.......and so, I fight on

Two posts ago I wrote about being in Remission. 

The last post I wrote, I was still in remission, but getting a check in with the Dr. to make sure things were all going well after  the chemo had done it's work.

Today, I have cancer. I am no longer in remission.

The tests came back, and they did me no favors. The tumors are back where they originally were.

About two weeks ago, I had had a CT Scan and some blood work done, I was going back to hear the results.‎ I was nervous to hear them, the results, of course, being newly minted into remission, I kinda wanted to stay there.

When my Dr told me the news,  I can't say I was shocked, I was a bit surprised. Even tho I had talked myself into the fact that I might hear it, I wasn't ready. I asked as many questions as my brain could muster.

From there, my Dr was going to take my scans to a team of Dr's. They are made up of Radiologists, Surgeons, other Oncologists, to try to figure out the best plan of attack.

I was very happy to hear that there was still going to be a plan.

I have my appointment today to hear what all the Dr's have come up with.   I've never been nervous before any of my appointments (maybe I have?), but this one has my stomach in knots, diet coke isn't working to make it feel better.

I'm scared.

{later on in the day....}

I have been to see the Dr, the appointment was ok. As it stands right now, there is still no plan. The team of Dr's that met, while each had their own specialty, wanted to help, none of their expertise would make a dent in the bigger picture.

My Dr is taking my case to Vancouver to present to the Dr's there. He is hoping that there may be a clinical trial I can be a part of. If not, then possibly a Dr or two there may have an idea or two on how to treat my re-occurrence.‎ Finally, if none of that pans out, I will be starting chemotherapy in Victoria, probably sometime mid-December.

I don't know what to think about all of this. Part of me is so mad that it came back, other parts of me are sad and this time I do feel the sense of fear....how could I not?

My pain is being handled well, I see a pain management team that helps me focus on where my pain is, how often it occurs and when I should be taking my meds for it. It seems as tho the pain is more so then it was before, regardless, my pain levels are high and that sometimes can put any plans to my day, right out the window.

And so.....I fight on....

xo

s