Time...

Today is the anniversary of the day my father passed away. I still remember the feelings surrounding that time like it was yesterday, although they aren't as sharp, they don't cut so deep, the sting and pain is there, but it's not as breathtaking as it used to be.

Remembering that time, when he was in Hospice. Knowing he wasn't going to go back home, knowing, but not processing knowing. Seeing him deteriorate, but not seeing. Talking about it, but not saying "those words", he was dying. We were losing him.

This year is much different for me. This year, I have cancer. Cancer stole him from us, took him in such a brutal way. The irony that I basically have the female version of the cancer that he died from, is not lost on me. I struggle with the "why me" today. I haven't this whole time, but today, of all days...

Of course I will say, I will beat it, and I am strong and will kick cancers ass, and I want to...I need too, but I've also seen that cancer takes who it wants, when it wants. Fucking cancer. 

Time helps, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss his voice, or his guidance and advice. Just being in his presence, I miss. I miss him for my kids, I just really miss my dad..

After the I love you's at his bedside, when he could no longer speak, I thanked him. I thanked him for being the best Dad, friend, person in my life, I was so lucky to be a part of him and his life.

Thank you Dad, I love you and miss you every single day...

xo

Wish..

Sophie was filling out a school work piece. It was filled with many questions, such as what is your favorite food, what is your favorite animal....and the biggie..."what is your wish"

Reading that brought tears to my eyes, for many reasons. One other question on her work was "who do you most admire", she wrote "my mom".

For the most part I've tried to keep the worst of this away from Sophie. She has been shuffled from her Nana's (my mom) house, to friends houses when times have been rough. 

When Sophie asks about my cancer, I've always told her the truth. As with my other two children, I've never kept anything from them. You may notice that I also don't talk about the kids very much in my posts. The fact that I don't write about their reactions, or feelings is because it's theirs, and theirs alone. At times, I have asked if I could share things they have said or felt, but only if they feel comfortable.

Sophie doesn't miss a beat, I know she knows what is going on. I know her wish came from her heart, and she sent it to where the tooth fairy lives, where Santa is and where the Easter bunny is hanging out.

She knows when I need a little space when we are at home, but she always wants to be in the same room with me, never can I be out of sight for long. She is such a love, and she is what keeps me smiling day after day.

I don't need an alarm clock...she crawls into bed with me around 4 am every morning to cuddle. She says the cat keeps waking her up....but I know better ;)

Sophie....my wish is the same as yours, I love you

xo

You can call me...sleepy

This was my first week of a break. I am supposed to rest and let the effects of the radiation do its work. Also, rest from the side effects that radiation has had on me.

I was hesitant to go gung ho and make plans, or make lists of all the things I would like to catch up on. I didn't really know what I was going to be up against. My Dr's had all warned me, I would not have energy, to expect nausea, fatigue and that effects will take awhile to go away.

Well hello side effects and sleep. That's what I did....dealt with the nausea, and slept. One day, I slept thru the day and night.

It's been that kind of week. I had my ID ready in case my kids needed reminding who I was....kidding of course, I am glad they are understanding. I do know they would rather see their mom up and about, and it's hard for them to see me like this. They all have their own way to show their silent protest, when they are unhappy with our world the way it is now,  but we talk about it. It's a tough subject, but we need to keep it real....because it is.

Of course I had some waking moments this week,  not far from the back of my mind is my worry about my lymph nodes. I am hoping beyond hope that the radiation will do its job and kill the panda cells right out of there. Also the fact that there is more treatment in my future kinda bums me out. I know dwelling on this for the next month will do me no good, so I try to focus on the positive.

I've come this far. Even tho I have had some terrible side effects, it could have been much much worse. My original tumor has shrunk. I am responding positively to treatment so far. I have fantastic Dr's who are taking very good care of me.

Hopefully next week I will be able to get out more. Someone had a great idea for me, that was to plant a small herb garden. I think that's a great idea, and I will try and do that.

I would like to thank friends and family who help me everyday. Thank you for the cards and messages, they keep my spirits up and always make me smile. I love hearing from people who send me an email or a FB message.

Also, a huge thank you to Randy who offered to take a look at my car and tweak it, put a few bandaids on it to make sure it was safe for me to drive. Thank you Randy!

