I have the BEST news......

I got a call from my Dr's fill in last Friday evening, regarding the results of my most recent CT Scan. The win is, the tumour on my omentum has shrunk, this is great news!

The not so great news was that he sent me to the ER because the CT Scan also showed that I have blood clots in my lungs. This is a side effect from chemo, it's not great, but treatable. I have to give myself injections in my tummy with blood thinners, until the clots are gone. The good news out of this tho, is that my blood oxygen level is high, and my breathing has not been effected. So, I will poke away at myself until the clots are gone.

Wait...it gets better :)

I had my usual check in on Wednesday before my chemo session that I had yesterday (8 hrs! blech..). I always see a nurse, then my Dr., then the pain clinic if necessary.  

The nurse and I discussed how bad I had it after the last round of chemo, she had some great suggestions, so hopefully I am going to be ok this time and not laid out for a week straight.

Wait, it gets better... :)

Then it was my Dr's turn, I assumed we were going to talk about how much my tumour had shrunk, and then about the blood clots. Instead, we were going to talk about my Tumour Marker. Meaning, thru blood cells, how much active blood cells with cancer are in my body. I was of course apprehensive to hear this news, it can be a daunting number...but, I am so glad I did.

In June, before I started chemo, my Tumour Marker was 50, at the end of July.... it was 3.7

Isn't that amazing news!!!!

Our plan now is to finish off the chemo sessions, after yesterday, I only have 2 more to do. I will have a few scans, then I will be set free for a bit.

Thank you all for your positive vibes, and thank you for reading my blog because all your positive comments keep me positive!

Happy Friday everyone!

Thanks as always to my kids and super mom, love you xox

SEE....told you it was good news!!

xox

s

Chemo - Round 3

I'm not even going to pretend that I was able to give chemo a fight this time. I didn't see the first punch coming, it knocked me down for 8 days straight. I'm guessing the more run down your body gets from chemo, the harder it is to come back from it. I can't wait until this is over.

The day it got me was a Sunday, I woke up and felt nauseous and achy, which is normal after chemo. My body did.not.want.to.move.....and from the way it felt when I did move it, I wanted to stay very still. And so I stayed like that for days, no energy, achy, sore, nauseous, sleepy. It was horrible.

 About day 5, I pushed myself to go downstairs. It was very difficult, I felt light headed, but at the same time I didn't feel that my body was strong enough to hold my head.  The whole adventure of going downstairs was exhausting, all I could do was turn around and go right back upstairs. When I got to the staircase..I cried. Hot tears ran down my face. I felt completely defeated and I had a pity party right then and there about....well, everything I guess.   I finally wiped away my tears, pulled on my big girl panties and made the slow trek upstairs.    Then one morning I woke up, and I knew that chemo had released me from its clutches, that I was strong again. I was right.

Suffering from the effects of chemo aren't always as cut and dry as above. I have mouth sores, which make brushing my teeth very painful, day and night. My hair, or whatever you want to call what's left of it is just a mess....i usually wear a touque around the house and when I go out....a touque in this weather. My nose! Holy 50 shades of snot (sorry)....it runs and runs all the time....and at the wierdest tiimes!   Ugggh Chemo!

I am better now. That is all that matters. I've gotten stronger and I know what to expect.

I had a CT scan this week. This scan will tell us whether the chemo is working, and whether the tumour on the omentum has shrunk. I was originally for scheduled for 6 chemo sessions, so if it does look to be working then we keep on with the schedule, if not....then I don't know.

My previous Dr wouldn't let me wait for results, I would either have an appt right away, or I would get a phone call, usually at night. With this new Dr, I don't have any of those things.....yet, I am hoping I still may hear from him by the end of the week.

This has been a very difficult 3 weeks, I think this update reflects that. I would not have gotten thru without my children, Jesse, Hayley and Sophie and my super Mom, and our wonderful friend Dawn. Thank you thank you thank you.

Also, friends who are asking what they can do to help, food is what is working the best, frozen meals or whatever works for you.

