Did someone say vacation?

I'm on vacation, vacation from the Cancer Clinic, from Doctor's, from scans, tests, blood tests, you name it....i am on vacation!

While I am sure I was counting down the minutes, hours, weeks....I can't believe that I have literally been doing radiation since November. There was a small break over the Christmas holidays, then I went straight into Internal Radiation in Vancouver. The day after I came back from Vancouver, I was scheduled for "boosts" of Radiation, that just ended today.

My Radiologist Oncologist has told me that now, I need to rest. My insides are full of the radiation, and only time will tell what the intended effects will be. Meanwhile, I need to get my groove back. The radiation took a lot out of me. No, let me rephrase that....the radiation was a monster truck, and it ran me over 426000 times. I need to sleep, I need to start eating again, once the nausea goes away of course.

This means I can get in my car and not have to go to the Cancer Clinic. I can go to the mall, or get lost in Sephora...just kidding, I never get lost there ;)

I don't have to see my Dr. until March!

There is however work that still needs to be done. I did share the good news that I had some awesome shrinkage. I am hoping for more when things settle down. My lymph nodes however still have some panda cells in them, and it seems they are quite happy to hang on to them. Good news, they haven't spread anywhere, but we really want the lymph nodes to be free of all the cells they are hanging onto. Also, we will have to see where the tumour has ended up looking like, after all the radiation has done it's job. There can be more surgery, or more treatments once this last treatment plan has ended.

That's a lot to think about, but it's all out of my hands. What I can do is take the advice given to me and treat myself well, rest and get myself back up to fighting shape again.

Hmmm what to do, what to do....

Any suggestions on what I should do on my vacation?

I'm going to write more. Different topics, maybe one about how much I love Dave Grohl (seriously...Dave call me ;)) . or maybe, I should write about books or....

The possibilities are endless....but first, I must rest.

xo

Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences - Sylvia Plath

Holy....what a week!

I felt I needed that quote since this week was chalk full of events. Some good, some not so good....but all worth telling.

This week was my last week of treatments in Vancouver. I was incredibly eager to get them over with. They were a tough go, I had to be away from home, stay in Vancouver alone and have two treatments a week. I had said before these treatments weren't easy, or for the faint of heart, I still mean that. I am put under anesthetic for the first half, and awake for the second half. That's hard on the body, even tho the actual treatment wasn't that long, recovery is. Now that I have finished 5 treatments, I have about 6 weeks recovery time.

Something else snuck up on me this week. Sunday night I started too notice I was having trouble breathing. I tried to slow down a bit, I was doing 90 million things to get everyone ready for the week while I was gone. For some reason, I just couldn't catch my breath. I tried to keep it to myself while I let crazy thoughts circle my head, a new tumour in my lungs? Problems with being put under so much? What if they won't do my last treatments? 

I worked myself up pretty good, I called my mom to let her know I was worried. We decided that once we got to Vancouver we would go to the hospital right away and see the nurses at the clinic.

I had a lousy sleep, and even getting up in the middle of the night (pant, gasp, gasp) I had a hard time catching my breath. I was convinced something terrible was happening.

My mom and I took the ferry to Vancouver, I was managing ok, although clearly I was not myself. My mom went to get herself a coffee and I didn't ask for a diet coke, she knew I wasn't on my game.

When we arrived at the Cancer Agency, I was again out of breath and I just went right to the nurse and announced "I can't breath".....they all know me there, they quickly got me settled, took my stats, called in a respitory therapist and a medical oncologist. I am going to add here, that both Cancer clinics in Victoria and Vancouver are so so so good. There is no waiting, they take very good care of you.

Ok, so back to me gasping and panting in a chair.....the one Dr. sat down right in front of me and said "what are you worrying about?". I'm thinking to myself "what?"...

Sarah: ummm lots of stuff I guess why?

Dr: your stats are fine, your lungs are clear, you don't need oxygen....what I see is worry on your face

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I worry a lot yes....

Dr: I think you have had, and are having again a severe panic attack

Sarah: (gasp..pant...wtf?)

Dr: (he turns to talk to my mom) Mom, is she worrying a lot?