And a super special thank you to my mom and Aunt Judy  who showed up bright and early this morning, with cleaning supplies in hand. They made my house sparkle while I slept.....what an amazing feeling to wake up to!

Take care everyone

xo

s

Did someone say vacation?

I'm on vacation, vacation from the Cancer Clinic, from Doctor's, from scans, tests, blood tests, you name it....i am on vacation!

While I am sure I was counting down the minutes, hours, weeks....I can't believe that I have literally been doing radiation since November. There was a small break over the Christmas holidays, then I went straight into Internal Radiation in Vancouver. The day after I came back from Vancouver, I was scheduled for "boosts" of Radiation, that just ended today.

My Radiologist Oncologist has told me that now, I need to rest. My insides are full of the radiation, and only time will tell what the intended effects will be. Meanwhile, I need to get my groove back. The radiation took a lot out of me. No, let me rephrase that....the radiation was a monster truck, and it ran me over 426000 times. I need to sleep, I need to start eating again, once the nausea goes away of course.

This means I can get in my car and not have to go to the Cancer Clinic. I can go to the mall, or get lost in Sephora...just kidding, I never get lost there ;)

I don't have to see my Dr. until March!

There is however work that still needs to be done. I did share the good news that I had some awesome shrinkage. I am hoping for more when things settle down. My lymph nodes however still have some panda cells in them, and it seems they are quite happy to hang on to them. Good news, they haven't spread anywhere, but we really want the lymph nodes to be free of all the cells they are hanging onto. Also, we will have to see where the tumour has ended up looking like, after all the radiation has done it's job. There can be more surgery, or more treatments once this last treatment plan has ended.

That's a lot to think about, but it's all out of my hands. What I can do is take the advice given to me and treat myself well, rest and get myself back up to fighting shape again.

Hmmm what to do, what to do....

Any suggestions on what I should do on my vacation?

I'm going to write more. Different topics, maybe one about how much I love Dave Grohl (seriously...Dave call me ;)) . or maybe, I should write about books or....

The possibilities are endless....but first, I must rest.

xo

Let me live, love and say it well in good sentences - Sylvia Plath

Holy....what a week!

I felt I needed that quote since this week was chalk full of events. Some good, some not so good....but all worth telling.

This week was my last week of treatments in Vancouver. I was incredibly eager to get them over with. They were a tough go, I had to be away from home, stay in Vancouver alone and have two treatments a week. I had said before these treatments weren't easy, or for the faint of heart, I still mean that. I am put under anesthetic for the first half, and awake for the second half. That's hard on the body, even tho the actual treatment wasn't that long, recovery is. Now that I have finished 5 treatments, I have about 6 weeks recovery time.

Something else snuck up on me this week. Sunday night I started too notice I was having trouble breathing. I tried to slow down a bit, I was doing 90 million things to get everyone ready for the week while I was gone. For some reason, I just couldn't catch my breath. I tried to keep it to myself while I let crazy thoughts circle my head, a new tumour in my lungs? Problems with being put under so much? What if they won't do my last treatments? 

I worked myself up pretty good, I called my mom to let her know I was worried. We decided that once we got to Vancouver we would go to the hospital right away and see the nurses at the clinic.

I had a lousy sleep, and even getting up in the middle of the night (pant, gasp, gasp) I had a hard time catching my breath. I was convinced something terrible was happening.

My mom and I took the ferry to Vancouver, I was managing ok, although clearly I was not myself. My mom went to get herself a coffee and I didn't ask for a diet coke, she knew I wasn't on my game.

When we arrived at the Cancer Agency, I was again out of breath and I just went right to the nurse and announced "I can't breath".....they all know me there, they quickly got me settled, took my stats, called in a respitory therapist and a medical oncologist. I am going to add here, that both Cancer clinics in Victoria and Vancouver are so so so good. There is no waiting, they take very good care of you.

Ok, so back to me gasping and panting in a chair.....the one Dr. sat down right in front of me and said "what are you worrying about?". I'm thinking to myself "what?"...

Sarah: ummm lots of stuff I guess why?

