Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences - Sylvia Plath

Holy....what a week!

I felt I needed that quote since this week was chalk full of events. Some good, some not so good....but all worth telling.

This week was my last week of treatments in Vancouver. I was incredibly eager to get them over with. They were a tough go, I had to be away from home, stay in Vancouver alone and have two treatments a week. I had said before these treatments weren't easy, or for the faint of heart, I still mean that. I am put under anesthetic for the first half, and awake for the second half. That's hard on the body, even tho the actual treatment wasn't that long, recovery is. Now that I have finished 5 treatments, I have about 6 weeks recovery time.

Something else snuck up on me this week. Sunday night I started too notice I was having trouble breathing. I tried to slow down a bit, I was doing 90 million things to get everyone ready for the week while I was gone. For some reason, I just couldn't catch my breath. I tried to keep it to myself while I let crazy thoughts circle my head, a new tumour in my lungs? Problems with being put under so much? What if they won't do my last treatments? 

I worked myself up pretty good, I called my mom to let her know I was worried. We decided that once we got to Vancouver we would go to the hospital right away and see the nurses at the clinic.

I had a lousy sleep, and even getting up in the middle of the night (pant, gasp, gasp) I had a hard time catching my breath. I was convinced something terrible was happening.

My mom and I took the ferry to Vancouver, I was managing ok, although clearly I was not myself. My mom went to get herself a coffee and I didn't ask for a diet coke, she knew I wasn't on my game.

When we arrived at the Cancer Agency, I was again out of breath and I just went right to the nurse and announced "I can't breath".....they all know me there, they quickly got me settled, took my stats, called in a respitory therapist and a medical oncologist. I am going to add here, that both Cancer clinics in Victoria and Vancouver are so so so good. There is no waiting, they take very good care of you.

Ok, so back to me gasping and panting in a chair.....the one Dr. sat down right in front of me and said "what are you worrying about?". I'm thinking to myself "what?"...

Sarah: ummm lots of stuff I guess why?

Dr: your stats are fine, your lungs are clear, you don't need oxygen....what I see is worry on your face

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I worry a lot yes....

Dr: I think you have had, and are having again a severe panic attack

Sarah: (gasp..pant...wtf?)

Dr: (he turns to talk to my mom) Mom, is she worrying a lot?

Mom: This has been a long haul, and she's been doing very well (aren't mom's the best!)

Dr: (back to me) well...what are you worrying about?

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I have to make arrangements for my young one to be with my ex when I am here, I don't like being away from my kids, I've done chemo, I've done radiation, I've done this....i have to start radiation again (GASP)....

Dr: I understand this can all be overwhelming, but I am sure your young one is in good hands, and you are in good hands too...

Sarah: umm (gasp, pant, gasp) I wasn't done...

We all laughed. I actually wasn't done but I think he caught my drift. He ended up giving me some anti-anxiety medication and told me I would really have to take it easy over the next couple of days. He was right of course, my breathing really didn't return to normal until about Thursday morning.

It was a scary, strange and eye opening experience. One that I know is telling me I have to chill out, that I am not alone, and that I should talk it out, find my zen, stop bottling it all up. Too many awful things have happened in the last year for me to not get the demons that don't own me, to go away, for good....i really have to work on that.

Ok...lets talk shrinkage!!

My tumour at the beginning of these treatments was just over 6 inches big....now, it is (drum roll please)....less then 3 inches!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!!

While I was in Vancouver, I was lucky enough to visit with some of my wonderful friends who live there...Chris, Kim, Geeta and Gina, the pleasure was all mine, thank you to all of you to come and visit, it made my stay in Vancouver less lonely and full of smiles and laughs with good friends instead.

xo