Chemo - Round 1

Chemo - 0

Sarah - 1

Hair - 1

It's almost two weeks to the day, since I had my first chemo treatment. I have to say I'm feeling ok....

I should start from the beginning.

I received a lot of support since my last post, so thank you every one...it really means a lot.   

Before I started chemo, I was overwhelmed with very dire information...kind of like "oh shit I'm done" kinda info and even tho I was warned not to to do this...I did, I went there...I payed a visit to Dr. Google. It's really one of the worst things you can do, you can't verify the information is that up to date or correct, and really, everyone's cancer case is significantly different. When you have information that isn't great, it's only human to want to find something...anything, to turn it around to make it better. Dr. Google does not do that, if anything, it just makes things much much worse.

 My mom and I now have a deal, we don't visit Dr. Google, it's not worth the heartache. What I did do tho was meet with my Dr. again. I saw him the day before my 1st chemo. I asked him some pretty hard questions. I am glad I did. I felt a million times better, my attitude is back where it should be, and if I haven't said it enough...those Dr's at the cancer clinic are all freaking fantastic.

Onto Chemo....

My friend Wendy picked me up for Chemo, it started at 9:30. I wasn't nervous because I had done it before, I was more...‎in a really good mood. I was happy to get it started, the days spent waiting weren't fun, let's just get this chemo show on the damn road (she said on the first week ha ha).

The chemo room at the cancer clinic is a very large U shaped room.‎ There are about 20 comfy chairs around the perimeter of the room, all spaced a decent amount apart for privacy and room for a guest. Chemotherapy isn't like what it used to be or like the movies show it, no one is lying in agony puking all over the place. In fact, there are many different walks of life, hooked up to their respective IV poles and their magic potions, people either read, sleep or visit with a guest.

Once they hooked me up, they filled me full of hydration fluids‎, then some Benadryl in case I had a reaction to one of the concoctions, and an anti-nauseant. I was going to receive three different types of chemotherapy drugs, not all three could be given at the same time, so bag number 1 was first, and that was going to take 3 hours. It's a laborious process, I got there at 9:30 but didn't get out of there until after 4 that afternoon. It would have been longer if it was a busier day and the nurses took longer to get to me to change up the bags, or if I had had a reaction, which thankfully I didn't. The time did go by quick as I had Wendy there, she went on the diet coke runs, then a lunch run, and it was nice to catch up and hang out. Thanks Wendy!

I went home with a red folder with all the "what to expects", thankfully, I have had very little side effects to date. They said I would have achy joints, well I have RA, so check!, they said I would be feeling fatigued and/or exhausted...where do I start?...check!. They said I would have mouth sores, yuk..got those, and another wierd side effect is tingly feeling at the bottom of your feet...totally wierd..check!   I'm not complaining....because I still have my hair.  

All in all, besides being very tired and sleeping a great deal, first round of chemo I definitely won.

Another great in the books, is that we had a fantastic weekend with our friends Jacqui and her two daughters Cassie and Dakota, and Jacqui's sister Jodi. They came up from Washington and Oregon for a quick visit and we all had a blast. Good food, lots of laughs, a whole lot of talking...and then sadly hugs goodbye, but next time isn't far away. love you guys xox

Thanks again to everyone who has reached out to me and the kids, having any kind of support right now is appreciated, more than you know.

xo

s

Believe....in new treatments

I met with my new Oncologist yesterday. He was a nice man. I think you have to be a genuinely nice person when you are in the business of telling people that their lives may be in peril.

He began with telling me that he has been hearing "my story" for quite some time. At the Dr's conferences when they discuss the best options for the patients, this is where he's heard my story. Because the cancer has spread now, in my abdomen, I've got quite the team behind me. I still have the Surgeon, I still have my Radiologist Oncologist, and now I have him. He was very kind to let me know that they were doing their very best for me. That felt...comforting, but did little to ease the discomfort of the conversation I knew was coming.

He explained why the surgery would not benefit me right now.   I could have potentially undergone an extensive operation, weeks of pain with very little gain. The cancer would probably still be lurking. With chemo, the intention is to kill the crazy rogue cells, and tame the cancer that is there now.  

He explained my chemotherapy protocol, I will have it once every 3 weeks. Always one with the latest and greatest, all eyes will be on me as I become the first patient in BC to get the newest and best chemotherapy drugs out there.

He used words like "complicated cancer", and "prolong", and gentle words such as in "while you are in our care". I felt like parts of the conversation I wasn't there, then a loudness would come into my ears and bring me back to him talking. I know I heard everything, but, at times it was sureal.

Once I start chemo, I will have blood tests and scans and this test and that test...not to mention being knocked off my feet with it. The type of chemo isn't supposed to make you nauseous but, everyone is different, so hopefully I don't have too many reactions.