Dr: your stats are fine, your lungs are clear, you don't need oxygen....what I see is worry on your face

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I worry a lot yes....

Dr: I think you have had, and are having again a severe panic attack

Sarah: (gasp..pant...wtf?)

Dr: (he turns to talk to my mom) Mom, is she worrying a lot?

Mom: This has been a long haul, and she's been doing very well (aren't mom's the best!)

Dr: (back to me) well...what are you worrying about?

Sarah: (gasp, pant..) I have to make arrangements for my young one to be with my ex when I am here, I don't like being away from my kids, I've done chemo, I've done radiation, I've done this....i have to start radiation again (GASP)....

Dr: I understand this can all be overwhelming, but I am sure your young one is in good hands, and you are in good hands too...

Sarah: umm (gasp, pant, gasp) I wasn't done...

We all laughed. I actually wasn't done but I think he caught my drift. He ended up giving me some anti-anxiety medication and told me I would really have to take it easy over the next couple of days. He was right of course, my breathing really didn't return to normal until about Thursday morning.

It was a scary, strange and eye opening experience. One that I know is telling me I have to chill out, that I am not alone, and that I should talk it out, find my zen, stop bottling it all up. Too many awful things have happened in the last year for me to not get the demons that don't own me, to go away, for good....i really have to work on that.

Ok...lets talk shrinkage!!

My tumour at the beginning of these treatments was just over 6 inches big....now, it is (drum roll please)....less then 3 inches!!

Yay! Yay! Yay!!

While I was in Vancouver, I was lucky enough to visit with some of my wonderful friends who live there...Chris, Kim, Geeta and Gina, the pleasure was all mine, thank you to all of you to come and visit, it made my stay in Vancouver less lonely and full of smiles and laughs with good friends instead.

xo

How can I thank you enough?

She was with me when I got my diagnosis. Hearing those words from a Dr that had zero interest in her delivery, we still kind of giggle about it sometimes. More importantly, she was there.

She heard the same words almost 7 years ago now, for someone she dearly loved. It couldn't have been easy to hear again, and yet ever the trooper, it was ok, everything will be fine, we will beat this.

She's driven miles and miles out of her way, to make sure I have what I need. Picks up my prescriptions, my kids, diet coke, and never ever shows her surprise at how much diet coke I can actually drink!

She makes sure our calendars are sync ed on a weekly basis. Cancer is a full time job, it demands not just my time, but invades other people's spaces without concern. Appointments, scans, blood tests, she is in sync with me.

 

She's put up with my highs and lows, she has listened to my fears, and quietly listened thru my tears.

She? She's my mom, and I can't say it enough, thank you....for everything. I love you

xo

Who's up for a happier post? I know I am!

Although it didn't quote an author, I read a quote that stopped me in my tracks...

"We love to talk about life, as if it gives us an excuse to stop living it"

I've been down in the dumps about my recent treatments. I've been depressed as hell that I've had to come to Vancouver to do them no less.

I've even gone so far as possiblyconsider myself as one note, and maybe not even funny any more?!?

Who am I even to suggest?

Yes, I get lonely in Vancouver on my own. I have visited with friends, Christi and Kim and I find I am not lonely, I am very blessed. Sure, at night. I would love to yell out to my snuggle bug Sophie "I love you but for the millionth time please go to sleep!"

I am thankful that there are options for me to come to Vancouver, and that because there aren't enough OR rooms, I am not waiting, I am being accommodated. Because of this, my treatment, my prognosis and my health is just that much better.

I thought that by writing a "bland" for lack of a better word post about my treatments. I wouldn't have to talk or think about the treatments. More, no one would ask or want to know. To me, they embarrassed me. They are invasive and no bones about it, as un-fun as you could get treatment wise. I am sure there is worse, I know there is. At the time, that was my coping mechanism. In reality, the treatments are doing loads of good, fun or not.

Finally, me....one note,  possibly not funny anymore? What was that about? Boo hoo me for a few days. Sure, and they happen, more frequently then I would like, but they happen. I cry a lot (references available upon request) which is something I never used to do. I'm going to give myself a break on that too....I have had a shitload of stuff go on in the last while, I am going to have good days and bad days, just like everyone else.

I'm still damn funny ;)

xo

s