Happy? Holidays

"Psychology says - tears can represent sadness and pain, it also says tears can often be a sign of joy, while a smile can simply represent pain kept hidden." Unknown

Holidays are tricky. They come with a lot of landmines, well, at least for me they do.

I do enjoy them, I love to try and surprise my kids with something they never thought they would get. Sophie still believes in Santa, which is so sweet. We spent endless amounts of time discussing how he would get into our new place, because we don't have a chimney. Or, what about the houses that left the fire on? Santa could get burned! We ended up deciding that Santa has been doing this for a lot of years, like a lot of years, since he was around when I was a kid ;)....he knows best.

A very large landmine for me, one that I could not avoid was that I did not have Sophie with me on Christmas Day. We all missed Sophie on that day. She has such a wonderful, busy spirit that just makes you laugh and smile. I missed her terribly.

Everyone I am sure have people they miss at Christmas. Family who don't come home, loved ones staying with their own families, it wasn't just me missing someone.

There is another category to missing someone tho....and that's missing someone who is no longer here. That special loved one who passed. Whether it's the first Christmas or the 8th Christmas, trust me, you miss them all the same. It's no secret I am talking about my dad.

This year he was celebrated by all of us, thanks to our mom. We each received a copy of the book he was working on before he passed away. It's called "Growing Pains" and it's about the "Development of Children's Mental Health Services in Saskatchewan". 

 After my dad passed away, my mom and a few of my dad's friends all helped to finish the book, then my mom got it published. Soon it will be available on Amazon. My oldest daughter designed the cover, its exactly as my dad would have wanted it.

I only smiled thru Christmas this year...because, damn...I knew, under that Christmas tree that there wouldn't be a gift that would relieve the ache and worry in my heart, and the pain in my pelvis...

xox


Big thanks go to...

Lisa P for the "going for the gold purse"
Cards from friends all over
Best Wishes from all of you....

Thank you!

Week 5...

I was pretty silent this week. I needed to get thru it and I needed to...hmmm 'focus' is the wrong word, more, I needed to not freak out that something would happen.

It seemed every week, I had a wrench thrown, not in my plans but at my head.  

I like my head, and I like my hair and I stubbornly did not want to wear a helmet this week. 

Sooo....that's my story and I am sticking to it!

I thought I would wrap up these last 5 weeks with things I learnt along the way. I truly am a different person, I had to dig deep to find strength and I surprised myself.

Here goes.....

* be your own patient advocate, listen to yourself, talk to your Dr and be persistent. When you wait in the Dr's office, because we've all waited....its other patients, being their own advocate

* don't be afraid to talk about health issues, be aware of what could harm you

* cancer is a scary disease, it's not a death sentence, trust the Dr's who are there to help....in my case, they have all been above and beyond fantastic

* if you don't like someone elses bad habit, remind with love why it bothers you, not guilt....guilt tripping should be illegal

* never miss an opportunity to say Thank you

* never miss an opportunity to say I love you

* forgive others, more importantly forgive yourself

* toxic friends don't need to be in your life, they take up to much space, in your head and more in your heart....are they worth it?

* Secrets...this is a big one for me...I am adopted and have the best mom and dad in the world. My birthmother married my birthfather and had two more children, these children, and my birthfather want nothing to do with me. I've been heavily encouraged to keep this a secret, not by my family, no ....know what? their loss...completely

* grab a sense of humour

* smile more

* hug often

* I'm going to be here next Christmas

Thank you, all of you, who read my blog, left a comment or sent me a note. Each one I read 100 times, each one I was thankful for.

I started this feeling very alone, but quickly felt everyones presence. I did not feel alone afterwards, it wasn't just me anymore, and I am grateful.

From the bottom of my heart, please accept my heartfelt thanks.

Enjoy the holidays, we are back on treatments to pummel more panda, the beginning of January!

xox

 

 

 

My letter to hospice....

Remember the other day?  I told you I wrote a letter to Hospice after my father passed away.  I said I would share it.

I grew immensly after I wrote this, as a person learning to grieve, as a writer, but also as a person who had found her strength.  Although it still took a long while for me to grow, I am incredibly proud of this letter, it has taken a long time to be able to say this.

This letter was published (with some edits of course) in our paper, along with a picture of me holding a flower from his garden.  It was the Hospice's Fundraisor for that year, and they did well.  Most people remarking on a story about 'real people'.

I hope you like my letter.



January 15, 2008

Sarah Thomson
Victoria, BC V9A 3B2

Victoria Hospice and Palliative Care Foundation
1510 Fort Street
Victoria, BC V8S 5J2


Dear friends at hospice:

Please accept my donation in memory of my father, Dr. Terry Russell; he passed away on February 17, 2007 in hospice.

My father was a kind and gentle man; he is survived by his loving wife, 3 children and 5 grandchildren, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in September of 2004.  His battle was ruthless, painful and heartbreaking.  He was given a short time of reprieve, but not long enough.

My father had surgery in December 2006, he was supposed to be well afterwards, but he wasn’t and it looked like the cancer had won.  He went home early in January, where we thought that we could re-group and perhaps find someway to cure him.  What probably was obvious to others wasn’t to us, we couldn’t lose him this way, and we still wanted him to get better.

When my parents told us that they were going to register with hospice, I resented the idea.  I thought that meant that we were giving up on the fight to save my father.  My thoughts were that hospice was a place where people go to die and at the time, that was an un-bearable contemplation.  I had heard of others that had wonderful things to say about hospice, that it was a caring environment, that there was support there.  I quite honestly couldn’t picture that, how could that be a good place to go?  I pictured in my mind a loud and invasive place.  I thought people would be lined up in the halls screaming and crying, isn’t this what people do when they are faced with losing someone they love and can’t control it?

What I know now is that my father knew he was not going to beat this disease and I like to think that he knew that we, his family, would be taken care of.  My father was supported by the hospice care teams while at home, and then again when he opted to go to hospice five days before he died.

Throughout this past year I have been in debt to your volunteers and your caring counsellors.  I was fortunate enough to have Jacqueline as my counsellor in the early times after my father’s death.  She was a saving grace for me, and the time that was offered to me and subsequently to my siblings and my mother, was, and still is invaluable.

I now can say that my father’s death was peaceful, we were able to be with him in a kind and caring environment. We were given opportunity to say our goodbyes, sit quietly in one of the private rooms on the floor to gather ourselves, or just sit and be with him.

I will give back more to hospice one day, I can’t imagine myself not being a part of such a kind and wonderful place. What I have learned from your volunteers, staff and my father is that hospice is a peaceful place, where real things happen to real people, and whatever happens we are honoured as individuals who will grieve in many different ways, and that grief is a not a terrible thing, it just needs some time and understanding.

Please accept my most sincere gratitude on making what was such a difficult time, become a peaceful one.


Yours sincerely,

Week 4...

Well I made it no secret that week 4 sucked the big one.

Chemo was off the charts pukey this week, and that seemed to set the tone for the week.  I could not catch up to it, to get ahead of it.  That's the trick, get ahead and stay ahead of becoming nauseous.  Just this weekend, I finally was able to sleep well enough where I wasn't being woken up by nausea.

I have about 5 different anti-nausea pills because of the type of chemo they have me on.  They all have a job to do, but the one that works has a side effect that is or can be disturbing.  It makes me tremble, so any part of me, my hands or head or whole body for that matter can be trembling and I won't notice it.  By disturbing I mean, if I don't warn others, they may not know why and can be afraid to ask.  It is normal, and will go away...it's just another side affect.

Thank you to everyone who got where I was going with "for real".  Please, for me and for you...make that phone call.

I also complained about "things' happening.  It's all about life goes on.  I am going to have things happen to me, my kids, good things, great things all the time.  Bring it.  I can and will do this, there has been a lot of poor timing around these parts for a while, whatever, maybe I need to wear a watch.

I have ONE more chemo session, and FIVE more radiation sessions, and then I am done until the New Year. 

Yeaaaaaa Buddddy!

I just need to get thru tomorrow and then the rest of the week should be ok.

Thanks go to...

