How it started...

This week is a down week, more like the calm before the storm.

I thought I would start from the beginning, as most of you won't know, how this panda came to be. Given the anatomy, I will be careful with my words and not be to TMI for the men who are reading this.‎ Guys, stay with me, it's important for you to know some of this too.

I'm no stranger to the medical system. For the last three to four years I've been battling Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and along with those two biggies, they usually cause smaller problems.‎ Having RA means that my immune system is compromised, it means I, or, well, my body is susceptible to minor infections to major internal infections. For the most part, it's highly unlikely, but every month I have to get get blood work done to check all my levels to make sure nothing is out of whack.

It's not just the disease itself that could cause the problem, it could be one of the 16 meds that I am on that could be the problem. For example, I had a routine blood test and went on about my day, later that afternoon my Dr. called and told me my potassium level was dangerously low. I kind of laughed and said I would go and eat a banana. She got serious and told me to go straight to the ER. Having levels that low, I was at a serious risk for a cardiac arrest. A night in the hospital, pumped full of potassium and drinking it straight (gross, gross, gross), and I was out of there!. The culprit? A blood pressure pill that I had been on for well over a year. It had been slowly chipping away at my potassium, and just by chance they were checking for it that day. 

I guess I wanted to give you some of that background because I don't want what I did happen to you. Let me explain....

I visited my Dr. in May, our visits are always about the meds I am on, do I need more? How is my blood pressure? How is my pain level? And by the time we are done that, our time is usually up. That day, I had to squeeze in another question.

Sarah: I've pretty much had my period since April and it hasn't stopped yet.

Dr. Oh, ok, well that's not good. Let's see how you are in two weeks, and if you are still bleeding we can put you on birth control pills to stop the bleeding.

Appointment Over.

‎Two Weeks Later....

Repeat above about meds, blood pressure‎ and pain level.

Sarah: I'm still umm bleeding, it hasn't stopped. Is there something we can do?

Dr. Oh right! Ok, here is a pack of Birth Control pills, only take the last 7 days of the pills and then the bleeding should stop.

Appointment over.

By this time, it was close to the end of June. I was buying pads in bulk at Costco‎, and I had to sleep on towels so I wouldn't ruin any more sheets. I was really losing a lot of blood.

Next appointment:

Repeat above, meds, blood pressure, pain levels

Sarah: I really need to talk about the bleeding, it's not getting any better, in fact some days it's actually worse.

The Dr. questioned me on some family history, and then said she was going to refer me to a gynaecologist. She also wanted to send me for more blood work to check my iron levels.

Let's see...I have been bleeding since the beginning of April, how do you think my iron levels were?? ya...iron supplements and everyone I knew telling me to each spinach, I got it.

I had a gynaecologist appointment scheduled for September 5th. I believe that was made for me sometime at the end of July, so that was frustrating, having to wait so long. I was tired of all the blood. I had zero energy from being anemic and I was starting to get kind of worried. 

My point about my regular appointments is this. My Dr. saw me as a circle of issues, and they were all to do with the RA and meds and blood pressure and pain. I was pretty comfortable in that circle as well, I wasn't getting any worse. I couldn't imagine feeling worse, so I was very comfortable. My Dr and I,  we forgot to look past the circle, to see what else was up. Not to see what else was wrong, but to make sure, nothing else was wrong. We didn't do that. I didn't ask. The Dr. didn't bring it up. We were both comfortable in my sick circle.

Had I asked or had I been told back in April, that a pap test would be a good idea, just to rule anything out. This cancer, would have been caught early.‎ This cancer, would not be as advanced as it is. This cancer....would not be threatening my life

The MRI

The next morning following my visit to the Cancer Clinic my phone was ringing off the hook. This particular call was from the Vic Gen Hospital, they had an opening for an emergency MRI. Could I come in at 10:30?

Me: oh wow, don't these usually take a year to get an appointment for?

Booking person: Well we are getting you in because you have can...oh..

Me: because I have cancer?

Booking person: yes, sorry can you come in right away?