More thank yous go to Emma G, Wendy S, Dawn LB, Tegan C, and my super Mom

xoxo

s

Chemo- Round 2

Chemo - .5

Sarah - 1.5

Hair - 1

This time Chemotherapy took a lot from me. I guess that's what it's supposed to do, take all my good and bad cells, and destroy everything in its wake.

I've written parts of this posts at different times, but haven't had the strength to touch on how I felt, about...how I felt.

It's day 11 since I had the chemo, and I finally feel as if I can eat‎, possibly consider a wardrobe change, from tank tops and ladies boxers....to oh you know...."real clothes", I can't even begin to describe my sleep schedule.

For me, so far..the thing about chemo is that it makes you feel so sensitive. Everything feels like‎ the loudest rock concert right in my face. I ask people to speak softly, don't slam doors, tv's need to be turned down (that goes over well), I can't listen to music thru headphones, I can't concentrate enough to read, and that....truly hurts me. I love to read, I read everything,but sadly, right now...all my favorite books are piling up. An audiobook has been suggested, but that goes back to the sensitivity issues.

I do all the writing for this blog on my blackberry. The very idea of pulling out my Mac and having a bright screen staring at me...it just starts to hurt my teeth. In fact, I do everything on my blackberry, it's easy to manoeuvre in a way that if I feel a sensitivity issue coming, I can keep it at bay.

Even when I have mouth sores, I don't have a lot of issues with food. It's the sensitivity to it, the smell, taste, texture...all things to consider when I finally decide to eat. By the time I get thru this crazy list, I'm usually not hungry anymore.  I'm not keen on much these days.

Not the best subject to follow food but....you don't just lose your hair on your head with chemo, you lose hair elsewhere of course, but my biggest pet peeve...is losing my nose hair! hello! Got a tissue? Cuz I need 10. With no nose hair, there is nothing catching the boogers. I have the constant sniffles...like constant. I can't keep enough kleenex near me. It's the little things...

I started to lose my hair the day after my last post. It was exactly 2 weeks to the day of my first chemo, which is when I was told to expect to see some loss.

I was in the shower, it came out in my hands. I was trying to free my hands of it by hanging the bits along the shower wall. I'm going to remind you here, I had hair down to just past my shoulder blades. I'd never had it this long, but I loved it.

I didn't lose a lot in the shower, but my hair was in knots, so brushing out the knots just brushed out more hair. Even after I thought I got it all, I'd find another knot, kind of like a long rastafarian twist. This went on until it was dry, then for the rest of the week you could hear "oh gross mom"...that was someone finding a trail of the hair that just couldn't hang on. There is a lot of hair.

This weekend my dear friend who cut my hair for years came to my rescue. She's helping me transition from the long, to short, to...bald, to wig. She's cut for me now a cute bob that's just below my ears. I don't think it will last as long as I'd  like it to tho, I seem to be losing even more hair now then I was before.

Why so much talk about my hair? I don't know, I thought it was something I was going to be able to do well, be brave, but I am not. I don't feel pretty or strong. When I look in the mirror I see fear and loneliness, but I still see me beating this cancer....so that's something.  So far tho...with all the treatments, meds, needles, nausea...this has been the hardest part.  Sure, I could have shaved it off, but I would have dismissed my feelings, and I can't do that right now.‎ I feel silly about being sad about losing my hair, I know it could be so much worse. This is my journey, I will adapt and win.

It's all a tough process, and I just wrote 3 paragraphs about my hair....well, at least I can back that up by saying I always did have a great lid :)

I went out to the mall today with my girls. Sophie was iffy on me heading out without a hat on or something to cover my head. So I wore one of those beanies.  

The picture to anyone else would have looked like this: a weary mother obviously fighting cancer, shopping. In reality, the picture was this: two girls shopping with their mom,‎ who obviously was fighting cancer...but what you couldn't see?  The fight behind this mothers eyes, because she's not giving up shopping or anything with her girls for nothing. Ever.

Special thanks this month go to: Pieter and Karen V, Janet B, Dawn LB, Shirley M, Emma G, and my super mom xox

xox

s

Chemo - Round 1

Chemo - 0

Sarah - 1

Hair - 1

It's almost two weeks to the day, since I had my first chemo treatment. I have to say I'm feeling ok....