Wendy for driving and being the best company I could ask for, thank you
Mom, for your care, patience, driving and help here, thank you...oh and patience :)
Lee, chilling me out, cuz you can and do...always
Lisa P, for the daily chuckles
Tegan, for lunch and great visit
Geeta, for the great visit
Facebook, for allowing friends from afar to be able to reach out and touch me, share my story and share their words

(if I forget anyone...I will remember, I promise!!)

How do I look today?

....finally, some good news.

My "nodes" are much smaller.  This makes my Radiation Oncologist happy, so it makes us all happy!

For real....

I believe I have said this before, I have taken the diagnosis of having "the panda"way better than the diagnosis of the chronic illness that is rheumatoid arthritis and its' ridiculous effects its has had on my life so far.

Let me explain....

I was most likely sick with RA long before I knew I had it.  I wasn't in touch with my health, I was stressed, it was most likely around the time my father fell ill, which was also around the time we were blessed with the surprise of a lifetime, me being pregnant after 10 years of being pretty sure we were done with babies.  Jesse and Hayley were almost 10, they were starting to stay at friends houses on the weekends for sleepovers, we were almost starting to have some cash.  Paying $1000/a month for twins in daycare was a tough haul.  Regardless, we welcomed Sophie Grace after an even more difficult pregnancy with a singleton, then with twins.

I know I was depressed to some degree, but it did get worse.  As my father got sicker the tougher things got.  Things used to be easy for me, then, the smallest things either set me off into moods that no one could stand or I was so overwhelmed at how hard the task at hand was. I cancelled everything, I withdrew. The loss of my father devastated me, naturally.  I was so lost.  No one knew what to do with me, and I know I had people walking on eggshells around me for a long time.  I couldn't snap out of it.  Word on the street was that I couldn't handle the grief, that I had "lost it".

Looking back, I did do ok.  I donated some money to Hospice, where my father had passed away.  I sent a letter along with it.  I received an email back from the foundation thanking me for my donation, but they were also wondering if they could use my letter, or parts of it as part of their fundraising campaign for that year.  I was shocked, and nervous, overwhelmed, and proud cuz it was for for my dad.  So I said sure.  A week later, I got a phone call, would I consider a photo shoot?  The letter was "real", they wanted to show the "real" person behind it.  I balked at that.  I'm way too hard on myself, I had to be majorly talked into that.  At the end of the day, I couldn't not do it, it was for my dad.  We did do the photo shoot, no I won't share the picture or letter today, but I will.  I have a point I have to make before I start to lose some of you to sleep or boredom :)

So much of my struggles around that time, were people, including myself writing me off due to grief.  Part of that is true, but I believe now that I was in the beginnings of RA, possibly in the middle and already due to my pain, I was numb to whatever else was going on.  I've said this before, with RA and Fibro, you never know what the hell is going to hurt....with the panda, I know where it is, I know what it is doing to me and I know what I want to do to it.

Here is my reality.....sit down...maybe grab a drink..

* I have Cancer, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and Eurythromyalgia

* As much as I try and stay positive, I have my down times.  I've cried more often in the last two months, then I have in the last 5 years

* I have had close friends choose to no longer be in my life because of their disbelief in my first diagnosis.

* My children are very easily angered with me, they do not want me to be sick which is understandable.  They more then often do not want to help with chores that I used to do, they would rather see me do them, which would mean I would not be sick.  There is a lot of tears and angry words shared because of this, and it's heartbreaking.  This is not an easy reality to divulge. For them or for me.

* I still have people in my life who are cruel.  I don't understand the cruelty.  The good thing is that I am finding it easier to not care as much, at first, Ive never been so crushed.

* Life is moving very quickly, it doesn't stop.  Those cheesey sayings....they are true.

* The way people love you, can change...whether you have cancer or not.  This hurts and brings a tear to my eye every time I think about it.

* Just because I would never do something to someone else, doesn't mean they won't do it to me....

* Life can be cruel, all of the above are happenings, moments, some feel longer then others, some feel like eternity.....but, the one thing that helps me stay positive is that I am finally starting to learn from these moments, and I can make things better.

* Will I be here next Christmas?


Here's what I need you to do.....for you, not me....but if you do it for me, you will make me proud.

My friends, mothers, young women, women.

Now, men, the ones who love these women, please encourage this with love, not guilt.

Before the end of December encourage everyone you know to make that dreaded phone call, get the stupid pap test over with.  Yes, its 5 minutes....but let me tell you what is worse...

* I have been "bleeding" since April
* I now have a machine that is literally burning the insides of my uterus
* I am nauseous everyday, my nausea power hour is between 11:00 pm - 4:30 am
* The panda cells have wrapped themselves around my "pee tube", I get up at night to go to the washroom between 6-10 times a night, that is on top of the nausea where I don't want to move
* When I lay in the radiation room, I am alone, nude from the waist down.  People can see me from camera's outside the room, they watch me so I don't move
* I am not even done my treatment plan of 5 weeks of radiation and they are already planning more treatment, this is just the beginning
* In the new year, I will have someone put radiation directly into the panda tumour, this is a 5 -6 hour procedure
* The nurses, to the radiation therapists ask you very private questions, and you find yourself talking about what used to be private, it never will be for me again.
* Start getting used to not being private about it, talk about making the appointment, it will nudge someone else to do it....and so on.
* Pick up the phone and make the appointment.
* Its cuz I love you.

I would be a fraud if there wasn't some fun in this post...

Christmas means to me "Love, Actually" season.  It means I can get away with loving Hugh Grant dancing to the Pointer Sisters, thinking its hilarious there is a lobster in a Christmas play and saying "just in cases" and having people not know what I am talking about.....love that one.

xo

Week 3...

It didn't start off with the bang that I had hoped for.  There was no bang.....just blah

My friend Wendy drove me to my appointment on Monday, it's chemo day so I will want to always have a ride on that day,  just in case.

I was very tired, croaky voice, and in a"lets just get this over with kid of mood".  Not that I could move fast to hurry up for anything, but you get the gist.  Since last weeks chemo cocktail went without a hitch, I was expecting the same.

But no....never a dull moment.  Every Friday I meet with a nurse for a download.  We go over how I am feeling, does anything hurt more so than usual, how are my feelings, do I want a Big Mac? (jk)....stuff like that.  I must have been playing with my earring or ear, my left ear bugs me sometimes.  I think at times I do have some hearing issues in it, nothing serious, but I do especially get hearing full on loss when the kids are fighting...I mean, doesn't that happen to everyone?

Anyways, the nurse made a note of it, and apparently the type of chemo cocktail they are giving me does actually have the ability to do some nerve damage and make you deaf.  Oh boy.  It was finally figured out that just one dose wouldn't have done it, we decided my ear was itchy (well...it was), and I will take the chemo cocktail today and go for a hearing test on Thursday.  Done, now lets do this!

All of a sudden everyone was looking at me, "umm hi?"...."Sarah are you swaying"?  "Sarah are you ok?"  Sarah can you lay down for a minute?"

I had forgotten how tired I was, it was exhausting just standing there.  Everyone talking, the lights, the questions....I think I almost passed out.  Good thing I was in a hospital!  ..ya...they didn't find that funny either.

So before I could sleep, I had to let them put in my iv to start the drip.  I wanted someone to assure me that I wasn't going to pee my pants.

I woke up two hours later, wow I gotta visit that place more often..(not).  I was done..but I had to go pee first,

Then I was sent down to Radiation.  All the ladies have gotten to know me, I really like them all.  "So I hear you slept thru chemo, good for you"..."Hey...I'm not done yet", I was still tired I was going to try for a few more zzzzz's.  Much harder to do since you are basically balancing on the monkey bars in there.

Ten minutes later...."I can't believe you slept in there you brat!".  I kind of felt like patting myself on my back, however, one of the technicians noticed I had been crying.  I was fine, just so taken aback by how tired I was.

The rest of the week was good.  I am sure the whole world found out that our little town of Victoria got some snow, we had our sunshine too.

This weekend,  I was to catch up on sleep and concentrate on eating things with protein in them.  Ive gotten some good recipes from on the web, but always looking for more.