Holy, I thought I was the only one who couldn't say it.‎ I guess now that I have the big C I have some expedited privileges.  ‎Wait...this is going to be awesome at Costco during the Christmas hours.

I got to the hospital, made my way to Medical Imaging. There were a ton of people in the waiting room. Great I thought, I should have brought something to read. I gave my name at the desk and was preoccupied by putting my health card away in my purse that I just started walking away. She called me back and said I could go right in. 

You know that scene in The Lonely Guy? when Steve Martin goes to eat by himself?  ya...that. I had a million eyes on me as I walked past the throng of people that had been waiting before me. I suddenly felt self conscience, and kinda pissed that I was wearing capri's and hadn't shaved my legs.

I was told to walk down the hallways and follow the orange stripe, wait in the waiting room until someone comes to get me.‎ I sat patiently,waiting nervously for what was next. Suddenly a man with an incredibly deep and loud voice called my name.

Loud voice man: Are you Sarah Thomson?

Me: Yes?

Loud voice man: Are you sure?

He was dressed in all black under armour gear, he must have been from the marines or something, you cannot have a voice like that and not have people obey you, or pee their pants.

He motioned for me to follow him behind some doors, he pointed to a seat, and I sat.

Loud voice man: My name is Rob, I am your technician for the day, do you have any questions so far?

Me: N.n.n.n.o sir?

Rob: You don't have to call me Sir!

Me: *my mouth is moving but I am too afraid to talk so I just look like I have a really awkward smile*

Rob: Are you wearing a bra?

Me: ‎Ummm no? Just a tank top with a bra built in...

I have no idea why I felt I needed to be so descriptive.

He looked like I told him I just ate green eggs and ham.

Rob: I have no idea what you people do with your clothes!

You people? ....he's probably on his fourth wife. 

Rob: Well Sarah, since you are not wearing any metal on your body, we can proceed to the examination room.

I walked into a large, cold room. There, before me, was the mothership. Whatever piece of equipment this was, it was freaking huge. Since Rob had gone in before me, he had opportunity to grab his shammy and stand over yonder and shine that puppy before he fired it up. I shivered at the sight, and not in a good way...at all.

I had to lay on a table that was going to slide me in and out of this machine. Apparently it was going to be loud, and I would need ear phones. These would work for a few reasons.‎ The operator of the machine can communicate with you, by telling you how much longer or make sure if you are ok. And again, the machine is super loud, so they are a must.

Rob:‎ Sarah, would you like to listen to music? I've got everything here, you name it, I've got it. Country, Rock, Top 40....what would you like to hear?

Honestly, I couldn't think. I was about to be squeezed into a huge metal contraption, ‎the hole I was going into was the size of a small cat door. Seriously, what music would you pick?

Rob: Sarah? You aren't saying anything, are you embarrassed to tell us what kind of music you like? 

Who did this guy think he was talking to? Me? Embarrassed about music? Duuuuuude!

Rob: What will it be? Country, Rock....?

It took me everything, and I mean everything not to ask for The Sex Pistols. I decided to go easy on him.

Sarah: Do you have Mumford and Sons?

Robs face fell...

Rob: No, I don't. I do have the Grammy nominee soundtracks tho, they are on there.

I really appreciated that he was trying, but if he put on the Grammy nominee CD there was a good chance I'd be in that machine with a Bieber or a Kanye song....no way, no....just no.

Sarah: Can you just play some classical?

Rob: Sure, but I have some good Country...

Sarah: Rob...no such thing..

Finally, with classical music playing in my ears, I was forwarded into this hole. At first I thought oh no, but I just closed my eyes and hoped that it would pick up a very small amount of panda cells.

I found out the next day, that it picked up more.

Once the test was over, I was free to go. I thanked Rob profusely for his assistance, but I could tell he was still stung by my Country music put down.

When I left that unit, I found a back way out so I didn't have to face the crowd of people that I knew would still be waiting.

I still have one more big test to do and that is the PET scan in Vancouver next week. I've been back to the Cancer Clinic for the radiation planning. I've been set up with the pain management team, and if all goes according to plan, I start the aggressive radiation road to wellness on November 7th.

