Changes, things stay the same & new beginnings...

I've finally changed back to my Maiden name. Although, on some platforms I've been going by Sarah Russell for awhile, this time it's official. It says so right on my drivers license, right beside my fake weight, exaggerated height and blurry mugshot. I cannot wait to re-new my passport...

The more I shed from my previous life, the better I feel. It gives me strength, I am much happier and I am no longer afraid of what used to worry me. The sad part about all this, is that betrayal, disrespect and lies cut deep, and the wounds are hard to heal. Not so much for myself, but for my kids. Sometimes I wish my arms were longer, to wrap around them tighter so that I could stop the hurt that still comes their way. It shouldn't. It should have stopped a long time ago.

I need my arms, for my own self love too. I'm still trying to get better. I want to be living for my kids weddings, future accomplishments. That is what we should all be looking forward to, regardless of our stations.

I went to see my Dr yesterday, the Oncologist. This was the "big" appointment. I was nervous, resentful, agitated and very tired going into this appointment. Despite the fact that my mood would have rocked any mood ring off my fingers, it was extremely informative, and I can't tell you enough how great my Dr is!

‎As I explained before, there is another mass in my abdomen, specifically in my Omentum . They aren't able to identify it 100%...they have narrowed it down to two lucky winners, and those are: 

a) the mass could be necrotic tissue that is infected and inflamed, apparently this would show up on the scans like a cancer would. It's still trouble regardless, because of infection, and it's location.

Even if it's winner a, they still plan on treating this, as cancer.

 b) it's cancer of the omentum, cancer of the omentum on its own is ok (who says that??), but if it's cancer that has metastasized, that would be the absolute worst news we could get.

Be it lucky winner a or b, the conference of the Dr's is that they feel surgery would be the best option, to get it out, and get it out quick. My mom and I had a small trip planned, we asked if we could schedule the surgery around it, to accommodate our trip. We were told with a very straight face, and a stern tone..."that we should not wait".  The surgery will be difficult, mid-line gut and they may take out affected parts from the old cancer, but I am getting a head of myself.

I meet with the Surgeon this Friday. I will have more info after that.

And onto new beginnings....Congratulations to my wonderful cousin Kelly!! She just got engaged recently, and I am so very very happy for her!!

It's nice to have something to look forward to, and also have a goal to plan.....how is this?

I don't want to bring cancer as my date to her wedding ;)

xo

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