Thank yous


Kaelee who made me some beautiful handmade earrings which I love
Jan P for the beautiful cards
Barb Rosa for the beautiful cards
Liz for taking Sophie to the Santa Parade and for an afterschool playdate
For the one who used to keep me safe and strong
Wendy and Mom for meals and rides




Word for the week is: Fatigue
 It feels as though you are walking thru cheese......


xox s

 

....a day in the life

wake up - did I even sleep? feels like no...

secretly wish today is the day that someone surprises me at the door....i won't be alone any longer

take my morning meds...new meds for chemo and nausea, old meds for RA and Fibro, and others....then have to put something in my stomach...very.last.thing.i.want.to.do.

i found dark cherry greek yoghurt helps

check my alarm, it must be wrong..shit, it's not.  I check my appts, 3 on the books today...do I shower?  no time, hair up and go...

racing to get dressed....do a kid count 1..2..3...they are all where they should be.  I love them.  Call my mom, put her on speaker phone..hi mom, yes I am fine, no I am not actually, I didn't sleep well, yes I feel pukey....hope you have a good day, I love you...

i am stubborn, i am driving myself today. i want to do as much as i can.  i worry about gas $.

i used to live less then a 10 minute drive from the cancer clinic, now depending on traffic it is anywhere between 25 and a 45 minute drive....who knew?  certainly not i.

got to my appointments today...first with my nutritionist. i continue to lose weight.  to me this is a good thing, to them, it is not.  I need to keep my protein levels up, so that they will continue to let me have my chemo.  I need the chemo to help the radiation break down the panda....

i was so tired....i cried when I was in the radiation room...they clerks are trained to notice everything, they had to ask...i am ok, tired.  Yes they said..."this will be  difficult, this will be hard, this will be over soon"...

i cried all the way home.....

soon...i take all my night time meds, and hope for sleep

then it starts all over, the worry, the guessing, but I am full of love...i couldn't ask for better

Things that I love...

I spent the whole day at the clinic yesterday, it was a long day....

I saw some beautiful things and I saw some sad sights, instead of writing about anything cancer/panda related, I thought I would reflect on how positive my week has been.

I have driven myself to all my radiation appointments.  My friend Wendy drove me in to my chemotherapy appointment on Monday, and mom drove me home, but the rest I have done all by myself.  The dr's had said that by the end of week 2 that I would be well into my fatigue, and nausea and or diarrea would have me at it's helm.  Well knock on wood, it hasn't yet, and I am determined to finish the week off on my own terms.

Enough of that....these are some of the things that I love.

1. My kids. for all their wonderful glory, smiles, laughs and endless amounts of time they want to just chill with me, I love them.

2. Diet Coke.  The fizz, the cold, the je ne sais q'auis...je t'aime

3. Facebook.  For being such a private person, it allowed me to splay myself out like bambi on the ice, share my innermost fears, and have friends from long ago and near and dear support me and cheer me on.  Wow.

4. Nicknames. I love them, most of you close to me has one.  Even I have a few myself.  I think they are a term of endearment.

5. Friends. Great friends, old friends, new friends....you are all important to me, and I love you.

6. Music.  Music can be such a social experience but yet such a personal one.  I like both, but these days I am a picky music person.  I love my new picky tunes.

7. Smiling.  I lost mine for awhile.  It wasn't worth it, I feel like I gave it away at the wrong time.  Not this time.  I am using my smile, to be positive, to not let this panda beat me, and to let others know, that I am ok....because I am :)

8. Laughing. A baby's giggle.  An inside joke, a silly joke you just can't stop thinking about.

9. Love. No matter the kind, even when it hurts, it is all around.  Love is all you need.

10. Writing.  This.

Week 2...

This week started with a Chemo Cocktail.  I only do Chemotherapy once a week with the treatment routine I am on.  The reason I am doing the chemotherapy is to weaken the cells so that the radiation can kill them easier and faster....go chemo.

I was quite nervous.  I had taken my pre-chemo anti-nauseant meds before I left the house.  I had a great nurse who took a lot of time explaining what was happening, and what she was going to do.  Nothing really surprised me, I've been poked and prodded so much these days there really isn't anything I haven't seen. 

They first hydrate you, I was given potassium and some other stuff....I was paying attention, but I also was really concentrating on my stomach, I didn't want to be nauseous.  I know, I could have been making myself be sick....but I was good.

Chemo went in, and I was fine. I actually think that I fell asleep.  I don't think I mentioned you get some super comfy chairs that you get to lay back in.

I wasn't there long.  Although, as the room filled up, some people were going to be there for up to 6 hours.

Off I went to Radiation, and then I was done.  It seems like it was a short time, but I was at the clinic for close to 6 hours myself.  My mom drove me home, she had dinner ready but I was ready to eat.  Jesse and Sophie were...no surprise there :)  I slept for about four hours, then had something a little later.

All in all, week 2 started out ok.

Thank you again to everyone for you support

xox s

Thats what friends are for....

What a wonderful weekend!

Towards the end of the week, I was really starting to feel nauseous at a certain time at night.  I could feel the fatigue drag at some of my steps.  My last radiation appointment was early Friday morning, I had to get thru that, then get home in time for when Jacquie and Jodi arrived from the Coho.

It was so nice to see them both!  Jacquie and I get to see each other about every 5 years.  In the past 7, we have both lost a beloved parent to Cancer, so this weekend was especially important for both of us to see each other.

Like usual, after the hugs we slid into our easy friendship ways.  Getting comfy and filling each other in, this doesn't last too long since we already know.  Sophie was in her element, every time "girl weekend" was mentioned, she lit up and went to get makeup, or went to get nail polish.  I wasn't up to the nail polish because of the smells, but Jacqui and Jodi were!

Then came the make up, Sophie is a pro at putting on makeup, she had those two dolled up in no time.

It was an easy and wonderful weekend.  One that went too fast.  Jacquie made me a blanket, one side had the teal "Ribbon of hope" and the other side is a beautiful teal.  Its so soft and cozy, its all I need on my bed to sleep with.  Jodi brought me a gorgeous scarf which I have worn to the clinic both days this week.

They were wonderful guests, they let me sleep if I needed it, they made dinners and breakfasts.  My kids were here to laugh and have fun with them, and they all had a ton of fun.

Jacquie and Jodi....my house sparkled just a little less when we woke up and you two were gone on Sunday morning.  Your visit was a wonderful reminder, that no matter the miles, the trials in life, friends are never far apart.

xox s

Week 1 in the books...

Despite some very personal affronts and disappointments from others, that, I gave myself a day to wallow in, this week has not been as bad as I thought it would be.

I know that I wrote and shared my inner most thoughts, but I wouldn't be true to myself or others if I let on it was all sunshine and roses, because it's not.  

Regular life does not stop when you have to undergo drastic measures to save your own life.

People will still be assholes, great people will still be great....life goes on...

It's not been that bad of a week. Radiation has been a bit of a grind. Only the last two days I have started to feel nauseous after the treatment. Now, I will start taking a gravol before I go, that will help. I am noticing a bit of fatigue, but not that much yet.

I had to meet with the Nutritionist at the clinic yesterday. I have lost weight since my diagnosis and they want to keep an eye on that. I was thankful for some tips on what may come, once the radiation starts to wear the rest of my body down. I thought I should also confess my Diet Coke addiction....which prompted her to confess her Diet Pepsi addiction!!!

This resulted in the ultimate stare down, she let me win, but probably cuz I have cancer ;).

Thankfully she didn't tell me to stop (hear that everyone), she told me to substitute every other one with a club soda or a Perrier if I could. The last thing they want is for me to be stressed during treatment, so quitting anything isn't recommended at all.

Me and all my other bad habits cheered silently.

I finally got to get my hair done, yay!

I met my wonderful friend Tegan for lunch.

Then on a whim, before I went for radiation yesterday I visited some of my old friends from work!

I didn't have a lot of time, but what a great feeling that was. Grabbing hugs, sharing smiles and just being in the same company with them again was a great feeling. Having their support means the world to me, it was just what I needed to get me through the rest of the week. Thanks guys....it was so nice to see each and every one of you.

This weekend, my girlfriend Jacqui and her sister Jodi are coming up from Seattle. We are going to have a wonderful girlie weekend. I know we will have a ton of laughs and good times, and I can't wait.

Thank you everyone for sticking by me this week. Sadly it was more difficult on a personal level then it was on a cancer level, but that's how the cookie crumbles....