Happy weekend everyone, please cross your fingers and toes that the PET scan doesn't pick up anymore Panda cells, I already have enough to deal with!!!

xox s

ps..the opinions are solely mine, I didn't use a real name for my technician guy

pss..I hope the comment section is working, I think you either have to have a Google account or you can use the drop down menu and use Anonymous. Either way, please leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

No rest for the wicked...

I was awoken in the middle of the night, by puke. My puke. 

Really Panda? No warning, nothing?

Puking is pretty much my least favourite sport, so I am glad I was half asleep for it. I called for my son to help me, it was kind of everywhere, and I didn't have my glasses, and it scared me. He wasn't at all impressed by his hysterical mother crying about her puke, he cleaned it up, fixed up my bed, and that's all I remember.

The next morning (well, this morning) he told me he was moving out, I don't blame the kid.

So just like I was told, my phone started ringing off the hook. I'm already booked in for a PET scan in Vancouver. My mom and I will travel over there next Wednesday. My appointment is at 6:00 at night, and will take about 2 hours. I'm supposed to fast for 4 hours before that. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess I'm going to be hella grumpy once I get out of that test!

Thankfully‎, my mom suggested we stay the night and plan for a late dinner. I was not going to argue that. Once again, thank you mom!

I also was booked for an MRI. That whole experience, gets a blog unto itself.

This morning the C‎ancer Clinic called with several appointments. One to meet with the Oncologist again. One to do the planning for when they start radiation. This, from what I understand is when I lay on the table that either is or resembles the radiation machine. From their they will graph out and "mark", the points where they are aiming all the kick ass panda beating rays.

‎The "mark" will be small tattoos. I know right? I was waiting for her to say, "you get your choice of" ...but they don't do designs I'm told, just small marks. Anyways, that's the planning phase for my upcoming radiation marathon. ‎

I've got more blood work to do, and an appointment with the Urologist.

I think I need an event coordinator.

When the hell am I going to get my roots done??

The "day"..... part 2 **long and a few words that aren't nice**

I came home from the appointment and hugged Sophie for as long as she would let me....it wasn't long enough.

I got to the Cancer Clinic in good time, registered at the reception desk and received a new patient package.  It was mostly just a questionnaire for the care team, I also received a CD that I was invited to watch and return, and a volunteer offered me a journal, where inside I could track my progress during my visits.

The volunteer took us to a waiting room where it was confirmed which Dr's I would be seeing.  Everyone there was very helpful and kind.  I could feel my nerves start to fray, from fear and from resentment and not necessarily in that order.

Another volunteer called my name, and took us to an examination room.  I continued to fill out the form I was given.  I had gotten thru all the medical stuff, then the family stuff, the mood stuff and then I got to the section that was called "Care Values for Healthcare", it said "Adults talk over their beliefs, values and visits for health care with their close family and friends, as well as their health care providers, in advance, if a time comes when they may not be able to decide for themselves"

Stop this fucking bus, I want to get off.

Even tho I was sitting there with my mom, I suddenly felt wild eyed, I searched the room for something familiar, anything that would give me some comfort that I would be ok.  I suddenly missed my messy kitchen, my bed and my pj's.  I wanted to leave, but really where would I go?.  This place, these rooms, will soon be the norm for me.  Its where I will hear if treatments have worked or not.

Thankfully a knock interrupted my thoughts, 3 women came in. Two Dr's and one med student.  They were here to examine me and to decide whether or not they should do surgery or radiation.  They examined, and examined and examined some more.  The surgeon dropped out.  It was surreal.  The radiologist talked to me, as I was still laying on the examination table and said that she wanted to place a "gold seed" close to where the tumour is, a tumour marker.  It will show up in the scans and will be the measuring stick on how well her treatment of choice is working.  I had a choice, get it done then, or come back.  The gold seed would be inserted by injection, it shouldn't hurt that much. In fact, it didn't hurt at all.  After, I joked, that I got some "bling in me".

After all the exams were done, seed inserted it was time to talk treatment plan. The radiologist was very sure of what we needed to do, although there are still some more tests to get done, she's ready to go.

