No soft landing guarentee....

I was so confidant yesterday. I felt good, I had the day ahead of me. I had been for my radiation appointment early. It was a beautiful sunny day. Nothing was going to stop me.

Except the brick wall I ran into when I got home. Or did the brick wall run into me?

I had let my guard down. I let myself believe that the absolute worst is happening to me right now, it can't get any worse right? Wrong.

Without going into details, or worrying anyone. Things are fine now. Kids are fine. Family is fine.

I guess what I wasn't expecting was another shitty thing to land on my plate.  My plate is full thank you very much. 

There are no answers as to why things happen, and for the most part I think mostly good things happen to people. It just sucks when shitty things happen when someone is already down.

So as for yesterday, I hit the brick wall, hard.  Then, as if I wasn't banged up enough, brick, after brick, after brick fell.

I felt like Wile Coyote under those boulders, finally when I felt safe enough I raised a flag that said help. I'm not going to lie, during yesterday's events I wanted to raise many flags, they are as follows: please stop I have cancer!; I am not Rob Ford!; please please you've hurt me enough!; I want my mommy!

I had a long and sleepless night, I still felt trapped under those boulders.  I had an early radiation appointment in the morning the following day.

Just my luck, Victoria wakes up to freezing weather. I went outside to warm up my car. My locks were frozen. Both sides. My doors were frozen shut. I had no idea what to do. I cried.

I went back into my house and called the clinic to tell them I would be late. I do not have the option of skipping a day, I have to do the radiation everyday. They said they would fit me in when I got there.

Full disclosure, I'm from Saskatchewan. What was I doing outside my car crying in the first place? Why didn't I know what to do? I was still stuck under those boulders, the only person getting me out was me....or the road runner and since I'm going all out honest here, any type of bird terrifies the shit out of me, so the road runner is out.

I finally got into my car, drove to the cancer clinic. I cried the whole way there. Life is unfair. Life can be difficult, just look on Facebook, there are four thousand quotes a day about life, good and bad.

As I lay in the machine, my thoughts raced.

I have three children who need me, and even tho I am a single mom and it's hard work sometimes, my kids need their mom. As much as they need me, I need them too, being stuck under boulders hinders that.

I miss who I was. I miss the work I used to do, the people, my awesome co-workers, even the parking tickets I used to get. I loved my job. Word to the wise, I cant look back I am not going that way.

This is me now. I will have good days, I will have great days, I will have some bad days and I will have some fucking shitty days.

I got out of the machine. I drove home and let the last of the tears come. 

Tonight, I spent the evening quietly removing the boulders, looking out for birds cuz holy shit they freak me out!  

Tomorrow is another day....