Jesse, Hayley and Sophie - I love you, I love you, I love you...

LD...I did it pooper, so can you ;) ... I love you

Mom, thank you for being the best mom in the whole entire world, I simply could not do this without you.  I love you!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful sister Kate...I love you xox

Have a great weekend everyone!

xo s

No soft landing guarentee....

I was so confidant yesterday. I felt good, I had the day ahead of me. I had been for my radiation appointment early. It was a beautiful sunny day. Nothing was going to stop me.

Except the brick wall I ran into when I got home. Or did the brick wall run into me?

I had let my guard down. I let myself believe that the absolute worst is happening to me right now, it can't get any worse right? Wrong.

Without going into details, or worrying anyone. Things are fine now. Kids are fine. Family is fine.

I guess what I wasn't expecting was another shitty thing to land on my plate.  My plate is full thank you very much. 

There are no answers as to why things happen, and for the most part I think mostly good things happen to people. It just sucks when shitty things happen when someone is already down.

So as for yesterday, I hit the brick wall, hard.  Then, as if I wasn't banged up enough, brick, after brick, after brick fell.

I felt like Wile Coyote under those boulders, finally when I felt safe enough I raised a flag that said help. I'm not going to lie, during yesterday's events I wanted to raise many flags, they are as follows: please stop I have cancer!; I am not Rob Ford!; please please you've hurt me enough!; I want my mommy!

I had a long and sleepless night, I still felt trapped under those boulders.  I had an early radiation appointment in the morning the following day.

Just my luck, Victoria wakes up to freezing weather. I went outside to warm up my car. My locks were frozen. Both sides. My doors were frozen shut. I had no idea what to do. I cried.

I went back into my house and called the clinic to tell them I would be late. I do not have the option of skipping a day, I have to do the radiation everyday. They said they would fit me in when I got there.

Full disclosure, I'm from Saskatchewan. What was I doing outside my car crying in the first place? Why didn't I know what to do? I was still stuck under those boulders, the only person getting me out was me....or the road runner and since I'm going all out honest here, any type of bird terrifies the shit out of me, so the road runner is out.

I finally got into my car, drove to the cancer clinic. I cried the whole way there. Life is unfair. Life can be difficult, just look on Facebook, there are four thousand quotes a day about life, good and bad.

As I lay in the machine, my thoughts raced.

I have three children who need me, and even tho I am a single mom and it's hard work sometimes, my kids need their mom. As much as they need me, I need them too, being stuck under boulders hinders that.

I miss who I was. I miss the work I used to do, the people, my awesome co-workers, even the parking tickets I used to get. I loved my job. Word to the wise, I cant look back I am not going that way.

This is me now. I will have good days, I will have great days, I will have some bad days and I will have some fucking shitty days.

I got out of the machine. I drove home and let the last of the tears come. 

Tonight, I spent the evening quietly removing the boulders, looking out for birds cuz holy shit they freak me out!  

Tomorrow is another day....

Doctor Doctor....

I'm two radiation treatments down...only 23 more to go. So far no reactions yet, I do feel some burning on my lower back. Kind of like when you stayed 5 minutes too long in the tanning bed. I am putting the recommended cream on, and hoping for the best.

I was told to watch for nausea and diarrhea, those would be my two main concerns. The super sonic panda beams are covering a lot of ground. It's not only shrinking the tumour, it's also ensuring that no new panda cells are being made. Something like that...

Long story short, it's laying it thick on my stomach, as well as my pelvis. I can only hope for good anti-nausea meds.

One thing I haven't  talked much about are my Dr's. They are all women, mostly young and all incredibly bright and well spoken. Honestly, given the territory they are working with I am incredibly thankful they are women. 

More so, it's a tough and impressive field of medicine. Each Dr has a very precise role in my treatment, they have to work independently as well as seamlessly. When it came to my radiation planning, there were no less then 3 Dr's putting there heads together. They plotted each step.

I don't know if I followed up by mentioning that I met with the Dr in Vancouver who will be doing the next set of treatments. Yes....there are more, and no...no, I can't even talk about it yet.

The Dr in Vancouver is a woman as well, she came in dressed to the nines in chic street fashion, topped with Dior glasses.

Yes...I. don't want to talk about the treatments in Vancouver that badly...I am talking fashion on my cancer blog ;).

All in all, I am in really good care. I have plenty of support at the Cancer Clinic and from each one of my Dr's. My mom and I joke that the clinic put a homing device on me, it's like they know I am in the building as soon as I walk in. Someone is always coming by to check on me, or wants me to go get a blood requisition, or has a question to ask, it's kind of remarkable actually.

I remember in my first few notes, I was angry and resentful because I had to be there. I don't feel that way now.  I know why I am there, I am determined to do and be my best while I am there....I don't want to go back once I am done, that's why.

Let's get this party started..

I am happy to say that I do have a start date for my radiation, it's Monday. As in, this Monday. Like in 2 sleeps.

I've noticed a change in myself. 

Being sick with RA and Fibro can be excruciatingly painful, not only in body but in mind as well. It's so fucking frustrating. You can literally go to bed and not know what will be hurting the next day, or what limb will be feeling "asleep", or whether I will sleep all day. It just gets to be so defeating.

Now with the panda cells, I know exactly what needs to be done to get well. This isn't a chronic illness, it's a threat to all the cells in my body that are well. There is a cure, there is a plan, there aren't any guessing games.

The change I've noticed in myself is that I have found my confidence. Generally speaking, and previous to my current health issues....when it came to my health, I did not use it, I naively placed myself into the care of someone else and said here, fix me. That got me nowhere, other than placed on medications that were not helpful to me at all. 

Now, I am fully in tune with what is happening and where and why. There won't be a question I won't ask, there won't be a second opinion I won't seek. I have to be confidant and know what is happening in and to my body. That panda tumour has to shrink. 

 

What a lesson this will be once this is over, perhaps I will finally find a new way to live with the RA and Fibro.

I don't want to leave you with the impression that I slogged thru these past years not caring. It's just that with RA and Fibro there is not a lot that you can do. Often Dr's throw too many meds at patients, sometimes not enough. Sometimes the RA is even hiding more illnesses because it's an autoimmune disease that affects the whole body all the time. It's exhausting just to talk about...let alone having it.

Back to the party!

It starts Monday....I have no idea what to wear! what are you going to wear?

xo s

Stage...

I have been reluctant to talk about the stage.  It can be a scary thing to hear. It can be a scary thing to talk about.

We've all heard the stories.  "So and so was diagnosed with Stage # and was gone in two months"....

Perhaps it's even happened to a family member, someone who is close to us.  There was nothing that anyone could do, except to watch helplessly as their loved one was stolen.

The stage is an adequate description for the Dr's on how far advanced the cancer is, where is it, it's growth pattern and it's typical behaviour.

I have Stage 3b Cervical Cancer.

I have attached a diagram so you know exactly what it looks like.

Guys, please don't look away....it's important for you to know this too.

This is what my panda cells look like.

On Wednesday, I am having a small surgery to have a stent put into place to keep the ureter open.  My kidney will need all the help it can get with the radiation and chemotherapy, so having things run smoothly will help the dude out.

Tomorrow, Tuesday my mom and I are going back to Vancouver to the cancer clinic.  We are going for some appointments to learn about the treatments I will be getting once I finish the chemotherapy and radiation.  They are nothing if not organized and thoughtful these wonderful people at the Cancer Clinics.

I am not sure when I will post next, but I will before the end of the week.

I have Stage 3b cervical cancer.

There.

...I said it out loud.

Sometimes I forget....

For the most part, since my diagnosis, the word, the pain, the fear has weighed heavily on me.  There are times that I do forget, forget the word, the pain and the worry and go about my day.

I had a busy day today. Errands to run, birthday parties to drop off and pick up Sophie from. Of course we had the grab the present before dash, wrap in the car frenzy that I am sure some of you know what I mean. I dropped Sophie off, the mother met me at the door, thankfully, because I had Hayley to run home.

When I returned to the party, it was the usual. A gaggle of sugar loaded kids screaming and having a blast. A group of parents, who, if lucky knew each other, if not stood awkwardly waiting and hoping their kid would listen when it was time to go.  