I still have to get a PET scan, which means I will have to travel to Vancouver to do that.  It will measure minuscule amounts of cancer cells.  The hope is that it is negative.  Cancer of the cervix does have opportunity to spread to the lymph nodes, we do not want this to happen.  The tumour is pressing against my kidney, it's ruining the business there so I have to see a urologist to get a stunt put in to clear the "flow" if you will, so everything is running smoothly.  Next, an MRI which will show her a better picture again, of my pelvis.  You'd think she'd be tired of my pelvis by now, no?

Her radiation plan is this:  25 days of Radiation, 5 days a week, with weekends to recover.  Radiation will make me tired, it will also burn my skin and leave me sore.  There is also internal radiation therapy, where I will be (thankfully) put under and radiation will be blasted, ummm internally.  She also mentioned that I would be given some chemotherapy that would make the radiation work "better".  She said that this is a very aggressive treatment plan and it would be very difficult. I have no doubt that it will be, given the alternative I guess I'm going to rock this shit out.

I was given opportunity to ask questions, but after being told all that....I'd sound like gumby if I said anything. I was told stage, but that further staging needed to be done, so I am not comfortable talking about that just yet.

I've been told to wait for phone calls and appointment times......




ps: i think i turned on the comments section so anyone can leave a comment without having a google account...so please, leave comments if you like :)

"The day" ....part 1

I woke up this morning with my blackberry in my hand....nice.  I fell asleep reading creepy stories from people on "Thought Catalogue"....they obviously didn't scare me, I have enough to fear thank you very much.

I was glad I slept.  I did not sleep at all Sunday night, by 6am Monday morning I was a wreck.  I thought if this was how I was going to spend the time between now and the appointment, I was in for a rough ride.  I only napped a little on Monday, visited with Hayley who thankfully came over and kept me company, and then I went to bed, really really hoping I would sleep, and I did.

I'm sitting at my mom's waiting to go.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to talk about free parking or the best route to get there.  I want to be home when Sophie gets home from school today.  She was with her dad this weekend, which means this will be the first time I see her since Saturday.  That's far too long for this mama bear.  After her weekends, our hugs are extra long, and I take in her sweet smell just a bit longer.  This appointment gets in the way of that.  Of course I will still hug her when I get home, but I can't help but wonder if there will be something I will know, that may make me want to hug her harder, or pick her up and swing her around in the air.

The clock is ticking, my mom and I are both doing something to keep ourselves busy.....but we both keep watching the time.

I want to thank you, thank you....

I have always been someone who believes that you can never say "Thank you" enough.  It's so important to acknowledge those who have thought of you, gifted you, and helped you.  It's such a thrill for me to send a card in the mail these days, I love doing that.  One of my favourite things to do is shop for cards, not ones with sayings, but the beautiful artsy cards.  I am never without a choice at home, I love to pick out the perfect card and write a short note. It really does give me great joy....corny, but true.

Then, there are opportunities such as this.  An open book if you will, of my thoughts and my lists and my fears....but, the best part about this, is that I can share with you those that I wish to thank now, and I can tell you why.

I've been sick for quite some time, it's not been easy on my children or on the rest of my family.  My mom has been there for all of us when we needed her, without hesitation.  She's been a sitter for Sophie, a chauffeur for all of us, she's been our chef, business manager and she's been our cruise director.  Without my mom,  I can honestly say I would be in worse shape if she wasn't there to help me stay afloat, and remind me that I can "do it".  Whatever new curve ball was thrown my way, and believe me, there have been alot (alot!), she has listened to my tears, acknowledged my fears but never let me give up.  She is an incredible woman, and I am so glad I am able to share how much she has helped me and my little family.

Now, with this diagnosis, I will need her even more.  I wish it wasn't that way, but I am thankful already that my mom will be there for me and the kids, I couldn't ask for better.  Thanks mom, I love you.

I have 3 awesome children, Jesse and Hayley are 19 and Sophie is 8.  They are what keeps me going, they are what I think about when I am staring at the pills in the stupid pill bottles, they are why I am going to bust thru the Cancer Clinic doors on Tuesday and announce that I am there to tame and beat the Panda.

