Believe....in new treatments

I met with my new Oncologist yesterday. He was a nice man. I think you have to be a genuinely nice person when you are in the business of telling people that their lives may be in peril.

He began with telling me that he has been hearing "my story" for quite some time. At the Dr's conferences when they discuss the best options for the patients, this is where he's heard my story. Because the cancer has spread now, in my abdomen, I've got quite the team behind me. I still have the Surgeon, I still have my Radiologist Oncologist, and now I have him. He was very kind to let me know that they were doing their very best for me. That felt...comforting, but did little to ease the discomfort of the conversation I knew was coming.

He explained why the surgery would not benefit me right now.   I could have potentially undergone an extensive operation, weeks of pain with very little gain. The cancer would probably still be lurking. With chemo, the intention is to kill the crazy rogue cells, and tame the cancer that is there now.  

He explained my chemotherapy protocol, I will have it once every 3 weeks. Always one with the latest and greatest, all eyes will be on me as I become the first patient in BC to get the newest and best chemotherapy drugs out there.

He used words like "complicated cancer", and "prolong", and gentle words such as in "while you are in our care". I felt like parts of the conversation I wasn't there, then a loudness would come into my ears and bring me back to him talking. I know I heard everything, but, at times it was sureal.

Once I start chemo, I will have blood tests and scans and this test and that test...not to mention being knocked off my feet with it. The type of chemo isn't supposed to make you nauseous but, everyone is different, so hopefully I don't have too many reactions.

Yes.   I will lose my hair. Yes. I am terrified. Yes. That scares me more then the chemo does. No. I am not afraid to admit that.

I do not have the self esteem to rock a bald head.   I wish I did, but I don't. Sure, there are wigs and scarves, and yes, I will find something that works. I am simply terrified of feeling vulnerable, or that's how I think I will feel. Although, when I see a woman with a scarf or a hat on their head, vulnerable is the last word that comes to my mind. I think of strength, beauty, a warrior. I hope to get there for myself.  

All in all, I am glad we are starting the chemo soon, the waiting is really the hardest part. I start the chemo the week after next. Meanwhile, since my hair is the longest it's ever been...I will be taking secret selfies, I'm sure ;)

Today was my friend Lisa's Celebration of Life. It was a beautiful ceremony, although and of course incredibly sad. Those in attendance represented all of the communities that Lisa was involved in, mostly sports as all three of her children were very talented athletically. Her youngest sons whole baseball team was in attendance. It was a true testament to Lisa, and to her family as well‎.

**Hey Lis...there was standing room only when we said goodbye to you today, I know you would have been bashful about it but you deserved it, you touched a lot of hearts. I hate to tell you this...but someone was at your funeral, and they were wearing white shoes (!)...I know right!!?. Anyways my dear sweet friend, it's not goodbye, it's see you soon, but just not yet. I love you**

‎I have a favourite quote from Maya Angelou;

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel‎"

I would like to thank everyone who has sent me a note, text or email asking how I am or seeing if there is anything you can help with, thank you. Also, thank you to Dawn LB, Laura C, Lisa M, Janet B, Tegan C and Wendy S, I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe that I will do ok with the chemo. 

Bye for now!

xo

s