So, lots has happened since the latest post. My beautiful, strong mom, the creater of this blog, passed away April 4th. She did not get to write her last blog like we discussed, so I thought I would.

   By reading even one off her blog posts, you can probably imagine how unbelievably strong she was. She fought as hard as she could for her family. She made things funny, and easy to talk about. Hence 'SarahvsPanda'!

   She was a firecracker. She knew what she wanted, and nothing could stop her. Not two chronic illnesses, and finally The Panda. For years she was in pain, but did her absolute best as a mom. Every single day for as long as I can remember, my sister, brother and I would go into her room the second we were home, to tell her every detail of our day. Sometimes she'd be half asleep, but we'd talk anyways. Because she was our best friend.

   Her decline was fast, one day she seemed very confused. Then she was in Hospice, for a week. She got more and more confused, she quickly lost control of her mind and body. She had a couple moments of clarity, in those few moments she was surrounded by loved ones. And made us laugh. I asked her if she needed anything, and she replied with, "Did you just say suck my di**?!" I defiantly did not! But there was the mom we knew, getting angry with us about our potty mouths. (Wich we learned from her!). Another time is when she woke me up in the middle of the night, yelling to get her a Diet Coke and was extremely insistent on this, no matter the time. Those who knew her well, knows that all she drank was Diet Coke! I never thought I'd miss those calls in the middle of the night...

 The last time I heard her laugh was two days before she died. It was beautiful. I never thought I could miss a quality like that as much as I do.

 She was loved, so so greatly. She went through hell and back in the last couple years. And it's not fair, but this is life. She suffered a long time, but she is now at peace, therefore so are we.

   She wrote to ease her pain, and this blog helped her greatly. Thank you for everyone who took the time to read it, we are so fortunate to have a little peice of Sarah with us forever. When we miss her, we can come back and remember this beautiful, courageous person. And how she touched our lives with her story, and her strength.

New Years "well time".....

Happy New Year everyone, I hope this year brings excitement and joy to all of us.

It seems a bit late to talk about Christmas and New Years holidays, but our family had a great time together over both holidays.

I would rather keep talking about holidays and stuff, but I guess I should address the "panda" in the room.  

I have only one side effect that's left from Chemo. My feet are always tender‎, mostly numb. If I step on the smallest piece of debris, it feels like glass going right into my skin, when really, I've just stepped on the crumbs of a Honey Nut Cheerio.  My toes are especially numb, I constantly have to make sure I haven't broken a toe.

I have been to the Dr twice since my last post. Everything is fine, well except for the tumors of course. To date, they haven't spread.‎ However, both visits I've been told there is no way to get rid of the cancer.

When I was first told we weren't going to do chemo right away, I thought I still had that option, sadly, now I don't, I never did.

My last visit at the Dr's, I was told to enjoy my "well time" for as long as it lasts.

Since the end of November, I've gotten back all my energy, some of my appetite, more importantly, I was well enough to start living again. I still feel this way, and will for as long as I can.

I fear, this may be one of my last or second to last posts about my journey with cancer. Just like some, who don't know what to say, I am finding it harder and harder to talk about. I'm afraid I would make a blog full of things I may not see, or places I will never go. That's not fair to you, or me.

This was a difficult blog to write, because it puts down into words what has only been spoken. This has been hard for me.

Thank you everyone for your love and support, I promise to live on my well time as long as I can.

Happy New Year

xo

s

Its about laughing....

Quote from Sophie:  Mom, your cancer must be gone..you are laughing a lot more!

I've had to write some difficult pieces this year, so I'm making this post the last one of 2014. I know 2015 will bring some new challenges and despite the cancer returning, I am feeling so good these days, I'm going to be ready for them.   I've done all my Christmas shopping, which I am super happy about, and I know my kids will be too.

I did see the Dr to talk about next steps. We basically agreed that since I was feeling good, looking good, getting around on my own, that we are just going to leave things for now. The cancer hasn't shown any indication that it has spread. I'm not being held back by it at all....we decided just to let me be.  When my bloodwork spikes, or I take a turn for the worse, we start chemo again. I'm really happy with this decision. I trust my Dr, and I am just so happy I feel so good these days.