I should start from the beginning.

I received a lot of support since my last post, so thank you every one...it really means a lot.   

Before I started chemo, I was overwhelmed with very dire information...kind of like "oh shit I'm done" kinda info and even tho I was warned not to to do this...I did, I went there...I payed a visit to Dr. Google. It's really one of the worst things you can do, you can't verify the information is that up to date or correct, and really, everyone's cancer case is significantly different. When you have information that isn't great, it's only human to want to find something...anything, to turn it around to make it better. Dr. Google does not do that, if anything, it just makes things much much worse.

 My mom and I now have a deal, we don't visit Dr. Google, it's not worth the heartache. What I did do tho was meet with my Dr. again. I saw him the day before my 1st chemo. I asked him some pretty hard questions. I am glad I did. I felt a million times better, my attitude is back where it should be, and if I haven't said it enough...those Dr's at the cancer clinic are all freaking fantastic.

Onto Chemo....

My friend Wendy picked me up for Chemo, it started at 9:30. I wasn't nervous because I had done it before, I was more...‎in a really good mood. I was happy to get it started, the days spent waiting weren't fun, let's just get this chemo show on the damn road (she said on the first week ha ha).

The chemo room at the cancer clinic is a very large U shaped room.‎ There are about 20 comfy chairs around the perimeter of the room, all spaced a decent amount apart for privacy and room for a guest. Chemotherapy isn't like what it used to be or like the movies show it, no one is lying in agony puking all over the place. In fact, there are many different walks of life, hooked up to their respective IV poles and their magic potions, people either read, sleep or visit with a guest.

Once they hooked me up, they filled me full of hydration fluids‎, then some Benadryl in case I had a reaction to one of the concoctions, and an anti-nauseant. I was going to receive three different types of chemotherapy drugs, not all three could be given at the same time, so bag number 1 was first, and that was going to take 3 hours. It's a laborious process, I got there at 9:30 but didn't get out of there until after 4 that afternoon. It would have been longer if it was a busier day and the nurses took longer to get to me to change up the bags, or if I had had a reaction, which thankfully I didn't. The time did go by quick as I had Wendy there, she went on the diet coke runs, then a lunch run, and it was nice to catch up and hang out. Thanks Wendy!

I went home with a red folder with all the "what to expects", thankfully, I have had very little side effects to date. They said I would have achy joints, well I have RA, so check!, they said I would be feeling fatigued and/or exhausted...where do I start?...check!. They said I would have mouth sores, yuk..got those, and another wierd side effect is tingly feeling at the bottom of your feet...totally wierd..check!   I'm not complaining....because I still have my hair.  

All in all, besides being very tired and sleeping a great deal, first round of chemo I definitely won.

Another great in the books, is that we had a fantastic weekend with our friends Jacqui and her two daughters Cassie and Dakota, and Jacqui's sister Jodi. They came up from Washington and Oregon for a quick visit and we all had a blast. Good food, lots of laughs, a whole lot of talking...and then sadly hugs goodbye, but next time isn't far away. love you guys xox

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me and the kids, having any kind of support right now is appreciated, more than you know.

xo

s

Believe....in new treatments

I met with my new Oncologist yesterday. He was a nice man. I think you have to be a genuinely nice person when you are in the business of telling people that their lives may be in peril.

He began with telling me that he has been hearing "my story" for quite some time. At the Dr's conferences when they discuss the best options for the patients, this is where he's heard my story. Because the cancer has spread now, in my abdomen, I've got quite the team behind me. I still have the Surgeon, I still have my Radiologist Oncologist, and now I have him. He was very kind to let me know that they were doing their very best for me. That felt...comforting, but did little to ease the discomfort of the conversation I knew was coming.

He explained why the surgery would not benefit me right now.   I could have potentially undergone an extensive operation, weeks of pain with very little gain. The cancer would probably still be lurking. With chemo, the intention is to kill the crazy rogue cells, and tame the cancer that is there now.  