I noticed three mom's, who must have stayed at the party, and probably knew the birthday girls mom better then I did. They were very kind to me, would I like a chair? Did I need a drink? They smiled my way often, and I smiled back. I noticed not every parent was getting this special treatment, and that's when it hit me....they knew, and I forgot.

My stomach did a flip, and returned to the same queasy uneasy feeling that has been my constant companion since my diagnosis.  I still returned the smiles, although I have to admit, mine weren't as big or as confidant as before.

I have cancer and they don't. Whether they were thinking that or not, I was.  

I forgot.

After the birthday party, I still had a few more errands to run. Thankfully Sophie was lovely as usual and we left the party on time. I love her.

I had to pick up the prescriptions for when I start the treatments. It's getting closer, even tho the dates aren't set, they will be soon. I need to be prepared.

I use the same pharmacy as I always have, even tho I have moved, these guys have treated me well. I grabbed my new prescriptions. They were all heavy duty anti-nausea medications. I guess I am going to or hopefully not , feel queasy. Yuk.

As the pharmacist handed me the bag, we exchanged pleasantries as usual. He held the bag tighter, and I looked up and saw tears in his eyes. He told me the whole team was rooting for me.

For a few minutes I had forgotten again. I get all my RA medication from them, so picking up prescriptions is normal. Seeing the pharmacist, well, with such a personal message was another reminder. A kind and thoughtful message of course, I forgot, he knew.

I know that once I start the treatments, I won't be given the chance to forget. The treatments will be difficult. The chemotherapy is at a high volume. The radiation is at a high volume. I will be sicker before I get better, I know this.

We are going for the gold, but even with the gold at the end of the tunnel, I liked it when I forgot.

xo s

I want to acknowledge a wonderful friend Jacqui, I met her in Mexico 17 yrs ago and I am so very lucky to still be able to call her friend to this day. She has endeavoured to send me an upbeat message almost everyday. She has invited me to her home near Seattle, her hand built home by her husband Jeff (he's a cool shit), to recoup and be cared for.  She is coming for a visit in 2 weeks (yay!), and I am so very thankful for her and her support. I love you Jac xo

Let's end this week on an ok note....

Most of the Dr's at the Cancer Clinic are usually quite guarded, they don't usually say too much, which is understandable, but frustrating at times.

I had a Dr this week, who wasn't as guarded.  I have to give it to her, she was running behind, a bit flustered and I had to wait a long time.  I didn't mind, but I knew she was at the end of her day.

She came in and introduced herself.  She was my Oncologist, my medical oncologist.  The one who mixes up the potions for my chemotherapy, the chemotherapy that I will take prior to my radiation every 7 days.  More on that to come...

As she was looking through my file, she was kid of mutterimg to herself....catching up on who I was basically.  After a little while, she found the information she was looking for...

"Ah! I found it...ok, it's cureable we are going for the gold, the 5 weeks will be hell for you, but the good news is that it is cureable" she said

Ummm...what?  Did I finally just get some good news?  I mean, I know I can beat this, but any kind of hope from a white jacket...is better then a cold Sleemans, you know what I am saying??

Let's just break that bad boy down....

"..its cureable"

"we are going for the gold"

And putting it all together......

"Its cureable.....we are going for the gold!"

I will take that, and a beer thank you very much!


Have a happy weekend everyone

xox s

The latest...

This week has not turned out to be the week I was hoping it would be.

Hurry up and wait is the theme.

Good news....results from the PET scan is that no Panda cells have travelled outside the pelvis/belly.

Yay!

Change in treatment news....because the lymph nodes in the pelvis look to be slightly affected, they don't want to take any chances. The team of Dr's have decided to change the "volumes" of my radiation. Basically that means they are turning up the volume on my treatment.  

It went from a very aggressive treatment plan to, an extremely aggressive and very difficult treatment plan. They will know almost right away if I can tolerate this plan. They will look to see if I become nauseous or have diarrhea after the treatment.

It still is the plan to take an oral chemotherapy drug, to enhance the effect the radiation will have on the cells in my pelvis.

They are doing a large area to be safe.  

My kidney has been affected. It does not have any panda cells, but it's not happy being in the same place with all the bad kids. There is a small surgery planned, to help the kidney out.

Once the radiation is over, it's still going to be 5 days a week, for 5 weeks. I will have to go to Vancouver for some further treatments. That's not on the radar yet tho. I need to get thru the radiation.

The panda is advanced and being an asshole. I've dealt with people like that before, I don't think I will have any problem with cells that behave that way ;)

xox

s

I know this much is true...

It's been a difficult 5 or so years.

I lost my father to cancer, losing him devastated me. His everyday presence in my life, now gone, broke me, and I am still grieving his loss.

I read a quote recently, "Grief doesn't change you, it reveals you"

After careful consideration, I believe that to be true.

In the last 2 yrs, several events occurred that ended my 21 year marriage. There has been no accountability from the other half. We both made mistakes, but only one of us admits to it. Not having the relief of hearing an admission or owning his part, makes it seem as if none of my feelings or my part of a being the half of what once was, ever really mattered. 

I became ill‎, and for a long while, I didn't know I was. Everything became a struggle for me. There were many who did not, and chose not to understand. Once I did get the diagnosis, I felt relieved, however, it took a long time for me to understand and accept a diagnosis of a lifetime chronic illness.

The kids and I moved out of our family home. The house where I brought all three of my babies home. After the separation, the house no longer felt like home. Looking back, I have to say it reflected our relationships. Being an older home, it needed constant upkeep, a lot of that stopped. Everyday living was put off for another day, this left piles of papers and mail. Dishes were left out, and then the games started "its not my glass, why should I put it away?!" so it would sit...for 3 days or more.

Moving into this Townhouse was going to be a fresh start. A new school for Sophie, a new neighbourhood, one where even I was surprised that I moved to. I love it here.

I figured it would take some time to settle in, but it felt like home almost immediately.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know.

I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being tired.

Now, with this new diagnosis, it steals time. It will steal time away from me, my kids, my family, from facebook and my blog. I'm being honest....of course I had to say facebook.

It's stealing time away from me, to rediscover who I am. 

Now, I am again left to wonder who I will be after the treatments are over.

Am I to rediscover myself in the meantime? While I am sore, nauseous, angry, sad, scared, fighting?

What will my body be like after radiation has take its toll? And the chemotherapy? And the surgeries?

I wonder who would want me.

I know this much is true, these beautiful faces, these beautiful beings, they are mine and I love them so....

This is why I will fight like hell....

This week...

This week is when everything starts to happen.

Once I get the results from the PET scan, I will be given a more conclusive diagnosis and Stage. As long as there aren't any serious surprises, I think this week should go as planned.

I will be meeting with my Radiologist Oncologist Dr.H, she's really bright, and with it and I like her. We will go over the PET scan results, she has the final say on the treatment plan. If she doesn't think anything needs tweaking, then I believe I am in the queue for my first radiation treatment on Thursday.

Not so fast....they want to make sure you feel, well loved and taken care of.

 

On Wednesday, I see the Medical Oncologist to go over my meds, he will be the one lining up the oral chemotherapy, to be done at the same time as the radiation. This is an aggressive treatment plan, the oral chemo will help the radiation do an even better job.

After that appointment, more love, I will see the Urologist. I've been told that the disease is wrapping itself around one of the tubes coming from my kidney. This is good news because we don't want it to invade or spread to the kidney. They may have to put a Stent in to keep the tube from not getting squished, and that looks like a super unfun thing to get done or talk about so....how about those Red Sox??!!!

After I run screaming from the Urologist appointment, I am going to be interviewed by the Pain Management Team. They are made up of, Dr's, Pharmacists, Nurses and Psychologists who review your meds, review your pain levels and offer from the ground up different levels of coping. Depending on your pain level, there will always be a plan, but with a back up plan. Given the expertise in the groups, I am quite excited to learn what I can, instead of constantly turning to my "bedside table turned pharmacy counter" for something that I "hope" will help.

Sounds like this week is going to be busy, but starting the treatment is also a big step to getting this overwith.

Having a rather slow week was good, because I needed the rest, and I had all the kids home with me. It also was kind of bad, it left me with time, time to let thoughts get in, if the results from the PET scan aren't what we expect. Those moments are the worst, I do not stay there for long, but they can be my reality.

