought I got it all, I'd find another knot, kind of like a long rastafarian twist. This went on until it was dry, then for the rest of the week you could hear "oh gross mom"...that was someone finding a trail of the hair that just couldn't hang on. There is a lot of hair.

This weekend my dear friend who cut my hair for years came to my rescue. She's helping me transition from the long, to short, to...bald, to wig. She's cut for me now a cute bob that's just below my ears. I don't think it will last as long as I'd  like it to tho, I seem to be losing even more hair now then I was before.

Why so much talk about my hair? I don't know, I thought it was something I was going to be able to do well, be brave, but I am not. I don't feel pretty or strong. When I look in the mirror I see fear and loneliness, but I still see me beating this cancer....so that's something.  So far tho...with all the treatments, meds, needles, nausea...this has been the hardest part.  Sure, I could have shaved it off, but I would have dismissed my feelings, and I can't do that right now.‎ I feel silly about being sad about losing my hair, I know it could be so much worse. This is my journey, I will adapt and win.

It's all a tough process, and I just wrote 3 paragraphs about my hair....well, at least I can back that up by saying I always did have a great lid :)

I went out to the mall today with my girls. Sophie was iffy on me heading out without a hat on or something to cover my head. So I wore one of those beanies.  

The picture to anyone else would have looked like this: a weary mother obviously fighting cancer, shopping. In reality, the picture was this: two girls shopping with their mom,‎ who obviously was fighting cancer...but what you couldn't see?  The fight behind this mothers eyes, because she's not giving up shopping or anything with her girls for nothing. Ever.

Special thanks this month go to: Pieter and Karen V, Janet B, Dawn LB, Shirley M, Emma G, and my super mom xox

xox

s