I know this much is true...

It's been a difficult 5 or so years.

I lost my father to cancer, losing him devastated me. His everyday presence in my life, now gone, broke me, and I am still grieving his loss.

I read a quote recently, "Grief doesn't change you, it reveals you"

After careful consideration, I believe that to be true.

In the last 2 yrs, several events occurred that ended my 21 year marriage. There has been no accountability from the other half. We both made mistakes, but only one of us admits to it. Not having the relief of hearing an admission or owning his part, makes it seem as if none of my feelings or my part of a being the half of what once was, ever really mattered. 

I became ill‎, and for a long while, I didn't know I was. Everything became a struggle for me. There were many who did not, and chose not to understand. Once I did get the diagnosis, I felt relieved, however, it took a long time for me to understand and accept a diagnosis of a lifetime chronic illness.

The kids and I moved out of our family home. The house where I brought all three of my babies home. After the separation, the house no longer felt like home. Looking back, I have to say it reflected our relationships. Being an older home, it needed constant upkeep, a lot of that stopped. Everyday living was put off for another day, this left piles of papers and mail. Dishes were left out, and then the games started "its not my glass, why should I put it away?!" so it would sit...for 3 days or more.

Moving into this Townhouse was going to be a fresh start. A new school for Sophie, a new neighbourhood, one where even I was surprised that I moved to. I love it here.

I figured it would take some time to settle in, but it felt like home almost immediately.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know.

I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being tired.

Now, with this new diagnosis, it steals time. It will steal time away from me, my kids, my family, from facebook and my blog. I'm being honest....of course I had to say facebook.

It's stealing time away from me, to rediscover who I am. 

Now, I am again left to wonder who I will be after the treatments are over.

Am I to rediscover myself in the meantime? While I am sore, nauseous, angry, sad, scared, fighting?

What will my body be like after radiation has take its toll? And the chemotherapy? And the surgeries?

I wonder who would want me.

I know this much is true, these beautiful faces, these beautiful beings, they are mine and I love them so....

This is why I will fight like hell....