Yes.   I will lose my hair. Yes. I am terrified. Yes. That scares me more then the chemo does. No. I am not afraid to admit that.

I do not have the self esteem to rock a bald head.   I wish I did, but I don't. Sure, there are wigs and scarves, and yes, I will find something that works. I am simply terrified of feeling vulnerable, or that's how I think I will feel. Although, when I see a woman with a scarf or a hat on their head, vulnerable is the last word that comes to my mind. I think of strength, beauty, a warrior. I hope to get there for myself.  

All in all, I am glad we are starting the chemo soon, the waiting is really the hardest part. I start the chemo the week after next. Meanwhile, since my hair is the longest it's ever been...I will be taking secret selfies, I'm sure ;)

Today was my friend Lisa's Celebration of Life. It was a beautiful ceremony, although and of course incredibly sad. Those in attendance represented all of the communities that Lisa was involved in, mostly sports as all three of her children were very talented athletically. Her youngest sons whole baseball team was in attendance. It was a true testament to Lisa, and to her family as well‎.

**Hey Lis...there was standing room only when we said goodbye to you today, I know you would have been bashful about it but you deserved it, you touched a lot of hearts. I hate to tell you this...but someone was at your funeral, and they were wearing white shoes (!)...I know right!!?. Anyways my dear sweet friend, it's not goodbye, it's see you soon, but just not yet. I love you**

‎I have a favourite quote from Maya Angelou;

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel‎"

I would like to thank everyone who has sent me a note, text or email asking how I am or seeing if there is anything you can help with, thank you. Also, thank you to Dawn LB, Laura C, Lisa M, Janet B, Tegan C and Wendy S, I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I believe that I will do ok with the chemo. 

Bye for now!

xo

s

Believe.....and bad news

Update Below

(written early May 13)

I'm behind in my updates, my apologies to those of you who keep checking for something new, and I have delivered, well, up until now, nothing.

The last week and a half has been difficult.   I met with the surgeon, found I had lost a dear friend, and had a small surgery. I also found out that when it came time to try and write about my week(s), I had a serious case of writers block. 

For some reason, putting into words all that I learned from the surgeon, my feelings about the week, usually an undaunted task, seemed...overwhelmingly difficult.

‎I will start with something easy. The small surgery I had was to remove the Stent that was put near my bladder because the tumour was squishing my "pee tube". Since the tumour is gone (yay!), the Stent does not have to be there. It was a fairly easy day, although coming back from the anesthia is always kind of yucky, you would think I would be a pro by now.

‎My mom and I met with the surgeon at the cancer centre. He was very nice, knows his stuff and was very straight forward with what needed to be done. While my other Dr tried to reassure us that the mass in my omentum could just be necrotic tissue, this Dr spoke to it as if it was specifically cancer. When I tried to get him to speak to it being only the necrotic tissue, he said that, that would be great but we obviously need to err on the side of caution and treat it as if it isn't.   He also took a small biopsy in order to discount or confirm there being any small microscopic cancer cells roaming around. He told us this was not likely the case, but, if it came back positive, the surgery would not be a go. Having the biopsy be positive would mean the small cells are more of a threat spreading around, then what needs to be removed. This was worst case scenario, and he proceeded to tell us why.  As you can imagine, the conversation got quite difficult after that.

We discussed the effects of the old cancer spreading to the omentum, vs it being a new occurrence of cancer in the omentum. Basically any type of cancer spreading is bad news. Worse, cancer of the omentum can be fatal.

Despite everything I have gone thru, this appointment by far, although progressive, was one of the most un-settling for me. So much so, that I went and got a small tattoo on my wrist, it says "believe". I don't want for one minute to not believe I won't be at each of my children's weddings, or for when they have children. I believe I am going to keep living.

And then, I found out Lisa had passed away. Leaving behind two daughters and a son. My kids and I all took this news very hard. Lisa was always very good to us, we all adored her. I wrote about her, as a way to cope. She was particularly supportive of me since my diagnosis, both of us having a disease where neither of us had any control, but our lives were under its control. ‎ I will miss her dearly.

There is some good news, believe it or not! Hayley has moved home, which means that I have all 3 kids here with me. I can't tell you how happy that makes me!

The date of my surgery is May 28th. I'm expected to be in the hospital‎ for about 4 or 5 days after, and recoup time will be about 6-8 weeks.

***UPDATED***
(late evening May 13th)

I got a call from the surgeon this evening. He called to let me know that the biopsy that he had done, came out positive.‎ This was not the news we wanted.

This means that the surgery is off for now, this means that the mass we were hoping was simply necrotic tissue is more then likely cancer. This means that I start aggressive chemotherapy right away. This means that the cancer is/has spread in my pelvis, and there are no guarentees.

