Time...

Today is the anniversary of the day my father passed away. I still remember the feelings surrounding that time like it was yesterday, although they aren't as sharp, they don't cut so deep, the sting and pain is there, but it's not as breathtaking as it used to be.

Remembering that time, when he was in Hospice. Knowing he wasn't going to go back home, knowing, but not processing knowing. Seeing him deteriorate, but not seeing. Talking about it, but not saying "those words", he was dying. We were losing him.

This year is much different for me. This year, I have cancer. Cancer stole him from us, took him in such a brutal way. The irony that I basically have the female version of the cancer that he died from, is not lost on me. I struggle with the "why me" today. I haven't this whole time, but today, of all days...

Of course I will say, I will beat it, and I am strong and will kick cancers ass, and I want to...I need too, but I've also seen that cancer takes who it wants, when it wants. Fucking cancer. 

Time helps, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss his voice, or his guidance and advice. Just being in his presence, I miss. I miss him for my kids, I just really miss my dad..

After the I love you's at his bedside, when he could no longer speak, I thanked him. I thanked him for being the best Dad, friend, person in my life, I was so lucky to be a part of him and his life.

Thank you Dad, I love you and miss you every single day...

xo