Mom: This has been a long haul, and she's been doing very well (aren't mom's the best!)

Dr: (back to me) well...what are you worrying about?

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I have to make arrangements for my young one to be with my ex when I am here, I don't like being away from my kids, I've done chemo, I've done radiation, I've done this....i have to start radiation again (GASP)....

Dr: I understand this can all be overwhelming, but I am sure your young one is in good hands, and you are in good hands too...

Sarah: umm (gasp, pant, gasp) I wasn't done...

We all laughed. I actually wasn't done but I think he caught my drift. He ended up giving me some anti-anxiety medication and told me I would really have to take it easy over the next couple of days. He was right of course, my breathing really didn't return to normal until about Thursday morning.

It was a scary, strange and eye opening experience. One that I know is telling me I have to chill out, that I am not alone, and that I should talk it out, find my zen, stop bottling it all up. Too many awful things have happened in the last year for me to not get the demons that don't own me, to go away, for good....i really have to work on that.

Ok...lets talk shrinkage!!

My tumour at the beginning of these treatments was just over 6 inches big....now, it is (drum roll please)....less then 3 inches!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!!

While I was in Vancouver, I was lucky enough to visit with some of my wonderful friends who live there...Chris, Kim, Geeta and Gina, the pleasure was all mine, thank you to all of you to come and visit, it made my stay in Vancouver less lonely and full of smiles and laughs with good friends instead.

xo

How can I thank you enough?

She was with me when I got my diagnosis. Hearing those words from a Dr that had zero interest in her delivery, we still kind of giggle about it sometimes. More importantly, she was there.

She heard the same words almost 7 years ago now, for someone she dearly loved. It couldn't have been easy to hear again, and yet ever the trooper, it was ok, everything will be fine, we will beat this.

She's driven miles and miles out of her way, to make sure I have what I need. Picks up my prescriptions, my kids, diet coke, and never ever shows her surprise at how much diet coke I can actually drink!

She makes sure our calendars are sync ed on a weekly basis. Cancer is a full time job, it demands not just my time, but invades other people's spaces without concern. Appointments, scans, blood tests, she is in sync with me.

 

She's put up with my highs and lows, she has listened to my fears, and quietly listened thru my tears.

She? She's my mom, and I can't say it enough, thank you....for everything. I love you

xo

Who's up for a happier post? I know I am!

Although it didn't quote an author, I read a quote that stopped me in my tracks...

"We love to talk about life, as if it gives us an excuse to stop living it"

I've been down in the dumps about my recent treatments. I've been depressed as hell that I've had to come to Vancouver to do them no less.

I've even gone so far as possiblyconsider myself as one note, and maybe not even funny any more?!?

Who am I even to suggest?

Yes, I get lonely in Vancouver on my own. I have visited with friends, Christi and Kim and I find I am not lonely, I am very blessed. Sure, at night. I would love to yell out to my snuggle bug Sophie "I love you but for the millionth time please go to sleep!"

I am thankful that there are options for me to come to Vancouver, and that because there aren't enough OR rooms, I am not waiting, I am being accommodated. Because of this, my treatment, my prognosis and my health is just that much better.

I thought that by writing a "bland" for lack of a better word post about my treatments. I wouldn't have to talk or think about the treatments. More, no one would ask or want to know. To me, they embarrassed me. They are invasive and no bones about it, as un-fun as you could get treatment wise. I am sure there is worse, I know there is. At the time, that was my coping mechanism. In reality, the treatments are doing loads of good, fun or not.

Finally, me....one note,  possibly not funny anymore? What was that about? Boo hoo me for a few days. Sure, and they happen, more frequently then I would like, but they happen. I cry a lot (references available upon request) which is something I never used to do. I'm going to give myself a break on that too....I have had a shitload of stuff go on in the last while, I am going to have good days and bad days, just like everyone else.

I'm still damn funny ;)

xo

s

Am I still me?.....

When I started my blog, my main purpose was to keep everyone in the "know" about what was going on with me, cancer wise. Also, it was going to be my outlet to be "me", to show that I could do this and that I could make a funny story out of even some of the worst situations I would find myself in.