Now, more then ever I am very happy that all three of my children are with me at home.  ‎Chemotherapy will be difficult, and it will take its toll on all of us. 

I know people will want to help and support my wonderful little family. Whatever that looks like for you, we will appreciate.  

xo

s

‎

All our stars are silent...

On Thursday, May 1, I lost a very dear friend. Her name was Lisa. She contracted a heart virus at a young age, ending her career as a nurse, and starting a career nursing a bad heart. The bitter irony is that Lisa had one of the best hearts I've ever known.

We met at the baseball park‎, her husband coached my son. Over the years, our kids played ball together, or her husband coached, either way, we were always happy to be on the same team. Cheering on each others children, sharing our lives while spending our lives at the ballpark, was always a pleasure and a boatload of laughs when I was with Lisa.

As our kids grew out of little league, and onto other parks, schools and friends, we didn't see each other as often.  When we did see each other, it was as if time hadn't slipped away at all, Lisa always had the same greeting for me "how are you, how are your beautiful children?", along with a warm hug.

Lisa was a source of strength for many, obviously including myself. When I lost my father to cancer, she was supportive, even when I tried to shut the door on everything and everyone, Lisa found a way in. She wanted to make sure I knew, I was loved, I was cared for, and when the hell were we going to go out for a Gingerbread Latte?

‎A few years ago, when my marriage broke down, and I was also sick with RA. Lisa sent me an email with topless, oiled up firefighters that had some cheesy saying on it. It was laugh out loud funny because it was just so Lisa. When I got diagnosed with cancer, Lisa started sending me funny quotes, inspirational quotes, more firemen and pretty much anything you can think of, daily. She wanted me to keep my head in the game, and not give up.   She encouraged me to keep writing in my blog, and she would always find a catchphrase that she liked and use it when she wrote to me.

 Always a fashion "do" and never a "dont" was Lisa. When I shared with everyone that my cancer team was "going for the gold"...she shows up at my house with a gold handbag, and wallet...because yes, we are going for the gold and we were going to proudly show it, with fashion, of course.

With Lisa, you always knew her family came first. She was involved in all of her three children's sports, their schooling and whatever their interests you could tell Lisa supported them 100%. She's passed along her kindhearted ways to all three, and that's always been clear, from young ones to now, her children, are a true reflection of her, kind, intelligent, respectful, all with big hearts.

Never was that more clear to me, than when I had that painful conversation with her oldest daughter just a few days ago. Kristina called to tell me the awful news, she bravely told me what happened, while we both cried. Towards the end of the conversation, when I asked if there was anything I could do, ever her Mother, Kristina did not think of herself, she thought of me. She told me how much her mom loved me and cared for me, and the thing that I should do is to beat this cancer, that's what Lisa would want me to do.

I will miss Lisa dearly, memories of the ballpark, her laugh and her wonderful friendship will always have a place in my heart.

Changes, things stay the same & new beginnings...

I've finally changed back to my Maiden name. Although, on some platforms I've been going by Sarah Russell for awhile, this time it's official. It says so right on my drivers license, right beside my fake weight, exaggerated height and blurry mugshot. I cannot wait to re-new my passport...

The more I shed from my previous life, the better I feel. It gives me strength, I am much happier and I am no longer afraid of what used to worry me. The sad part about all this, is that betrayal, disrespect and lies cut deep, and the wounds are hard to heal. Not so much for myself, but for my kids. Sometimes I wish my arms were longer, to wrap around them tighter so that I could stop the hurt that still comes their way. It shouldn't. It should have stopped a long time ago.

I need my arms, for my own self love too. I'm still trying to get better. I want to be living for my kids weddings, future accomplishments. That is what we should all be looking forward to, regardless of our stations.

I went to see my Dr yesterday, the Oncologist. This was the "big" appointment. I was nervous, resentful, agitated and very tired going into this appointment. Despite the fact that my mood would have rocked any mood ring off my fingers, it was extremely informative, and I can't tell you enough how great my Dr is!

‎As I explained before, there is another mass in my abdomen, specifically in my Omentum . They aren't able to identify it 100%...they have narrowed it down to two lucky winners, and those are: 

a) the mass could be necrotic tissue that is infected and inflamed, apparently this would show up on the scans like a cancer would. It's still trouble regardless, because of infection, and it's location.

Even if it's winner a, they still plan on treating this, as cancer.

 b) it's cancer of the omentum, cancer of the omentum on its own is ok (who says that??), but if it's cancer that has metastasized, that would be the absolute worst news we could get.

Be it lucky winner a or b, the conference of the Dr's is that they feel surgery would be the best option, to get it out, and get it out quick. My mom and I had a small trip planned, we asked if we could schedule the surgery around it, to accommodate our trip. We were told with a very straight face, and a stern tone..."that we should not wait".  The surgery will be difficult, mid-line gut and they may take out affected parts from the old cancer, but I am getting a head of myself.