I am again left to wonder, at this time next week, will I know something more distressing then I know now? Will I already start to be feeling the effects of the radiation? 

I can't even remember now, what I was worrying about 2 months ago. Did I need more groceries? Maybe more oil in my car? Or which school picture I should be choosing for Sophie....

Damn...those were so simple

How to post a comment on my blog.... :)

Your comments mean a lot to me, I love reading them, I read them over and over....

I know Google doesn't make it easy to leave a comment, so here is a cheat sheet.

Before you write anything in the comment box, go to where it says Comment As:

Use the drop down menu and click on Anonymous.

Now, you can comment to yours and my hearts content.

Afterwards, you can hit publish. It will make you go through a security check, but after that, your comment is there.

Thank you in advance for your comments. If you have any questions about what I am doing, or if you are curious about something, ask away and I will be happy to answer!

xox s

The PET Scan

I have to be honest, I have had trouble accepting the accolades from everyone, especially the accolades about my bravery and strength.

I don't feel brave, and I don't feel strong. I'm scared. I'm frightened for upcoming appointments, and results. I'm nervous about going to the counsellor tomorrow because I'm afraid I will cry, and not stop.

And then I happened by this quote,

To show your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength - Criss Jami

This is exactly what I am doing, I am sharing my weakness. I am telling you how terrified I am of a 3cm tumour in my body. I am sharing that if that tumour spreads, how much more scared I will be, because my fight, can become ten times harder. The so called "cure", will be that much more difficult for me to endure.

And therein lies the strength, in my thoughts coming out into my words. If I weren't writing them, I know, I would not be saying them.‎ This is where I believe by sharing, via my writing, my strength of humility can shine through. I'm sure we all know my strength of stubbornness by now....

So, thank you everyone for allowing me to share my strengths and weaknesses, it is helping me in a very difficult time.

Anyways, onto the PET scan, or should I say Positron Emission Tomogrophy Scan

My mom and I travelled over to Vancouver on Wednesday, we took the 11 o'clock ferry to make sure we would get over to the mainland in good time, check in at the hotel, and find our way to the hospital without getting lost. I get tired quite easily, so was very thankful we were able to get into our room by 3 and I was able to have a short nap before heading over to the Cancer Agency.

I wasn't at all as nervous as I thought I would be. The day before, I got a fantastic email from two good friends Kim and Greg. They gave me the best and most helpful info to date (thank you Kim and Greg)‎. I knew what to expect when I got there, so I was ok with what the scan was going to be like.

‎Once I got there, I was taken to a room by a nice young assistant. He explained that I would be injected with "sugar dye", not the technical words he used, but close. Basically, cancer lives and grows off sugar, so this test was allowing the cancer cells to "nom nom" on the sugar, while they were taking pictures. While he was explaining it to me, I said "oh, like Pac Man?", judging by the look on this kids face, if I made any further outbursts he was going to bring Security in with him next time.

Once the "sugar dye" was injected, I was to lay still and let it do its work. To move about or "not obey the rules" (what? did he know me?) would be a disservice to me, since my muscles would use up the sugar first, and not the intended cancer cells.  

Personally, I think the cancer cells are getting a lot of attention these days....but, I had to listen to the dude. Before he left the room, he said, "we have a CD list you can choose from", and although Kim had told me, I could send them a playlist. I just was not going to go there, memories of Rob and country music are still dancing around in my head, no thank you. I chose the sounds of silence instead.

I actually don't mind the quiet. I do have three kids! It was nice just laying there. It gave me time to threaten the shit out of the panda cells that were thinking of leaving my pelvis for other places. I also got to think about things I needed to have done around my place for when I start radiation, and,  for when I will not be able to do very much at all. It was nice, I enjoyed my quiet time, it went by quickly.

I was escorted into a room and again was met with a mother ship....holy, what is it with these humongous machines?? I almost asked the kid which Transformer it was....  

I was soon loaded onto a long board and was zipped into the mouth of the Transformer, or, sorry the PET machine. I was in there for an hour. What I didn't know, was that the table can be moved, so they moved the table, up, down, side to side, up and down and....you get it. I was sea sick. It was kinda yucky, but after it was all said and done, it was well after 8 at night and I knew my mom was waiting in the waiting room for me. I just couldn't wait to go.

MRI - check

Bone Scan - check

CT scan - check

PET scan - check

Results, next Monday or Tuesday.

Have a safe and Happy Weekend

xox s

How it started...

This week is a down week, more like the calm before the storm.

I thought I would start from the beginning, as most of you won't know, how this panda came to be. Given the anatomy, I will be careful with my words and not be to TMI for the men who are reading this.‎ Guys, stay with me, it's important for you to know some of this too.

I'm no stranger to the medical system. For the last three to four years I've been battling Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and along with those two biggies, they usually cause smaller problems.‎ Having RA means that my immune system is compromised, it means I, or, well, my body is susceptible to minor infections to major internal infections. For the most part, it's highly unlikely, but every month I have to get get blood work done to check all my levels to make sure nothing is out of whack.

It's not just the disease itself that could cause the problem, it could be one of the 16 meds that I am on that could be the problem. For example, I had a routine blood test and went on about my day, later that afternoon my Dr. called and told me my potassium level was dangerously low. I kind of laughed and said I would go and eat a banana. She got serious and told me to go straight to the ER. Having levels that low, I was at a serious risk for a cardiac arrest. A night in the hospital, pumped full of potassium and drinking it straight (gross, gross, gross), and I was out of there!. The culprit? A blood pressure pill that I had been on for well over a year. It had been slowly chipping away at my potassium, and just by chance they were checking for it that day. 

I guess I wanted to give you some of that background because I don't want what I did happen to you. Let me explain....

I visited my Dr. in May, our visits are always about the meds I am on, do I need more? How is my blood pressure? How is my pain level? And by the time we are done that, our time is usually up. That day, I had to squeeze in another question.

Sarah: I've pretty much had my period since April and it hasn't stopped yet.

Dr. Oh, ok, well that's not good. Let's see how you are in two weeks, and if you are still bleeding we can put you on birth control pills to stop the bleeding.

Appointment Over.

‎Two Weeks Later....

Repeat above about meds, blood pressure‎ and pain level.

Sarah: I'm still umm bleeding, it hasn't stopped. Is there something we can do?

Dr. Oh right! Ok, here is a pack of Birth Control pills, only take the last 7 days of the pills and then the bleeding should stop.

Appointment over.

By this time, it was close to the end of June. I was buying pads in bulk at Costco‎, and I had to sleep on towels so I wouldn't ruin any more sheets. I was really losing a lot of blood.

Next appointment:

Repeat above, meds, blood pressure, pain levels

Sarah: I really need to talk about the bleeding, it's not getting any better, in fact some days it's actually worse.

The Dr. questioned me on some family history, and then said she was going to refer me to a gynaecologist. She also wanted to send me for more blood work to check my iron levels.

Let's see...I have been bleeding since the beginning of April, how do you think my iron levels were?? ya...iron supplements and everyone I knew telling me to each spinach, I got it.

I had a gynaecologist appointment scheduled for September 5th. I believe that was made for me sometime at the end of July, so that was frustrating, having to wait so long. I was tired of all the blood. I had zero energy from being anemic and I was starting to get kind of worried. 

My point about my regular appointments is this. My Dr. saw me as a circle of issues, and they were all to do with the RA and meds and blood pressure and pain. I was pretty comfortable in that circle as well, I wasn't getting any worse. I couldn't imagine feeling worse, so I was very comfortable. My Dr and I,  we forgot to look past the circle, to see what else was up. Not to see what else was wrong, but to make sure, nothing else was wrong. We didn't do that. I didn't ask. The Dr. didn't bring it up. We were both comfortable in my sick circle.

Had I asked or had I been told back in April, that a pap test would be a good idea, just to rule anything out. This cancer, would have been caught early.‎ This cancer, would not be as advanced as it is. This cancer....would not be threatening my life

The MRI

The next morning following my visit to the Cancer Clinic my phone was ringing off the hook. This particular call was from the Vic Gen Hospital, they had an opening for an emergency MRI. Could I come in at 10:30?