Jesse, Hayley and Sophie...I cannot even begin to describe how much I love you guys.  Everyday, each one of you gives me reason to smile, yes, even after I frown when "someone" eats all the food in the fridge, or when "someone" takes all my expensive make-up, and even when "someone" eats cheezies for breakfast tries to cover it up...badly I might add.....I still smile, and I thank you for that.

I cannot forget to mention my wonderful sister.  She's been away for so many years teaching in Egypt and the UAE, she's finally back and living close.  More so, she has just blessed our family with a baby girl Oluchi, and I cannot tell you how much I love that little one!  My sister has also helped me at home when I have been in the hospital, and has been there for my children.  She has sat with me thru my grumpy times, and she still loves me...that's patience!  Thanks to my wonderful sister Kate, I love you.

Lastly, Lee, Wendy, Janet, Geeta and Tegan....thank you.  I didn't know I was going to write this, until I started to write, so I don't have anyones permission to write about my relationships.  Please know, these wonderful people are great friends, if not more.

I cannot thank everyone enough for your support, I was overwhelmed by everyones comments on FB.  I am usually a very private person, so, this was difficult for me.  I think it's important tho, to share what it's like....some posts will be hard to write, some may be hard to read, but I am thankful that you will be on this journey with me.  Your support gives me strength and it gives me reason to keep going.

Thank you, everyone..I thank you.

The phone call...

I've heard from the Cancer Agency, I have an appointment next Tuesday.  I am going to meet with a Radiologist Oncologist as well as a Surgeon.

That was the call I was waiting for.  I didn't want that call.  Well of course I did, I needed it to happen, it was hell waiting.  It means that these two people have studied my CT scan and studied my Bone Scan, and talked about a plan, about whats going on in my body.  Am I happy about that?  Yes.  I sound angry tho.

I guess with the arthritis and fibro I've gotten used to what hurts and why it hurts.  This is a whole new ball game, its bigger then those other words.  When you hear "cancer"  it automatically inflicts some type of feelings upon you, doesn't it?  does to me.

Well, me and the panda are going to meet with the Dr's and get this figured out.  I have things to do.

I'm not sure if its the panda or my other two illness's that are kicking me in the butt these days, but I am sleeping quite a bit.  The panda gives me wicked cramps....for those who know me, this will make them laugh like crazy, but I have often wished for a heating blanket!  This is from me who sleeps with a fan in winter, still wears flip flops, and hardly ever wears a coat.

It's Friday....Tuesday seems like a long ways away, but it will come quickly.  I will stress about it, worry, I will try and do things to take my mind off of it, but to be honest....when someone tells you, you have "cancer"...that's all you think about.

Happy Friday everyone......

Welcome!

Thank you for dropping by and checking in to see what its going to be like when I start to update on what's happening as I go thru the stages of tackling The Panda.

Why The Panda?  No freaking clue....I was asked what my blog was going to be called and that was the first thing that came to mind.  I don't want to keep referring to "cancer', I don't like the word and I consider it an uninvited guest, I also don't want to be rude....I mean I want this to go away, but I have to be nice and optimistic too right?  Panda it is!

I was delivered my diagnosis a week ago, it was weird.  What I know right now is that I have cancer in my uterus, as well as in my cervix.  I am not sure of stage, or if its been caught early, whether there will be surgery or just radiation.  I am waiting for the Oncologist to call, this person has all the answers!!

I decided to set up a blog, so that I can keep my friends and family in the know about what is going on, treatment wise, what my schedule is, even what my feelings are.  I find writing very cathartic, and I am usually at my best when I can write.

Some of you may or may not know that I have been battling with a whole host of difficult health issues since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia four years ago.  I am also divorced from my husband of 21 yrs (I may refer to him from time to time as x).  My children and I are all good, we've moved to a new townhouse and things are great.  Well....until the Panda!

I will have to do some tweaking I imagine once I get this up and running, its been awhile.  I won't be doing anything fancy with this blog, at least I don't think I will but you never know!

So....here we go!