I'm known for my quick wit, sarcasm, and let's face it...I'm kinda funny. I show it in the beginnings of the blog, but lately, as I update my blog, I can feel that I am just one note, I am flat, I write like a robot.  

Am I just one note now? Is all that I am Cancer?

It's what I feel when I first wake, then it's what I think about. It's almost like I don't remember what I did before, or who I was. Has it changed me that much?

I haven't stopped loving those that I love, I haven't stopped caring. The cancer does taunt me tho, if I feel a good day is coming and I make plans to catch up with friends, or run some errands. It rears it's ugliness at me, knocks me down and leaves me helpless for yet another day. Some days I do win, others, I don't. 

I bide my time, mostly sleeping, until my next treatment. Then it's about the treatment, blood tests, nurses, Dr's, procedures, the treatment.

Then, I have to recover from the treatment, I sleep. I take the meds, I am so sick of all the bottles of pills. I sleep more.

I don't really have a lot to say anymore. 


Or do I? 

New Year.....new treatments..

This past week, my mom and I traveled back to Vancouver for my next set of treatments. I am to have 5 treatments over the course of the next 3 weeks.

The real downside is that it is in Vancouver. Away from my family, my kids, my support peeps, my bed.....

We stayed at the Cancer Lodge, which is kitty corner to the Cancer Hospital. It's quite nice, there is a nurse on staff, meals served, volunteer drivers, the rooms are set up for a patient, so all the aides are there if needed. It's quite remarkable, and humbling to stay there. All ages, other then children of course, each patient in their own stage of treatment, having to stay for a long period of time or a short amount.

I have two treatments next week, so I will go over Monday, and stay until Friday. It would be too much to try and come back and forth on the boat, as well as rest up for the next treatment.

I'm a bit hesitant to speak of the treatments, they aren't for the faint of heart. The first part is done while I am under anesthetic, and the other part I am awake for. The treatment itself, takes about 10 minutes, the process itself, takes about 7 hours start to finish.

1 down and 4 to go.

Nothing...

After I finished the last of my 5 weeks of Radiation, I was seriously ecstatic that I didn't have to go back to the cancer clinic everyday, I wouldn't have other appts stacked on top of the other, making it even a longer day....nope, not me. I was done, and I was happy!.

Yet...as my freedom days grew, so did the uneasiness in my gut.   If I'm not at the cancer clinic working away by letting them stick poison in my arm, or shoot laser beams thru my guts, then what is the cancer doing?

While we do nothing?

I only know what I was told, the nodes have shrunk and yes, the tumour has decreased significantly.  I felt more confidant over the panda cells then, more than now.

Because I'm not doing anything. 

Sure, I sound all dramatic and I might be making this a big deal in my head. I don't want the panda cells to grow, or spread. That really scares me. Any new cramp, or pain I get a little more anxious about it. It's an uneasy feeling, it's scary and worse, because I don't want to alarm those close to me, it's a lonely feeling. 

When does the nothing stop?

I do know that I am scheduled for 5 more treatments in Vancouver. I've been waiting for the dates for weeks now. Everyone has been on vacation, so we may literally get a call on Monday that will tell us to be there Tuesday untilThursday night. Or, we might not. We could still be waiting.

These next 5 sessions of internal radiation will be very aggressive, I know this. Even now, when I'm pining over the "nothing" I know the panda cells will runs screaming for their lives when they see what's coming. It's just frustrating to wait. 

After I finished my radiation they warned me that any side effects that I was getting, could get twice as bad two weeks after, so I should be careful and rest. I listened, but I also only really had the nausea, so I kept my rescue pills close.

It was only a few days after I was done, when,  like a wrecking ball came from nowhere and hit me full on, with all the side effects. Yeesh....gravol did not cut it, I had to pull out the chemo nausea drugs. Fatigue is incredible, sometimes I feel like I am walking with cement on my feet, or my head is full of cement because I just can't lift it off my pillow. The other side effect, I will save you from descriptives, your welcome.

I know the nothing will soon be something, but it's been hard waiting. Cross your fingers we get some dates soon.