Me: oh wow, don't these usually take a year to get an appointment for?

Booking person: Well we are getting you in because you have can...oh..

Me: because I have cancer?

Booking person: yes, sorry can you come in right away?

Holy, I thought I was the only one who couldn't say it.‎ I guess now that I have the big C I have some expedited privileges.  ‎Wait...this is going to be awesome at Costco during the Christmas hours.

I got to the hospital, made my way to Medical Imaging. There were a ton of people in the waiting room. Great I thought, I should have brought something to read. I gave my name at the desk and was preoccupied by putting my health card away in my purse that I just started walking away. She called me back and said I could go right in. 

You know that scene in The Lonely Guy? when Steve Martin goes to eat by himself?  ya...that. I had a million eyes on me as I walked past the throng of people that had been waiting before me. I suddenly felt self conscience, and kinda pissed that I was wearing capri's and hadn't shaved my legs.

I was told to walk down the hallways and follow the orange stripe, wait in the waiting room until someone comes to get me.‎ I sat patiently,waiting nervously for what was next. Suddenly a man with an incredibly deep and loud voice called my name.

Loud voice man: Are you Sarah Thomson?

Me: Yes?

Loud voice man: Are you sure?

He was dressed in all black under armour gear, he must have been from the marines or something, you cannot have a voice like that and not have people obey you, or pee their pants.

He motioned for me to follow him behind some doors, he pointed to a seat, and I sat.

Loud voice man: My name is Rob, I am your technician for the day, do you have any questions so far?

Me: N.n.n.n.o sir?

Rob: You don't have to call me Sir!

Me: *my mouth is moving but I am too afraid to talk so I just look like I have a really awkward smile*

Rob: Are you wearing a bra?

Me: ‎Ummm no? Just a tank top with a bra built in...

I have no idea why I felt I needed to be so descriptive.

He looked like I told him I just ate green eggs and ham.

Rob: I have no idea what you people do with your clothes!

You people? ....he's probably on his fourth wife. 

Rob: Well Sarah, since you are not wearing any metal on your body, we can proceed to the examination room.

I walked into a large, cold room. There, before me, was the mothership. Whatever piece of equipment this was, it was freaking huge. Since Rob had gone in before me, he had opportunity to grab his shammy and stand over yonder and shine that puppy before he fired it up. I shivered at the sight, and not in a good way...at all.

I had to lay on a table that was going to slide me in and out of this machine. Apparently it was going to be loud, and I would need ear phones. These would work for a few reasons.‎ The operator of the machine can communicate with you, by telling you how much longer or make sure if you are ok. And again, the machine is super loud, so they are a must.

Rob:‎ Sarah, would you like to listen to music? I've got everything here, you name it, I've got it. Country, Rock, Top 40....what would you like to hear?

Honestly, I couldn't think. I was about to be squeezed into a huge metal contraption, ‎the hole I was going into was the size of a small cat door. Seriously, what music would you pick?

Rob: Sarah? You aren't saying anything, are you embarrassed to tell us what kind of music you like? 

Who did this guy think he was talking to? Me? Embarrassed about music? Duuuuuude!

Rob: What will it be? Country, Rock....?

It took me everything, and I mean everything not to ask for The Sex Pistols. I decided to go easy on him.

Sarah: Do you have Mumford and Sons?

Robs face fell...

Rob: No, I don't. I do have the Grammy nominee soundtracks tho, they are on there.

I really appreciated that he was trying, but if he put on the Grammy nominee CD there was a good chance I'd be in that machine with a Bieber or a Kanye song....no way, no....just no.

Sarah: Can you just play some classical?

Rob: Sure, but I have some good Country...

Sarah: Rob...no such thing..

Finally, with classical music playing in my ears, I was forwarded into this hole. At first I thought oh no, but I just closed my eyes and hoped that it would pick up a very small amount of panda cells.

I found out the next day, that it picked up more.

Once the test was over, I was free to go. I thanked Rob profusely for his assistance, but I could tell he was still stung by my Country music put down.

When I left that unit, I found a back way out so I didn't have to face the crowd of people that I knew would still be waiting.

I still have one more big test to do and that is the PET scan in Vancouver next week. I've been back to the Cancer Clinic for the radiation planning. I've been set up with the pain management team, and if all goes according to plan, I start the aggressive radiation road to wellness on November 7th.

Happy weekend everyone, please cross your fingers and toes that the PET scan doesn't pick up anymore Panda cells, I already have enough to deal with!!!

xox s

ps..the opinions are solely mine, I didn't use a real name for my technician guy

pss..I hope the comment section is working, I think you either have to have a Google account or you can use the drop down menu and use Anonymous. Either way, please leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

No rest for the wicked...

I was awoken in the middle of the night, by puke. My puke. 

Really Panda? No warning, nothing?

Puking is pretty much my least favourite sport, so I am glad I was half asleep for it. I called for my son to help me, it was kind of everywhere, and I didn't have my glasses, and it scared me. He wasn't at all impressed by his hysterical mother crying about her puke, he cleaned it up, fixed up my bed, and that's all I remember.

The next morning (well, this morning) he told me he was moving out, I don't blame the kid.

So just like I was told, my phone started ringing off the hook. I'm already booked in for a PET scan in Vancouver. My mom and I will travel over there next Wednesday. My appointment is at 6:00 at night, and will take about 2 hours. I'm supposed to fast for 4 hours before that. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess I'm going to be hella grumpy once I get out of that test!

Thankfully‎, my mom suggested we stay the night and plan for a late dinner. I was not going to argue that. Once again, thank you mom!

I also was booked for an MRI. That whole experience, gets a blog unto itself.

This morning the C‎ancer Clinic called with several appointments. One to meet with the Oncologist again. One to do the planning for when they start radiation. This, from what I understand is when I lay on the table that either is or resembles the radiation machine. From their they will graph out and "mark", the points where they are aiming all the kick ass panda beating rays.

‎The "mark" will be small tattoos. I know right? I was waiting for her to say, "you get your choice of" ...but they don't do designs I'm told, just small marks. Anyways, that's the planning phase for my upcoming radiation marathon. ‎

I've got more blood work to do, and an appointment with the Urologist.

I think I need an event coordinator.

When the hell am I going to get my roots done??

The "day"..... part 2 **long and a few words that aren't nice**

I came home from the appointment and hugged Sophie for as long as she would let me....it wasn't long enough.

I got to the Cancer Clinic in good time, registered at the reception desk and received a new patient package.  It was mostly just a questionnaire for the care team, I also received a CD that I was invited to watch and return, and a volunteer offered me a journal, where inside I could track my progress during my visits.

The volunteer took us to a waiting room where it was confirmed which Dr's I would be seeing.  Everyone there was very helpful and kind.  I could feel my nerves start to fray, from fear and from resentment and not necessarily in that order.

Another volunteer called my name, and took us to an examination room.  I continued to fill out the form I was given.  I had gotten thru all the medical stuff, then the family stuff, the mood stuff and then I got to the section that was called "Care Values for Healthcare", it said "Adults talk over their beliefs, values and visits for health care with their close family and friends, as well as their health care providers, in advance, if a time comes when they may not be able to decide for themselves"

Stop this fucking bus, I want to get off.

Even tho I was sitting there with my mom, I suddenly felt wild eyed, I searched the room for something familiar, anything that would give me some comfort that I would be ok.  I suddenly missed my messy kitchen, my bed and my pj's.  I wanted to leave, but really where would I go?.  This place, these rooms, will soon be the norm for me.  Its where I will hear if treatments have worked or not.

Thankfully a knock interrupted my thoughts, 3 women came in. Two Dr's and one med student.  They were here to examine me and to decide whether or not they should do surgery or radiation.  They examined, and examined and examined some more.  The surgeon dropped out.  It was surreal.  The radiologist talked to me, as I was still laying on the examination table and said that she wanted to place a "gold seed" close to where the tumour is, a tumour marker.  It will show up in the scans and will be the measuring stick on how well her treatment of choice is working.  I had a choice, get it done then, or come back.  The gold seed would be inserted by injection, it shouldn't hurt that much. In fact, it didn't hurt at all.  After, I joked, that I got some "bling in me".