‎I've been guilty of hiding my emotions. I'm very careful not to give anything away. I don't want anyone to know if I am scared or sad, and I'm not sure why. I even hide my emotions from myself. I stopped watching movies, listening to music, and depending....reading. I'm afraid of a trigger, or something to set me off. Now that I've recognized what I've been doing, I will try and let my emotions come out. ‎I'm not sure how this came to be, I'm usually quite open, I mean look at look at the stuff I write on my blog. I just know I would turn off the radio for fear of hearing a song that may remind me of something or someone, or refuse a movie so I'm not watching something that will devastate me, the thought terrifies me. Hey wait....I just shared an emotion!

There is a little excitement around here. My hair is growing back. It's deciding where and when it feels like growing. I have one eyebrow, one eye with eyelashes, and.....black hair coming in.   Yes, you read that right, I said Black. For those who haven't seen me in awhile or for 20 yrs, I've always been dirty blonde or a beautiful bottle blonde. This black hair is puzzling, instead of straight hair, I'm wondering if I will get curls??

This year we are all piling to my mom's for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It will be a bit tricky for Santa to find us, but I am sure he will. My sister and her hubby and my beautiful niece will be there, I'm really looking forward to it. I remember in a post I wrote last year, wondering if I would be here for this Christmas, well here I am, and I have many more Christmas's to celebrate with my family, I will look forward to each one.

I want to thank each and everyone one of you who read my blog, your comments, support and love, for that, I am grateful.

I hope all of you have a Christmas holiday full of happiness and laughter..... I know we will

xo

s

.......and so, I fight on

Two posts ago I wrote about being in Remission. 

The last post I wrote, I was still in remission, but getting a check in with the Dr. to make sure things were all going well after  the chemo had done it's work.

Today, I have cancer. I am no longer in remission.

The tests came back, and they did me no favors. The tumors are back where they originally were.

About two weeks ago, I had had a CT Scan and some blood work done, I was going back to hear the results.‎ I was nervous to hear them, the results, of course, being newly minted into remission, I kinda wanted to stay there.

When my Dr told me the news,  I can't say I was shocked, I was a bit surprised. Even tho I had talked myself into the fact that I might hear it, I wasn't ready. I asked as many questions as my brain could muster.

From there, my Dr was going to take my scans to a team of Dr's. They are made up of Radiologists, Surgeons, other Oncologists, to try to figure out the best plan of attack.

I was very happy to hear that there was still going to be a plan.

I have my appointment today to hear what all the Dr's have come up with.   I've never been nervous before any of my appointments (maybe I have?), but this one has my stomach in knots, diet coke isn't working to make it feel better.

I'm scared.

{later on in the day....}

I have been to see the Dr, the appointment was ok. As it stands right now, there is still no plan. The team of Dr's that met, while each had their own specialty, wanted to help, none of their expertise would make a dent in the bigger picture.

My Dr is taking my case to Vancouver to present to the Dr's there. He is hoping that there may be a clinical trial I can be a part of. If not, then possibly a Dr or two there may have an idea or two on how to treat my re-occurrence.‎ Finally, if none of that pans out, I will be starting chemotherapy in Victoria, probably sometime mid-December.

I don't know what to think about all of this. Part of me is so mad that it came back, other parts of me are sad and this time I do feel the sense of fear....how could I not?

My pain is being handled well, I see a pain management team that helps me focus on where my pain is, how often it occurs and when I should be taking my meds for it. It seems as tho the pain is more so then it was before, regardless, my pain levels are high and that sometimes can put any plans to my day, right out the window.

And so.....I fight on....

xo

s

Remission.....

The word has so many strings attached. When I was told I was in remission,  I still felt well within the clutches of cancer. Maybe it's because I've still got chemo running thru my veins, and wreaking havoc with whatever it can within my body. That said, I don't find remission a comforting world just yet.

‎I'm all for giving the "world of remission" a break, but the real issue isn't the word remission. The important part about the word, is staying in remission.    

In general, as in right now...its been difficult, trying to go back to normal. I'm my own worst critic when I am down, and I am having trouble finding the foot work to bring myself up. I have a CT Scan coming up, as well as a Dr's appointment to go over results...no pressure there!   There really shouldn't be pressure, but for some reason I have let this really bother me.   So...I guess I am saying, I was cool when I had Cancer, but not so cool when I didn't? oh boy...I seriously need to give my head a shake.

I have been doing small things to pamper myself and my body. I treated myself to a wonderful spa day, Wow, I really really loved that. My skin is still soft like a baby's and I glow.   It made me very happy.

All the results I am waiting are coming in by the end of this week. So everyone, please keep your fingers crossed!!

xo

s

Today.....