I meet with the Surgeon this Friday. I will have more info after that.

And onto new beginnings....Congratulations to my wonderful cousin Kelly!! She just got engaged recently, and I am so very very happy for her!!

It's nice to have something to look forward to, and also have a goal to plan.....how is this?

I don't want to bring cancer as my date to her wedding ;)

xo

s

Silence has so many layers.....

Thank you all so much for your notes, texts and messages of concern. I know I have been off the grid a bit with my blog, and FB, and maybe life in general, but I appreciate everyone's concern, and warm thoughts.

Many things have happened in the last few weeks, good and bad. So...let me explain.

As I left off I was waiting for a PET scan and an MRI to check to see if the cancer‎ was gone from the areas that needed treatment. Specifically, the cervix, uterus and lymph nodes. The lymph nodes were of major concern, since they can carry the cancer anywhere, and the chance of spreading made me a high candidate.

The PET scan was un-eventful.   My mom and I travelled to Vancouver for it. Mom is now an old hand at being my chauffeur and taking care of where I need to be in Vancouver. It's funny, from someone who used to be so capable at doing pretty much everything, I still don't feel strong enough to get myself thru Vancouver traffic and to the hospital on my own. Again, thank goodness for my mom.

Once the scan was over, we had a nice dinner, and went back to the hotel room and crashed. Ok, I crashed. The next morning, we were up fairly early, early by my standards, late by my mom's, and off to the ferry. I had to get back to the island to have an MRI at the hospital that late afternoon. Also, I wanted to be home for when my sweet Sophie got home from school.

‎Next, I had the MRI. It was at a different hospital, so I knew I wouldn't run into my old friend from my last MRI. I was met with a wonderful woman tech who had a sing songy voice and was eager to make my MRI as pleasant as possible.

We got started right away, once again I was given a choice of music because the machine is so loud, I chose classical, it just really seemed like the safest bet....although, it is my personal goal to one day ask for The Sex Pistols.

The lovely tech got me settled on the table, ready to slide me into the machine. She put a few blankets on me, it was pretty cold in the room, so I didn't stop her, where normally I would. She also laid about 30lbs of film over my abdomen, and I was ready to begin. She closed the door, went into her control room, checked the mic to see if I could hear her, started up the machine, and started up the music....the Disney music. Snow White to be exact.

I thought maybe it was a bit of a joke, but nooo..uh huh...it was all the Disney princesses singing, in a more grown up classical way. Oh.EMM.GEE!

If that wasn't the worst, I had forgotten, that since all my treatments had thrown me into early menopause, if I get hot flashes, I get a few at night, around this time at night. So here I lay, listening to Disney princesses singing, I am also sweating so badly, I can feel drops trickling off my forhead!

I was kind of longing for Rob and his country tunes at that moment!

I'm kidding.

The test ran for about 45 minutes, but it seemed liked 45 hours.‎ I was so happy to get out of there!

As of Thursday, only the PET results are in. The very very good news is that the cancer in my cervix, uterus and lymph nodes...is all gone :)

The bad news is that they have found another mass, or affected tissue that is more cancer. It is localized, so as of today, I have been referred to a surgeon, as they feel it can simply be removed. 

That's all I know so far, obviously there is still more information to come, more tests, more boring pokes and prodes. I've done this before, and I can do this again.

I just want to say again, thank you all so very much for coming on this journey with me. When I started this blog in October, I expected a handful of people to read it, but as of last week, my blog has had over 10,000 hits! That's a lot of readers!

Have a very happy easter with your family, friends and loved ones!

xo

Waiting...

I've proven to be not so hot at updating everyone on the status of my waiting.....yes, I am still patiently (cough..NOT!) waiting to go for the PET scan on the 14th.

I've had to become a little creative to keep my mind off things. I've started to become queen of the PVR. I can't even brag I am recording good shows, trust me, I am not.

Obviously,  I'm not very good at this, I would like to know what is going on in this body of mine. I want to know that all of the radiation I went thru was worth it, and that it worked. I also want to get on with things...you know, like...living.

At night, if I can't sleep I compare waiting to life's small irritants....

Bare with me...

- like an itch that can't be scratched..

- like waiting for someone to text you back..

- the lyrics to a song being on the tip of your tongue..

-  a bad hair day..

Times these by ten....and you get Rob Ford. 

Ha! I'm kidding......

Thank you to everyone who's called or sent me a FB note, text or email. It's great to hear from you,   and I truly appreciate your thoughts.

Until the 14th I will be chilling as best I can like Spiccoli here and will update everyone as soon as I have news. 

xo

s