After all the exams were done, seed inserted it was time to talk treatment plan. The radiologist was very sure of what we needed to do, although there are still some more tests to get done, she's ready to go.

I still have to get a PET scan, which means I will have to travel to Vancouver to do that.  It will measure minuscule amounts of cancer cells.  The hope is that it is negative.  Cancer of the cervix does have opportunity to spread to the lymph nodes, we do not want this to happen.  The tumour is pressing against my kidney, it's ruining the business there so I have to see a urologist to get a stunt put in to clear the "flow" if you will, so everything is running smoothly.  Next, an MRI which will show her a better picture again, of my pelvis.  You'd think she'd be tired of my pelvis by now, no?

Her radiation plan is this:  25 days of Radiation, 5 days a week, with weekends to recover.  Radiation will make me tired, it will also burn my skin and leave me sore.  There is also internal radiation therapy, where I will be (thankfully) put under and radiation will be blasted, ummm internally.  She also mentioned that I would be given some chemotherapy that would make the radiation work "better".  She said that this is a very aggressive treatment plan and it would be very difficult. I have no doubt that it will be, given the alternative I guess I'm going to rock this shit out.

I was given opportunity to ask questions, but after being told all that....I'd sound like gumby if I said anything. I was told stage, but that further staging needed to be done, so I am not comfortable talking about that just yet.

I've been told to wait for phone calls and appointment times......




ps: i think i turned on the comments section so anyone can leave a comment without having a google account...so please, leave comments if you like :)

"The day" ....part 1

I woke up this morning with my blackberry in my hand....nice.  I fell asleep reading creepy stories from people on "Thought Catalogue"....they obviously didn't scare me, I have enough to fear thank you very much.

I was glad I slept.  I did not sleep at all Sunday night, by 6am Monday morning I was a wreck.  I thought if this was how I was going to spend the time between now and the appointment, I was in for a rough ride.  I only napped a little on Monday, visited with Hayley who thankfully came over and kept me company, and then I went to bed, really really hoping I would sleep, and I did.

I'm sitting at my mom's waiting to go.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to talk about free parking or the best route to get there.  I want to be home when Sophie gets home from school today.  She was with her dad this weekend, which means this will be the first time I see her since Saturday.  That's far too long for this mama bear.  After her weekends, our hugs are extra long, and I take in her sweet smell just a bit longer.  This appointment gets in the way of that.  Of course I will still hug her when I get home, but I can't help but wonder if there will be something I will know, that may make me want to hug her harder, or pick her up and swing her around in the air.

The clock is ticking, my mom and I are both doing something to keep ourselves busy.....but we both keep watching the time.

I want to thank you, thank you....

I have always been someone who believes that you can never say "Thank you" enough.  It's so important to acknowledge those who have thought of you, gifted you, and helped you.  It's such a thrill for me to send a card in the mail these days, I love doing that.  One of my favourite things to do is shop for cards, not ones with sayings, but the beautiful artsy cards.  I am never without a choice at home, I love to pick out the perfect card and write a short note. It really does give me great joy....corny, but true.

Then, there are opportunities such as this.  An open book if you will, of my thoughts and my lists and my fears....but, the best part about this, is that I can share with you those that I wish to thank now, and I can tell you why.

I've been sick for quite some time, it's not been easy on my children or on the rest of my family.  My mom has been there for all of us when we needed her, without hesitation.  She's been a sitter for Sophie, a chauffeur for all of us, she's been our chef, business manager and she's been our cruise director.  Without my mom,  I can honestly say I would be in worse shape if she wasn't there to help me stay afloat, and remind me that I can "do it".  Whatever new curve ball was thrown my way, and believe me, there have been alot (alot!), she has listened to my tears, acknowledged my fears but never let me give up.  She is an incredible woman, and I am so glad I am able to share how much she has helped me and my little family.

Now, with this diagnosis, I will need her even more.  I wish it wasn't that way, but I am thankful already that my mom will be there for me and the kids, I couldn't ask for better.  Thanks mom, I love you.

I have 3 awesome children, Jesse and Hayley are 19 and Sophie is 8.  They are what keeps me going, they are what I think about when I am staring at the pills in the stupid pill bottles, they are why I am going to bust thru the Cancer Clinic doors on Tuesday and announce that I am there to tame and beat the Panda.

Jesse, Hayley and Sophie...I cannot even begin to describe how much I love you guys.  Everyday, each one of you gives me reason to smile, yes, even after I frown when "someone" eats all the food in the fridge, or when "someone" takes all my expensive make-up, and even when "someone" eats cheezies for breakfast tries to cover it up...badly I might add.....I still smile, and I thank you for that.

I cannot forget to mention my wonderful sister.  She's been away for so many years teaching in Egypt and the UAE, she's finally back and living close.  More so, she has just blessed our family with a baby girl Oluchi, and I cannot tell you how much I love that little one!  My sister has also helped me at home when I have been in the hospital, and has been there for my children.  She has sat with me thru my grumpy times, and she still loves me...that's patience!  Thanks to my wonderful sister Kate, I love you.

Lastly, Lee, Wendy, Janet, Geeta and Tegan....thank you.  I didn't know I was going to write this, until I started to write, so I don't have anyones permission to write about my relationships.  Please know, these wonderful people are great friends, if not more.

I cannot thank everyone enough for your support, I was overwhelmed by everyones comments on FB.  I am usually a very private person, so, this was difficult for me.  I think it's important tho, to share what it's like....some posts will be hard to write, some may be hard to read, but I am thankful that you will be on this journey with me.  Your support gives me strength and it gives me reason to keep going.

Thank you, everyone..I thank you.

The phone call...

I've heard from the Cancer Agency, I have an appointment next Tuesday.  I am going to meet with a Radiologist Oncologist as well as a Surgeon.

That was the call I was waiting for.  I didn't want that call.  Well of course I did, I needed it to happen, it was hell waiting.  It means that these two people have studied my CT scan and studied my Bone Scan, and talked about a plan, about whats going on in my body.  Am I happy about that?  Yes.  I sound angry tho.

I guess with the arthritis and fibro I've gotten used to what hurts and why it hurts.  This is a whole new ball game, its bigger then those other words.  When you hear "cancer"  it automatically inflicts some type of feelings upon you, doesn't it?  does to me.

Well, me and the panda are going to meet with the Dr's and get this figured out.  I have things to do.

I'm not sure if its the panda or my other two illness's that are kicking me in the butt these days, but I am sleeping quite a bit.  The panda gives me wicked cramps....for those who know me, this will make them laugh like crazy, but I have often wished for a heating blanket!  This is from me who sleeps with a fan in winter, still wears flip flops, and hardly ever wears a coat.

It's Friday....Tuesday seems like a long ways away, but it will come quickly.  I will stress about it, worry, I will try and do things to take my mind off of it, but to be honest....when someone tells you, you have "cancer"...that's all you think about.

Happy Friday everyone......

Welcome!

Thank you for dropping by and checking in to see what its going to be like when I start to update on what's happening as I go thru the stages of tackling The Panda.

Why The Panda?  No freaking clue....I was asked what my blog was going to be called and that was the first thing that came to mind.  I don't want to keep referring to "cancer', I don't like the word and I consider it an uninvited guest, I also don't want to be rude....I mean I want this to go away, but I have to be nice and optimistic too right?  Panda it is!

I was delivered my diagnosis a week ago, it was weird.  What I know right now is that I have cancer in my uterus, as well as in my cervix.  I am not sure of stage, or if its been caught early, whether there will be surgery or just radiation.  I am waiting for the Oncologist to call, this person has all the answers!!

I decided to set up a blog, so that I can keep my friends and family in the know about what is going on, treatment wise, what my schedule is, even what my feelings are.  I find writing very cathartic, and I am usually at my best when I can write.

Some of you may or may not know that I have been battling with a whole host of difficult health issues since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia four years ago.  I am also divorced from my husband of 21 yrs (I may refer to him from time to time as x).  My children and I are all good, we've moved to a new townhouse and things are great.  Well....until the Panda!

I will have to do some tweaking I imagine once I get this up and running, its been awhile.  I won't be doing anything fancy with this blog, at least I don't think I will but you never know!

So....here we go!