For real....

I believe I have said this before, I have taken the diagnosis of having "the panda"way better than the diagnosis of the chronic illness that is rheumatoid arthritis and its' ridiculous effects its has had on my life so far.

Let me explain....

I was most likely sick with RA long before I knew I had it.  I wasn't in touch with my health, I was stressed, it was most likely around the time my father fell ill, which was also around the time we were blessed with the surprise of a lifetime, me being pregnant after 10 years of being pretty sure we were done with babies.  Jesse and Hayley were almost 10, they were starting to stay at friends houses on the weekends for sleepovers, we were almost starting to have some cash.  Paying $1000/a month for twins in daycare was a tough haul.  Regardless, we welcomed Sophie Grace after an even more difficult pregnancy with a singleton, then with twins.

I know I was depressed to some degree, but it did get worse.  As my father got sicker the tougher things got.  Things used to be easy for me, then, the smallest things either set me off into moods that no one could stand or I was so overwhelmed at how hard the task at hand was. I cancelled everything, I withdrew. The loss of my father devastated me, naturally.  I was so lost.  No one knew what to do with me, and I know I had people walking on eggshells around me for a long time.  I couldn't snap out of it.  Word on the street was that I couldn't handle the grief, that I had "lost it".

Looking back, I did do ok.  I donated some money to Hospice, where my father had passed away.  I sent a letter along with it.  I received an email back from the foundation thanking me for my donation, but they were also wondering if they could use my letter, or parts of it as part of their fundraising campaign for that year.  I was shocked, and nervous, overwhelmed, and proud cuz it was for for my dad.  So I said sure.  A week later, I got a phone call, would I consider a photo shoot?  The letter was "real", they wanted to show the "real" person behind it.  I balked at that.  I'm way too hard on myself, I had to be majorly talked into that.  At the end of the day, I couldn't not do it, it was for my dad.  We did do the photo shoot, no I won't share the picture or letter today, but I will.  I have a point I have to make before I start to lose some of you to sleep or boredom :)

So much of my struggles around that time, were people, including myself writing me off due to grief.  Part of that is true, but I believe now that I was in the beginnings of RA, possibly in the middle and already due to my pain, I was numb to whatever else was going on.  I've said this before, with RA and Fibro, you never know what the hell is going to hurt....with the panda, I know where it is, I know what it is doing to me and I know what I want to do to it.

Here is my reality.....sit down...maybe grab a drink..

* I have Cancer, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and Eurythromyalgia

* As much as I try and stay positive, I have my down times.  I've cried more often in the last two months, then I have in the last 5 years

* I have had close friends choose to no longer be in my life because of their disbelief in my first diagnosis.

* My children are very easily angered with me, they do not want me to be sick which is understandable.  They more then often do not want to help with chores that I used to do, they would rather see me do them, which would mean I would not be sick.  There is a lot of tears and angry words shared because of this, and it's heartbreaking.  This is not an easy reality to divulge. For them or for me.

* I still have people in my life who are cruel.  I don't understand the cruelty.  The good thing is that I am finding it easier to not care as much, at first, Ive never been so crushed.

* Life is moving very quickly, it doesn't stop.  Those cheesey sayings....they are true.

* The way people love you, can change...whether you have cancer or not.  This hurts and brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it.

* Just because I would never do something to someone else, doesn't mean they won't do it to me....

* Life can be cruel, all of the above are happenings, moments, some feel longer then others, some feel like eternity.....but, the one thing that helps me stay positive is that I am finally starting to learn from these moments, and I can make things better.

* Will I be here next Christmas?


Here's what I need you to do.....for you, not me....but if you do it for me, you will make me proud.

My friends, mothers, young women, women.

Now, men, the ones who love these women, please encourage this with love, not guilt.

Before the end of December encourage everyone you know to make that dreaded phone call, get the stupid pap test over with.  Yes, its 5 minutes....but let me tell you what is worse...

* I have been "bleeding" since April
* I now have a machine that is literally burning the insides of my uterus
* I am nauseous everyday, my nausea power hour is between 11:00 pm - 4:30 am
* The panda cells have wrapped themselves around my "pee tube", I get up at night to go to the washroom between 6-10 times a night, that is on top of the nausea where I don't want to move
* When I lay in the radiation room, I am alone, nude from the waist down.  People can see me from camera's outside the room, they watch me so I don't move
* I am not even done my treatment plan of 5 weeks of radiation and they are already planning more treatment, this is just the beginning
* In the new year, I will have someone put radiation directly into the panda tumour, this is a 5 -6 hour procedure
* The nurses, to the radiation therapists ask you very private questions, and you find yourself talking about what used to be private, it never will be for me again.
* Start getting used to not being private about it, talk about making the appointment, it will nudge someone else to do it....and so on.
* Pick up the phone and make the appointment.
* Its cuz I love you.

I would be a fraud if there wasn't some fun in this post...

Christmas means to me "Love, Actually" season.  It means I can get away with loving Hugh Grant dancing to the Pointer Sisters, thinking its hilarious there is a lobster in a Christmas play and saying "just in cases" and having people not know what I am talking about.....love that one.

xo