He explained my chemotherapy protocol, I will have it once every 3 weeks. Always one with the latest and greatest, all eyes will be on me as I become the first patient in BC to get the newest and best chemotherapy drugs out there.

He used words like "complicated cancer", and "prolong", and gentle words such as in "while you are in our care". I felt like parts of the conversation I wasn't there, then a loudness would come into my ears and bring me back to him talking. I know I heard everything, but, at times it was sureal.

Once I start chemo, I will have blood tests and scans and this test and that test...not to mention being knocked off my feet with it. The type of chemo isn't supposed to make you nauseous but, everyone is different, so hopefully I don't have too many reactions.

Yes.   I will lose my hair. Yes. I am terrified. Yes. That scares me more then the chemo does. No. I am not afraid to admit that.

I do not have the self esteem to rock a bald head.   I wish I did, but I don't. Sure, there are wigs and scarves, and yes, I will find something that works. I am simply terrified of feeling vulnerable, or that's how I think I will feel. Although, when I see a woman with a scarf or a hat on their head, vulnerable is the last word that comes to my mind. I think of strength, beauty, a warrior. I hope to get there for myself.  

All in all, I am glad we are starting the chemo soon, the waiting is really the hardest part. I start the chemo the week after next. Meanwhile, since my hair is the longest it's ever been...I will be taking secret selfies, I'm sure ;)

Today was my friend Lisa's Celebration of Life. It was a beautiful ceremony, although and of course incredibly sad. Those in attendance represented all of the communities that Lisa was involved in, mostly sports as all three of her children were very talented athletically. Her youngest sons whole baseball team was in attendance. It was a true testament to Lisa, and to her family as well‎.

**Hey Lis...there was standing room only when we said goodbye to you today, I know you would have been bashful about it but you deserved it, you touched a lot of hearts. I hate to tell you this...but someone was at your funeral, and they were wearing white shoes (!)...I know right!!?. Anyways my dear sweet friend, it's not goodbye, it's see you soon, but just not yet. I love you**

‎I have a favourite quote from Maya Angelou;

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel‎"

I would like to thank everyone who has sent me a note, text or email asking how I am or seeing if there is anything you can help with, thank you. Also, thank you to Dawn LB, Laura C, Lisa M, Janet B, Tegan C and Wendy S, I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe that I will do ok with the chemo. 

Bye for now!

xo

s

Believe.....and bad news

Update Below

(written early May 13)

I'm behind in my updates, my apologies to those of you who keep checking for something new, and I have delivered, well, up until now, nothing.

The last week and a half has been difficult.   I met with the surgeon, found I had lost a dear friend, and had a small surgery. I also found out that when it came time to try and write about my week(s), I had a serious case of writers block. 

For some reason, putting into words all that I learned from the surgeon, my feelings about the week, usually an undaunted task, seemed...overwhelmingly difficult.

‎I will start with something easy. The small surgery I had was to remove the Stent that was put near my bladder because the tumour was squishing my "pee tube". Since the tumour is gone (yay!), the Stent does not have to be there. It was a fairly easy day, although coming back from the anesthia is always kind of yucky, you would think I would be a pro by now.

‎My mom and I met with the surgeon at the cancer centre. He was very nice, knows his stuff and was very straight forward with what needed to be done. While my other Dr tried to reassure us that the mass in my omentum could just be necrotic tissue, this Dr spoke to it as if it was specifically cancer. When I tried to get him to speak to it being only the necrotic tissue, he said that, that would be great but we obviously need to err on the side of caution and treat it as if it isn't.   He also took a small biopsy in order to discount or confirm there being any small microscopic cancer cells roaming around. He told us this was not likely the case, but, if it came back positive, the surgery would not be a go. Having the biopsy be positive would mean the small cells are more of a threat spreading around, then what needs to be removed. This was worst case scenario, and he proceeded to tell us why.  As you can imagine, the conversation got quite difficult after that.

We discussed the effects of the old cancer spreading to the omentum, vs it being a new occurrence of cancer in the omentum. Basically any type of cancer spreading is bad news. Worse, cancer of the omentum can be fatal.