October 7, 2014

It was a year ago today, that I was delivered the news that I had cancer. It's not like you see in the movies, where a kind Dr sits you down, and with a sad face delivers your fate. No, basically it was "you have cancer". The rest was a bit of a blur, but I remember the Dr wanting to get out of there fast, which she did. My mom and I just stood there for awhile,silent. I sent a text to a friend saying "it's cancer", I still have the screen shot. Then we left.

Soon, I was adopted into the arms of the BC Cancer Agency. I remember one of my first posts where I was not pleased to be there, well of course I wasn't! ..but once there, you are in their care, and I don't mean that lightly. Every single step of the way, no matter what you are there for, you are cared for. My experience was this, the Dr's, nurses, volunteers, chemo nurses, radiation techs, receptionist, pain clinic nurse, they all knew my name and were all gentle and kind. I can tell you first hand, it's so important to have such great people on your team, especially given the circumstances. I was very grateful, still am.

Over the year, I've had 10 chemotherapy sessions‎, 35 radiation treatments, 5 boost - radiation treatments, and 6 braccytherapy sessions (internal radiation). I'm really lucky, because so far I have no visible signs or symptoms from the radiation or chemotherapy. I've had so much blood drawn from my arms that my veins have seized, the only place to get blood from me is from my hands. I've had CT scans, PET scans and MRI's, the CT scans were too many to count.  I've lost all my hair and  I've. lost almost 70 pounds.

Today, my cancer is in remission. I'm not scheduled for any treatments of any kind. I have follow-up appointments so my Dr can keep an eye on me.

Today, I can start the recuperation phase for my mind and body. Although I did say I didn't have any side effects or long lasting symptoms, I still have a long road ahead of me. 

Today, I can finally start to pick up some pieces of my life that got dropped, and I couldn't got back for them.

Today, I'm going to live my life for me and my family, and no one else.....especially cancer.

Chemo - Round 5

I'm writing this at the end of week 5. I'm also writing this on my birthday. I've wondered up until today whether I should place more significance on this day, maybe I should have taken on more of the invites to do something, instead of staying in and waiting for the kids to get home. I feel sorry for myself, the "me" from last year, I didn't know yet, I didn't know about the cancer. I would like to think I'm going to have a great year ahead, but I am cautious to expect that I will.

Chemo didn't leave me bedridden for a week or weeks, in fact, I did pretty good this time. I still am quite weak and slow moving, but that's been me for awhile now. I still have some nausea issues and some other quirky side effects, but all in all, coming back from my 5th chemo wasn that bad. Now...I just have one more to go....

I went on an adventure. My mom and I went to Regina for a book launch. More importantly, my father's book has been published and some of his good friends from where he used to work arranged to have a book launch. He was writing a book on the history of child and youth mental health in Saskatchewan, before he passed away. My mom and our family friend finished the book, edited it and got it published. We are all very proud. If you are interested in the book, it's called "Growing Pains" by Dr. Terry Russell, you can buy it on Amazon.

The book launch was a huge success, it was great to see some old friends of my mom and dad's, and it was really nice to see the hard work, that both my parents put into the book be recognized in such a great way. I'm so proud of both of them.

Regina was where I grew up, I have not been back there in 25 or so years. I had contacted a few friends before I went to see if we could do dinner or visit (thank you Facebook)....and there we were, the three of us, time played no part once we were reunited, it was wonderful. My friends, Lisa and Denise and I talking like we had just seen each other yesterday. I think I smiled thru my whole meal. We basically were the last ones in the restaurant that night, and since we still had catching up to do, we had lunch the next day. I loved it.

Before we got to Regina, we had a layover in Calgary. I knew a friend who worked near, so I thought I would check to see if there was a chance for a visit. I was lucky he said yes, Braden and I had about an hour to ourselves, not nearly enough time to catch up on everything, but it was so amazing to see a dear friend.

When we left Victoria, I felt discouraged almost right away. I was unable to walk any type of distance. I thought that would be the easy part, but I was so wrong. I needed a wheelchair for all the airports we were in. My Supermom pushed me everywhere. I didn't expect that...the wheelchair thing, thank goodness they were there.

I have my last chemo in 2 days. I hope my side effects aren't that bad. You will hear it if they are!

‎Special thanks go to my Supermom, my sister Kate, Laura C, Wendy S

xo

s

**Braden, Lisa, Denise...I am still smiling from our visits, no amount of medication could make me feel as good as I did when I was with you....thank you for the wonderful visits xoxo