Despite everything I have gone thru, this appointment by far, although progressive, was one of the most un-settling for me. So much so, that I went and got a small tattoo on my wrist, it says "believe". I don't want for one minute to not believe I won't be at each of my children's weddings, or for when they have children. I believe I am going to keep living.

And then, I found out Lisa had passed away. Leaving behind two daughters and a son. My kids and I all took this news very hard. Lisa was always very good to us, we all adored her. I wrote about her, as a way to cope. She was particularly supportive of me since my diagnosis, both of us having a disease where neither of us had any control, but our lives were under its control. ‎ I will miss her dearly.

There is some good news, believe it or not! Hayley has moved home, which means that I have all 3 kids here with me. I can't tell you how happy that makes me!

The date of my surgery is May 28th. I'm expected to be in the hospital‎ for about 4 or 5 days after, and recoup time will be about 6-8 weeks.

***UPDATED***
(late evening May 13th)

I got a call from the surgeon this evening. He called to let me know that the biopsy that he had done, came out positive.‎ This was not the news we wanted.

This means that the surgery is off for now, this means that the mass we were hoping was simply necrotic tissue is more then likely cancer. This means that I start aggressive chemotherapy right away. This means that the cancer is/has spread in my pelvis, and there are no guarentees.

Now, more then ever I am very happy that all three of my children are with me at home.  ‎Chemotherapy will be difficult, and it will take its toll on all of us. 

I know people will want to help and support my wonderful little family. Whatever that looks like for you, we will appreciate.  

xo

s

‎

All our stars are silent...

On Thursday, May 1, I lost a very dear friend. Her name was Lisa. She contracted a heart virus at a young age, ending her career as a nurse, and starting a career nursing a bad heart. The bitter irony is that Lisa had one of the best hearts I've ever known.

We met at the baseball park‎, her husband coached my son. Over the years, our kids played ball together, or her husband coached, either way, we were always happy to be on the same team. Cheering on each others children, sharing our lives while spending our lives at the ballpark, was always a pleasure and a boatload of laughs when I was with Lisa.

As our kids grew out of little league, and onto other parks, schools and friends, we didn't see each other as often.  When we did see each other, it was as if time hadn't slipped away at all, Lisa always had the same greeting for me "how are you, how are your beautiful children?", along with a warm hug.

Lisa was a source of strength for many, obviously including myself. When I lost my father to cancer, she was supportive, even when I tried to shut the door on everything and everyone, Lisa found a way in. She wanted to make sure I knew, I was loved, I was cared for, and when the hell were we going to go out for a Gingerbread Latte?

‎A few years ago, when my marriage broke down, and I was also sick with RA. Lisa sent me an email with topless, oiled up firefighters that had some cheesy saying on it. It was laugh out loud funny because it was just so Lisa. When I got diagnosed with cancer, Lisa started sending me funny quotes, inspirational quotes, more firemen and pretty much anything you can think of, daily. She wanted me to keep my head in the game, and not give up.   She encouraged me to keep writing in my blog, and she would always find a catchphrase that she liked and use it when she wrote to me.

 Always a fashion "do" and never a "dont" was Lisa. When I shared with everyone that my cancer team was "going for the gold"...she shows up at my house with a gold handbag, and wallet...because yes, we are going for the gold and we were going to proudly show it, with fashion, of course.

With Lisa, you always knew her family came first. She was involved in all of her three children's sports, their schooling and whatever their interests you could tell Lisa supported them 100%. She's passed along her kindhearted ways to all three, and that's always been clear, from young ones to now, her children, are a true reflection of her, kind, intelligent, respectful, all with big hearts.

Never was that more clear to me, than when I had that painful conversation with her oldest daughter just a few days ago. Kristina called to tell me the awful news, she bravely told me what happened, while we both cried. Towards the end of the conversation, when I asked if there was anything I could do, ever her Mother, Kristina did not think of herself, she thought of me. She told me how much her mom loved me and cared for me, and the thing that I should do is to beat this cancer, that's what Lisa would want me to do.

I will miss Lisa dearly, memories of the ballpark, her laugh and her wonderful friendship will always have a place in my heart.